15. Everything and Nothing At All

Life is getting more and more real, the kids might not stand a chance.

The ride back to Theo’s house was the quietest ride home I’d ever been a part of. I nearly wrestled with walking the several dozen miles to my house just to give the man some space. Just being around him felt like an intrusion of privacy. Eventually we reached his parking lot again, and it felt like the spotlight to speak had settled in my direction. I couldn’t just get out and walk to my car without saying anything, but then again what could I say? Without thinking, without any further consideration for my choice of words, I let flow whatever my soul should muster at that moment,

“Dawg…”

Not as eloquent and detailed as I’d hoped, but the correct sentiment was communicated nonetheless. He looked up at me, the worry that filled his eyes moments ago now replaced with a bitterly familiar emptiness.

“What are you gonna do?” I asked. He ran a hand through his dreads and sighed.

“I don’t know…” he said. I suddenly felt like an insensitive idiot for asking; of course that would be his answer, what else could he have possibly said at that moment?

My mind suddenly flashed through all the ideas we’d had about Theo’s future; all the football scholarships, the wild upcoming college years, the eventual guys’ road trip across the country we’d go on, one day seeing him in the NFL or something - All these thoughts swirled around in my head until they one by one disappeared. My heart sank as I realized he was probably experiencing the same thing. Not even our plans for prom in a week were safe, considering V was his potential date, alongside the realization of his impending fatherhood possibly being a bit of a downer when trying to dance and have a good time.

“Yo, Richie,” he said, finally breaking the silence. “Thanks for coming, man.”

“Isn’t he handsome?”

An iPad lay on the lunch table, Rico Vernandez, vice president (or something) of our school’s LGBT support group, happily swiping through photos. Photos of you, each one becoming less and less recognizable to my eyes. The question alone made my nerves spike, which Rico seemed to notice.

“I can tell you’re still not used to it, huh?” he said patiently.

“Understatement,” I sighed. “I don’t think I ever will be.”

“Maybe not,” he answered with disconcerting honesty. “But you’re taking the steps toward understanding, at least.”

“Hey, I’m trying my best here.”

“Well, after everything you two’ve been through, are you just gonna keep running and hiding from this?”

“It’s easy to say stuff like that when you’re watching from the side, but it’s different when you’re actually in it.”

“You know, this isn’t happening to you. It’s happening to him, I mean, do you have any idea what he’s going through? Imagine going through life feeling trapped in the wrong body, labeled against your will. Now imagine that standing up for yourself and the way you feel in your head would cause your whole life to turn upside down, and everyone to look at you as being different in ways they weren’t prepared for.”

I thought about you and how scared you must have been, how hard it probably was to tell your friends and family, and how crazy your life was probably becoming. I thought about all the times you helped me through my tough situations and all the kindness you showed me, and that familiar empty feeling returned upon realizing that now when it was finally time to return the favor, when you needed love and support the most I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to you.

“It’s all different now,” Rico went on, pulling me back into the moment. “Carrie, she’s leaving. Jason is here to stay, and whatever you do next, make sure you understand that.”

Eighth period was approaching, meaning for a select group of seniors like me, the school day was over. I needed a place for my solitude, since the sight of my room was starting to drive me crazy and the fact I had my car back took away any excuse to go on those long, aimless walks. So I went to a familiar place of hiding: the bleachers of the school's football field. There was no gym class at the time, so that whole stretch of land was free and open, devoid of any human life. Or at least it should have been. As I approached those big steel beams, however, I realized someone had already hidden out there. Of course, it was none other than the same person who first brought me underneath the bleachers to show me their hidden purpose. Of all the people I could've run into that day, it had to be CJ Wellings. And on top of that, she was crying her eyes out.

She didn't look up at me, in fact she was so preoccupied she didn't seem to notice me at all. She was sitting there crying, sobbing and shaking not even noticing me standing there.

I contemplated whether I should just turn and walk away while unseen or try to console her. Option A was looking pretty favorable, but as I slowly began to back up and turn, that second is when she looked up and saw me.

“Hey…” I said, awkwardly avoiding eye contact.

She calmed her breathing down and responded as casually as she could at the moment,

“Hey.”

“What are you doing here?” I mustered.

“I have nowhere to go,” she moaned, fighting back more sobs. “I can’t go home. I never want to go back there to them.”

I always knew CJ had some stressful situations to deal with at home, but she always kept to herself about it and it was mostly a mystery to all her friends. Nonetheless, I had never seen her cry before, let alone appear so broken.

Faint traces of mascara streamed down her reddened face. Her gaze fixated on the grass beneath us, and for a moment I was taken back to the first time we’d ever sat under that bleacher, a year and some change ago, back when I had been head over heels for her and we snuck off in the middle of the homecoming game she convinced me to come to. Granted every memory of time spent with her had been poisoned in my mind by later events, as I watched her cry her eyes out with no one to turn to, that night at the game was once again innocent and beautiful. As I stood there with her, at the same location it took place, I couldn’t just leave her like that.

“Hey, CJ,” I said before I knew what I would follow it with. “There is somewhere you could go.”

She looked up at me, not knowing what to say.

“Well, we could go there,” I clarified. “I mean, if you want.”

 

I hadn’t been anywhere near this cafe since the day before you and I had went to the planetarium. I didn’t know what I was doing there with CJ, of all people, but it was the only place I could think of going. CJ had strung herself together by the time we got there and took a seat at a table for two. Once she was calmer, it didn’t take long for her to start talking, for once opening up as if she had nothing more to lose.

“She slammed the bottle at his face,” she recounted, her eyes staring off as if she was seeing it all again in her mind. “He was so drunk he could barely walk straight. He wouldn’t stop screaming and when he grabbed her arm to try to stop her from leaving, she just grabbed the nearest empty bottle and just did it. Immediately, no hesitation, like it was something she knew she was gonna do, and everything else was just leading up to it.”

“Dang,” I sighed. “What happened after that?”

“Well, while he was falling over and blood was flying everywhere, she left. Haven’t heard from her since.”

“Is he good?”

“He apparently won’t need stitches. But then again it’s not like he has a medical degree.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah.”

Her eyes returned to the present moment as she grabbed a napkin and wiped more of the messed up makeup from her face.

“It just sucks,” she lamented. “It’s one thing living with people like that, but knowing their combined DNA is what made me… Is that all life has for me? Am I just gonna be like them?”

I held her wrist, moving the messy napkin away from her face and looking her in the eye.

“There’s more to you than you realize,” I told her. “And only you get to decide what you’re allowed to be, not anyone else.”

She was taken off guard for a moment, but for the first time since we’d met that day, she smiled. It lasted for a moment, then her attention suddenly shifted from me to something behind me.

“What are you looking at?” I asked.

“They keep staring at us.” she replied.

“Who?”

“The people that work here. They’ve been looking at us since we showed up.”

I turned back, to see a bunch of young adults in aprons behind a counter quickly look away and poorly pretend not to be staring at us. I focused my ears to listen in on whatever they were saying, and I could just barely make out,

“That’s definitely not the girl with the glasses.”

“I told you they broke up.”

“That’s so sad.”

“Nah, they’ll be back here together, just watch.”

“Are you serious!?” I thought aloud once I realized what was going on.

“What is it?” CJ asked.

I sighed, cringing and rubbing my temples. “Nothing.”

I thought about you, of course, but I couldn’t get your friend’s words out of my head. They just kept echoing, over and over again like a heartbeat, or better yet a throbbing pain. She’s leaving. She’s leaving. She’s. Leaving.

The feeling of emptiness I had spent the past few weeks trying to keep buried exploded out, no longer able to be subdued. Suddenly, regardless of CJ or anyone else in the cafe, I was alone. As alone as I’d ever be, ready to collapse. I buried my head in my hands and wanted to collapse right there. I felt CJ’s hand on my arm.

“Richie,” she tried. “What’s wrong?”

I raised my head up and looked her in the eyes with no answer. I thought of something you said before at some point: “The past is the past, the right now all we can count on.”

I’m fully aware it was a stupid idea. It was quite possibly the dumbest thing I could’ve done at the time, it was a mistake I should’ve never even gotten close to. It was a horrible, idiotic, misguided, self-destructive, completely irrational decision. But at that moment, as I stared into CJ Wellings’ eyes, trying my hardest to leave every last bit of the past behind, I wasn’t concerned with being rational. At that moment, that stupid decision seemed like a brilliant relief. So I made it.

Author's Note

Next chapter: Prom.