A Letter to a friend who lives far away

I must admit I was scared and nervous. I felt clueless at times because I didn't know what would follow.

My eyes are teary as I write this piece.
Perhaps, maybe, that would help you in understanding how this feels like.

When I saw you there, waiting for me outside your hostel, my heart skipped a beat.

If you remember, I didn't say much that day and I regret that. I was too busy capturing your eyes, the shapes and curves on your face, that swollen nose and perfect lips, in my eyes.

I forget things very quickly. I wonder how every detail stayed.

I don't know if you noticed, but whenever I wasn't looking in your eyes, I stared at your hands.

Those small fists which would disappear in mine. That swollen wrist.

I admit I was so terrified on the thought of you leaving but I thought things won't change.

When we were walking back towards your hostel and you said you have to leave, I remember I said okay. I wish I hadn't.

I thought you would understand it wasn't okay.

I still believe you did.

I still wonder what stopped you that day.

From doing and saying everything.

You kept quiet, quiet like never before.

It did comfort me a little, when you said, what is the meaning of a relationship if it cannot sustain distance. I did not sleep that night.

I looked back, twice. You weren't looking back at me. But I know you did, not only because you said so. But because, you know, the whole story was so filmy, how could a little interval be normal.

It did hurt. I waited for your letter for so long. I still do.

I believe you did write that letter for me. But I won't lie, it was killing when you said you couldn't send it to me because you didn't find time.

I wait because I think it would have all the answers.

I am not afraid of the silence between us. And yes, I believe in friends who don't speak to each other for months, but still remain the same. But I feel scared at times.

I feel like I did something wrong and you are upset about it.

I know you are busy. And the f*****g time lag. But don't they just make time out just to stay connected? I remember you say, when we talked about a mutual friend on the phone, "He cannot be so busy that he can't just text once in a while".

When we talked over phone a few months back, you said, "you may call me sometimes".

I was terrified.

And when you didn't call even after you said, "I'll call you", all these days I have been explaining myself all kinds of possibilities.

I know I am an overthinker, but still.

Why have you stopped singing your heart out to me? I cannot stop questioning myself about it.