I know my dad is gone.. there isnt many days that I dont picture him sitting with me smoking, or eating, or watching tv. But on the holiday I dread the most, Christmas, I found myself dialing your number and wondering why you didnt show up. I haven't made it to new years but I know when I call your number at 12 am on Jan 1 you wont answer... and I didnt realize how agonizing at that date on the calendar is and now forever will be. Its tradition... the chambers family has an unspoken competition that includes each of us calling each other to say happy new years at midnight on the dot hoping that your name will show up on their phone before it appears on theirs. Its our race! But i just realized, this year, sleeping or not... daddy will not answer. Daddy will not call first or back.. daddy will not be a part of this new year... at least not physically. I didnt realize or learn the difficulties of coping.. it wasnt until Christmas morning, or the midnight new year tradition that I truly realized, daddy should be here. I love that hes with his parents and his critters.. it's honestly everything hes ever wanted but I want to be selfish.... daddy should be here. Daddy should be with me. I needed him to hold me when meek died... I needed him to say something wise and daddylike.... something like " I told you, hes the only man in this world that wont break your heart until time... but when it's time itll be like nothing you've ever experienced" and damn daddy you're right... I'd kill to cry to you about meek.. but instead your heart broke for me when you saw him walk through those gates... and that's okay... I know you'll take great care of him til I'm there. I know you'll love him the best you can.. and I also know you'll be there for me when I get sad or mad or frustrated.... I know you'll be there because even if you arent I'll fake it.. I need you daddy.. I miss you
December 26, 2018
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