Dante's Cove Goes to Jerry Springer!

If there's anything that can convince me that I need a hobby, this is it.

 

(The television stops at a channel where “The Jerry Springer Show” flashes across the screen. The audience stands up when Jerry Springer comes in from the backstage and shakes hands with various people from the audience)

 

Audience: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!!!

 

Jerry Springer: Hello, thank you for joining us here today! And today’s topic is, “I’m tired of you controlling me with magic, let me be with the one I love”! And our first guest here today is Kevin Archer, Kevin?

 

(Camera switches to Kevin, sitting in a chair in nothing but a pair of jeans and a yellow hoodie with no shirt underneath)

 

Springer: Hello there, Kevin, how are you doing today?

 

Kevin: (adjusts his yellow hoodie so more of his bare chest is exposed) Doing ok, Jerry, considering.

 

Springer: Now, what’s your story Kevin?

 

Kevin: Well, I left my abusive home in Laguna Beach, California to be with my boyfriend Toby (Kevin swoons but recomposes himself). But then, when I moved to Dante’s, I went to the basement and there was this old, ugly guy chained up down there—

 

Audience member: Damn, that’s kinky, that’s what my sister did to me!

 

Kevin:…Anyway, he forced me to kiss him, and then he started stalking me and trying to make me his slave! (Audience boos) And then he made me be his Aspirant or else he’d make Toby his slave! I lost Toby because of him and I want him to leave me alone once and for all!

 

Springer: Just for the audience’s information, we have a picture of the man you’re describing before he was released from his prison in the sub-basement, let’s take a look.

 

(Picture of Ambrosius in the basement shows up on all the screens. Audience members scream with horror; some begin to vomit)

 

Springer: O.O You kissed that?

 

Kevin: HE kissed ME! (Kevin wipes his lips off)

 

Springer:…I would NOT go ten feet near that dude unless he looked like Gregory Michael.

 

Kevin: Huh?

 

Springer: Uh, nothing. Um, Kevin, we have a surprise for you.

 

Kevin: (eyes light up with hope) Is Toby coming to take me back?

 

Springer: Well uh…the next guest…is Ambrosius Vallin. Ok, bring him out!

 

(Ambrosius, in his young state, walks out slowly and full of purpose and makes his way to the chair next to Kevin as the audience boos loudly, throwing things at him)

 

Ambrosius: (glares) I am impervious to your…trash and to your booing. You all do not know the power of Tresum.

 

Audience member: No, but I know the power of a threesome!

 

Audience member’s wife: WHAT?!

 

Audience member: Oh you stupid b***h, I never cheated on you! Sleeping with you IS a threesome!

 

Ambrosius: O.O

 

Springer: ANYWAY…Mr. Vallin, why don’t you tell us your side of the story?

 

Ambrosius: (glares at Springer) For over one hundred and sixty-five years, I have been chained in bondage, for a love that has no name.

 

Audience member: You mean queer love!

 

Ambrosius:…It was queer indeed, especially to those around me, but they never knew that I loved another man.

 

Audience member: That’s what queer means, oil head!

 

Ambrosius: (glares) My fiancée, Grace Neville (spits), the name alone makes me sick, killed my love and chained me into the basement of her home, cursing me with advanced age until the kiss of a young man should set me free. That young man…and the owner of my heart…is one Kevin Archer.

 

Kevin: (sneers) Oh yeah, I came down there to set you free…because I rather would have given up everything I had with Toby just to kiss your ugly a*s!

 

Springer: (mutters) I pity you immensely if you mean that literally.

 

Ambrosius: I can give you anything you want. I can give you love. I can give you riches. I’ve given you so much knowledge on how to use the power that is deep within you. Why won’t you love me too?

 

Kevin: Because you forced me to! That’s not love! You locked me up for the past six months in that house, cooping me up because you’re scared I’ll run away! And do you have any idea how much it hurt the first time you did me on that kitchen counter?! You just dropped my head on the tiling!

 

Ambrosius: You paid me back for that the other day!

 

Springer: O.O OK, time to bring in our next guest! Ambrosius, you might want to behave yourself for this one, are you ready?

 

Ambrosius:…Why would I possibly need to restrain myself? If it’s that pretty boy Toby, he is no match for me.

 

Kevin: He’s a better man than you’ll EVER—

 

Springer: Ok, bring out our next guest: Grace Neville!

 

(Audience cheers as Grace walks in with the same dress she work at the Libra Solstice with moss in her hair and her dress torn up)

 

Ambrosius: (eyes fill with fury) What the ::bleep:: are you doing here you little b***h?!

 

Grace: Back to make your life a living HELL like you made mine! (Grace slaps Ambrosius across the face and the audience stands up and cheers)

 

Audience: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!!!

 

Springer: Ok, ok, ok, CALM DOWN, we’re not here to fight—

 

Audience member: We’re not? DAMN! That’s the only reason why we come to these damn shows!

 

Springer: Annnd we appreciate your business, sir, but Ms. Neville, please take a seat and no magic please.

 

Grace: (scoffs) Who are you to make such a claim? Do you realize what Ambrosius has DONE to me? How he…BETRAYED me with that…that…that piece of GARBAGE?!

 

Ambrosius: Raymond was more a man than you’ll ever be—

 

Grace: He was more of a man than YOU were.

 

(Audience “oooh’s”)

 

Ambrosius: You are by far, the most selfish, most evil person I have met thus far—

 

Springer: (sighs) Well, we have another guest to bring on, this one’s probably going to make you happy Kevin. Alright, bring in Toby!

 

(Toby walks in and Kevin’s eyes light up and water. Kevin runs towards Toby and hugs him tightly and surprises Toby. From the backstage, Adam storms out ripping Kevin away from Toby)

 

Adam: Get your ::bleep::ing hands off him a*s::bleep::

 

Audience member: Why does “hole” get bleeped out and “a*s” doesn’t? o_0

 

Kevin: Don’t touch me ::bleep: face! Toby’s mine!

 

Adam: He was eyeing my package first, you dip ::bleep::!

 

Kevin: You’re a damn drug addict, Toby’s mine!

 

Toby: No, I’m NOT Kevin!

 

Kevin: (wibbles) Wuh…what?

 

(Toby pulls Adam to him and kisses him deeply)

 

Grace: Good gracious, is NOTHING sacred to you MEN?!

 

Audience member: What a bunch of ::bleep::ing f**s.

 

(Kevin, Toby, Adam and Ambrosius turn to face him)

 

Toby: What’d you say, ::bleep:: head?!

 

Kevin: You wanna see how gay I am when I shove my foot up your ::bleep::?!

 

Adam: You want me to ::bleep:: you up, mother ::bleep::?!

 

Ambrosius: I SHALL WIELD THE POWER OF TRESUM ON YOU!

 

(Kevin, Toby, and Adam turn to stare at Ambrosius)

 

Amrbrosius: (shrugs) I couldn’t think of a better line for the twenty-first century.

 

Audience member: Bring it you little queers!

 

Springer: GUYS! Sit back down or else I will have Steve restrain you!

 

(Steve walks out and the audience cheers)

 

Audience: STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!

 

Steve: (cracks his knuckles) Am I going to have to get rough on your asses?

 

Audience member: Them ::bleep:: like it rough!

 

Steve: (turns to the audience member) SHUT THE ::bleep:: UP BEFORE I RIP YOUR ::bleep::ING MOUTH OUT!

 

(Audience member sits down and his wife scolds him)

 

Springer: NOW I just want to bring out our next guest, for the mere viewing pleasure for the ladies in our audience: Trevor!

 

(Trevor comes out and all of the girls scream and fan themselves)

 

Trevor: Hey! Umm, what’s going on? Grace, why do you look so pissed? And Adam, I told you that you need to fix your pants because they’re inside out from earlier.

 

Toby: WHAT?! Adam, you SLEPT with Trevor?

 

Ambrosius: Mmmm, the thirst for Adam is quite burning indeed until it is quenched.

 

Toby: YOU HAD SEX WITH BRO TOO?!

 

Grace: I’m surprised I’VE not taken up the love that has no name if this is what ALL men are like!

 

(Griff comes onstage, eliciting more screams from the girls and comes up and snuggles behind Grace)

 

Griff: Mmm, I’m thankful that you didn’t go that way (Griff smacks Grace on the butt and she blushes deeply)

 

(Kevin stares angrily at Toby and Adam before ripping Adam away from Toby)

 

Kevin: You STOLE HIM FROM ME!

 

Toby: YOU LEFT ME FOR AMBROSIUS!

 

Kevin: I DID IT TO SAVE YOU!

 

Adam: CAN YOU A*S::bleep:: NOT SCREAM IN MY EARS?!

 

Kevin: ::bleep: YOU ADAM!

 

Adam: Nope, that’s what I got Toby for!

 

(Kevin and Adam begin fist fighting and Ambrosius looks on curiously)

 

Ambrosius: I’ll have to admit Kevin’s a*s DOES look good from this angle.

 

(Toby shoves Ambrosius)

 

Toby: You took Kevin from me!

 

Ambrosius: Shouldn’t you be happy? It gave you your beloved Adam, didn’t it?

 

Toby: I DIDN’T WANT IT TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS!

 

Kevin: So what, you were planning on breaking up with me anyhow?! (Kevin tackles Toby to the ground where Grace is)

 

Grace: Be CAFEFUL! You really shouldn’t be fighting near a pregnant woman!

 

(Everyone’s eyes bulge open and the audience “ooh”’s)

 

Ambrosius: Pre-pregnant?! Who on GOD’S earth would ::bleep:: you?!

 

(Griff smiles widely and the girls moan disappointedly)

 

Ambrosius:…………..

 

Springer: Wow, you’re speechless, Ambrosius.

 

Ambrosius: I know o_0

 

(Diana comes in, possessed by the Shadow and the audience screams and tries to run)

 

Diana: I shall take you all down!!! I shall possess the earth and gain ALL the power of the world!

 

Kevin: Over my dead body!

 

Diana: I can arrange that! (Diana throws a fire ball at Kevin and he falls to the ground)

 

Ambrosius: KEVIN!!! (Ambrosius picks up Kevin and cradles him and what’s left of the audience that’s still there and hasn’t died goes “awwww”)

 

Ambrosius: THIS is what I’m alive for…THIS is why I’m here…I love you Kevin.

 

Kevin: (barely regains consciousness) I…I love you…(the audience “awwws” again)

 

(Springer sits down in front of the camera)

 

Springer: Now, what have we learned today? Perhaps that love isn’t something that can be manipulated by magic and is something that can only be freely given. And if you ever see an old man in chains, don’t kiss him. Take care of yourselves, and each other.

 

(Diana comes in, kills Springer and growls at the camera before getting sucked back into the box)

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

This is based on the gay soap opera, "Dante's Cove" on Here! Network. If you're honestly curious about most of the jokes in here, I'd suggest doing a quick Google search for the Dante's homepage and it'll give you an idea of what the hell is going on. It's really directed at Dante's fans so if you didn't find this funny, I apologize. By the way, I don't own "Dante's Cove"--Here! Network does. So don't sue.

Reviews

[TeresaMichelle]

Loved it!! I am a HUGE Dantes Cove fan. Love Bro & Kev together. Love how practically most of the cast members made an appearance on the show. The show could actually be like this!! Nice Job!!