odd little poem

odd little poem

A Poem by Voice11
"

something I must have started writing when I was 12 or so.

"

The darkness falls on another warm night

the full moon shines, making shadows,

feeding off other peoples fright.

All I am is a pair of eyes

sitting there,waiting, watching, just to analyze.

Fear is rarely worshipped

and nor is the light of day by all

My inner self under lock and key is kept

outermost emotions carelessly swept.

as the secrets around me like a tree grows tall

Ashes to Ashes, to nothing at all

© 2009 Voice11


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This is beyond words. It's short, but utterly profound. I must be so bold again to point out a couple of wonky lines: "and nor.....is kept". First off, I'm not too familiar with the placement of "nor", even though it sounds very poetic, but the main point is that "is" is said twice between the two lines, which is redundant. I would suggest this: "And the day by all my inner self/Under lock and key is kept"....that way the musicality is good, and hit good assonance too. Your call....I'm just making harmless suggestions for assistance. Well done!

Posted 2 Years Ago


Very dark and full of emotion. Well-written :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


i really love this last 4 lines add a real essence to the poem
it is short but says so much
the choice of words is good and they help in the better flow of the poem
Keep up the good work!
~Aaradhya

Posted 10 Years Ago


Wow, this piece speaks so deep within the crevices of our being and it goes deeper than expected. I love the way you started off with discussing your surroundings and how they evoke your mood and what is around you. Wow, very mature for a twelve year old.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I like this
I can feel the emotion involved
Very well expressed.

Posted 10 Years Ago


intriguing piece of writing.Which illustrates the puniness of self

Posted 10 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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6 Reviews
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Added on August 4, 2009
Last Updated on August 26, 2009

Author

Voice11
Voice11

In a small town =), ME



About
My name is Michelle. I am 22. I' still finding my way. more..

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