Goodbye Isn't Forever

"I love you more then words can ever describe and i always will." Love, is something so strong, it's unbearable to lose. Some people can't imagine a life without the one they love, the one they hold

Goodbye isn’t forever.

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     I’ve never seen such a fragile moment until now- seeing you have broken with no animation in your eyes. It’s heartbreaking and destructive, it could allow anyone to break down and crack.

     Not me though.

     I am a survivor; you get me through the summer mornings and winter nights. I know this is the end of now, but it’s the beginning of forever. It’s not over yet; I will not say my goodbyes until the end of time.

     You have no idea how much I would give to hold you in my arms. It’s worth more than the price of the world. If you could talk, i know what you would say: “Don’t be daft my loves, the price of me to be in your arms are no where near the price of this world. I know i’m a high cost but jeez, don’t put a price on my head, will you?”

     I’m not being daft. Well, i don’t think i am. I would give a limb to be with you right now, to be able to touch you, kiss you, have your fingers link with mine but i know i’m not allowed- they won’t let me.

     It hurts. Not just mentally but physically too; the way my heart pounds in my chest for the need and longing i desire for you.

“Mother come on, you have to go out of the house; you can’t stay in the bedroom forever,” someone articulates from the other-side of the door. My feet tread against the floorboards one at a time. My fingers reach for the door-handle, but i think twice about opening it and my arm drops to my side.

“Leave me alone son, I’m resting.” I say loud enough for him to hear me. I hear a sigh from the other side of the door, a sigh from our thirty-one-year-old-son. He has a girlfriend now, but you wouldn’t know this would you? You’re there and I’m here and no one would bother to tell a man that is lying there, silently.

     Do you ever dream about me and you in your sleep? Dream about us when you rest? You’re always sleeping. Do you and I ever cross your mind anymore, the way we used to be? You and I, me and you- it has some sort of ring to it, do you agree? I never imagined loving someone as much as I do you. If soul mates existed, you are the closest person to me that fits that description. You’re my best friend.

     The doorbell rings and the sound of chatter bubbles up the staircase for my ears to take in. “How is she holding up?” A woman with a squeaky high pitched voice asks our son. You’d have thought I was an invalid the way they all speak about me. Always me they worry about and you’re the one laying there empty.

“She’ll get there, she’s a strong-minded women,” our son answers.

“You’d think she’s a teenager again the way she’s hiding in that bedroom. How long has it been? Two weeks.” Yes, my sweet husband. I’ve been waiting for you for two whole weeks; I told you I wouldn’t stop believing.

     A knock on the door echoes through the room. My head turns slowly to look at the cracks in the door frame and the dents amongst the wood. “If you don’t get your bog-eyed, fat arse out here now, I’ll just kick the door down.” I ran to save my door before any damage could come to it. Standing out on our landing, i was face to face with a brown haired- brown eyed, stubborn, miss know-it-all younger sister. You never liked her did you? I had my night gown on that hung loosely to my ankles. My cow slippers that you bought me were keeping my feet warm. God i looked a sight for two o’clock in the afternoon.

“God, you look a sight. If he could see you now, he’d be so disappointed.” I bit my lip, knowing ‘he’ meant you.

     Taking one step at a time down my stairs was getting harder each day. My fragile legs just kept wobbling. I followed my sister into the kitchen. After, i looked around and i noticed someone sat at the table- sat at the table was our granddaughter, Rainee. Remember when we first met her? When you turned to me and told me you loved me. I felt like a teenager all over again- sigh, how i miss those days.

“Grandma you’re out.” She ran into my arms and cuddled me like i was coming back from the dead. It should be you that’s getting this cuddle- not me. How i miss you.

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    It’s half an hour later and the kitchen is empty, they all finally left me to my thoughts. I can talk to you properly now. How’re you holding up? Is it lonely? Silly question of me- of course you’re lonely.

     I always remember when our fathers always said they believed: “when we grew older we’d get married and start our own family.” I was seven only seven- a bit early, wouldn’t you say so? Our mothers never said a word, just sat there and sighed, smiling. Do you remember this? I do. I thought it was a joke, a tremendous silly joke- who could predict a seven year old marriage- yes, you’re right- my father could.

     I remember the first day I met you. That day was when all my prayers were answered. You were hiding behind your fathers legs in my kitchen. Your curly black hair was barely in sight. I stood by my dad curiously waiting. The silence broke when my father spoke, “Amelia, this is Caleb. Caleb…” he glared at you, you were still invisible from my sight and no movement was made. “Caleb, this is my daughter, Amelia Cortes.”  Your father stood to one side, showing you to us all. You glared at him accusingly with the most beautiful eyes and my breath caught in my throat- you didn’t notice. I remember our fathers pushing us in front of each other; I always knew they were up to something. You stood there with your hands in your jean pockets and your blue eyes on me. A small smile played on your lips which made me blush. I stood there waiting for you to speak and realized i could have been waiting forever; therefore, i took the lead. Since that day, i love the way you shove your hands in your pockets when you get nervous. I love the way your eyes, are as bright as the stars in the sky. I love everything- but you were oblivious to it all.

     Growing up in Whitby was wonderful; I know how much you love this place. I remember when we were little and we watched the tourists pass by each year and smelt the same sweet sensational smell of fish and chips hovering in the air; the smell of the salt in the wind always drifted underneath our noses. Each year we walked down the cute cobble lanes and went swimming in the sea. Each year we saw Whitby change as we grew older. I always wondered what our futures had in store for us- i never imagined this- the amazing joy and love with you. We both know we got here harder then what people think, didn’t we my darling? Would I change any of it? No. That’s my answer without any hesitation at all.

     Do you remember when you were ten and I was eight? Your parents were looking after me. You were out with all your lad friends- remember Stephen? He stills speaks to me now, he asked about you. It’s amazing how many memories he can remember of us all. I remember sitting in your room by the window, i was looking out and watching you all play. One of your friends with the huge glasses looked at me and pointed me out to you; you looked up with them gorgeous eyes and smiled the cheekiest grin. When lunchtime came, you invited me out- i was over the moon with joy- I squealed and hugged you, what a girl you was probably thinking. You stiffened in my embrace and then relaxed into my hug. I was only little but you had such an affect on me �" i was in sweet baby love - You, was my first ever crush and my last.

     The year i turned ten and you was twelve, i always remember sitting on the old oak swing chair you loved. You looked at me and smiled, so i returned it. My heart was in that smile; was yours? I remember playing dares, like you did at this age, it was stupid dares though, dares like; “I dare you to put mud on your face,” or “I dare you to run around like you’re getting chased by a crazy, wild animal.” You loved this game, i could tell. It was my turn to dare you. You stood waiting patiently with curiosity in your eyes. The excitement was tense. Eventually, i stood in front of you and leaned into your ear and whispered; “I dare you to kiss me.” I leaned back out and looked at you. I knew you wouldn’t do it and i therefore won the game but before i knew it, you were leaning in to kiss me. I hesitated and got scared; before you could touch your lips with mine i ran away squealing “catch me if you can.” You looked hurt but eventually started laughing and went out to chase me. I knew you didn’t want to kiss me, so basically i saved you, didn’t I? But i honestly didn’t know anything… Do i?

     It was silly things like that i remember with you in my childhood.

     Remember when you were fifteen and I was thirteen. It was my first day of high school. My dad said, “Caleb, i expect you to look after my little girl. You understand me?” You gazed at me and gave me a quick wink and then you replied to my dad, “of course. I won’t let her out of my sight.” I know i groaned and i think you laughed, did you not? That day at school i realized something. You still thought of me as that little girl you met in the kitchen- not as the girl that adored you. I knew this simply because you had a girlfriend. A walking talking, plastic Barbie. You were such a player- a man w***e, i used to call you.

     I was sixteen, you were eighteen. My mother and father invited your parents and you out for lunch. I remember that we had an argument at school and i wasn’t talking to you. If I remember correctly, i didn’t speak to you for a whole week, do you know why, because I can’t remember? But of course, we both had to attend this lunch. When i was getting ready i felt nervous. Mother told me to wear that black dress she loved on me. I thought; why not? I remember you stealing glances of me across the table. Nobody noticed but me, well, if they did, they didn’t show it. I excused myself to go to the toilet. After, i found you waiting for me. You grabbed me to the side. The conversation after all these years still stays with me. It was the night you saw me- not as the little girl. You pressed my back against the wall and placed your hands on either side of me- trapping me.

“How long, are you willing not to speak to me?” I remember you asking. I just glared at you. “Amelia! Please just talk!” I stared again, i think you sighed. “You look beautiful tonight.” My heart melted if that was possible. You finally got through my barriers i tried so hard to keep up against you.

“Thank you.” I whispered before leaning in to kiss you on the cheek. My dark long hair shone on the reflected light coming through the crack of the window.

My favorite part was when we arrived to my house I remember sitting on my rooftop. It was a beautiful night and each star shone so bright. Your hand reached mine and i glanced at you- that was it? Do you remember? I do. That was definitely the night we fell in love. You leaned in towards me and sealed the deal with a breath taking kiss, i swear i saw angels. That night was young and so were I and you.

     When i was nineteen and you were twenty one, we had grown and had been a couple for years now. Do you remember when you came home from college and didn’t speak? You looked so guilty and i started to get curious to know why. A couple of hours later, i heard you on the phone, you said someone’s name all hushed- it was a girl’s name. I kicked off and started shouting at you, asking you who she was? What you were talking about? If you remember this, i know you’d be laughing about it; it was a pretty pathetic argument. There were doors slamming and beds empty. Both of us wouldn’t talk. I remember it being a very long heart-aching night. We got through it though- like we always do.

     This was another of my favorite time with you: I was twenty two and you were twenty four. We went to visit my parent’s house. You were so excited but i couldn’t understand why. As the day flew by and the chatting with my parents ended, you stole me away and took me onto the rooftop where we first kissed. You held me close and whispered, “i love you.” My heart melted just like it did all those years ago. Later on, you let go and kneeled down on one knee in front of me. I wondered what you were doing until it hit me. “Amelia, i want you to know that you mean the world to me. I love you as much as i did when we were on this rooftop when we were teenagers- probably even more. You make me so unbelievably happy and i hope you could do me the honor of becoming my wife.” I still remember the exact words today- how could i not? I didn’t need to think twice about my answer that night.

     Being twenty three and you being twenty five, i realized we were getting older. I remember you still looking handsome as ever, and waiting down the aisle ready to make me your wife. I couldn’t be any happier in that moment in time. My father walked me down and he hugged me, started laughing and said; “I knew this was going to happen.” He grinned, looking extremely proud. I kissed my father and held your hand ready to become one. I remember glancing at our mothers and seeing them crying with joy. That day was the best day of my life; I got to marry you- you, the most beautiful man ever.

     Then I turned twenty six and you were twenty eight. I was in the birthing room screaming my head off in pain and you were there- always there, keeping me strong. The gleam in your eyes told me it was the most incredible thing you’ve seen- your little boy being born into the world we grew up in. Our little man was born so tiny and looked even tinier in your arms. Do you remember? Of course you do. You whispered to me; “Thank you, i’m so proud of you,” then kissed me lightly, holding our gorgeous son in your arms- you watched as I fell into a deep content sleep- I could feel your eyes holding onto me. As years passed our once little boy grew into a dashing man and we stayed strongly in love to this day now.

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     “Mother?” Our son said from the doorway. My hands were holding my head; tears are forming in my eyes.

“Yes Son?” I asked him, turning to look at him.

“I miss him too, he is my father not just your husband.” Reality crashed down on me, i realized i couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I held our beautiful boy and cried with him- cried from the loss of you.

     I guess this is the time to let you go now and say my goodbyes to you. No matter how many times i tell the past and keep writing to you, you’re not going to come back. I knew though, that you haven’t left me. You’re still here in my heart- always.

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     I’m fifty seven and you were fifty nine two weeks ago and two weeks ago was your burial service, and today is the day i get to let you go. Today is the day this letter from me will be placed with you to peace.

     I’ve just got some last words- so bare with me yeah?

     My darling husband, thank you for walking into my life them many years ago, because you’re the only person i believed i could trust. I fell head over heals in love with you and having to let you go right now is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. I love you more then words can ever describe and i always will, forever �" is forever and i don’t want you to think otherwise. Thank you again darling for making my life magical and also giving me the most beautiful son. Thank you for everything my sweetest.

     Remember: when i see a photograph of you- I’ll still look at you and love how your eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky.

     Please rest now, and if you ever get lonely, my letters with you and my heart; Always.

     Love you to the end of the universe and back.

     Your dearest wife,

     Amelia.

Author's Note

It might be a little ruff with the grammar, but i'm trying to improve. Please let me know what you think :)