Future Penance

Sometimes future knowledge knows best. Excerpt from "Diaries of the Crazies" Yours Truly,

 “They call me crazy ” said the old man. The room was cluttered with contraptions and appliances. The full pale face of the moon peering in from the large window lit the surroundings and etched shadows on the walls.
“They don’t think I can do it!” he said examining as he made his his last calculation on a blueprint schematic.
Lightning stuck without warning and branched throughout the night sky. It flashed against the large watch tower window behind him and lit up the rest of the room. In the corner was a tall metal box bolted to the floor. The box was large enough for a man to easily step into, like a phone booth, and wires strung off and down it while two large aluminum dishes webbed with more wires incased the cubicle.
    The man held a string in his hands that was connected to an elaborate kite which he held in his other hand. He carefully opened the window and shoved the kite outside into the night letting the windy gusts carry it up towards the giant face of the moon. He fed the string out the window until it was taunt in his hand. Spinning around he dashed to the machine in the corner and fastened the end of the string to a open wire protruding out the bottom.
He marveled at his machine. The man’s white hair now was sitting restless on his head because of the open window. He grinned in a mad satisfaction.  His sinless white teeth were revealed and his green eyes glowed like emeralds.
    Another flash of lightning scourged the night sky. The string that was being pulled tight out the window was transformed into a radiating white strand of light. A hissing sound filled the room and a slender lightning bolt snaked down the string and into the machine.
 Instantly the two twin disks started moving, one clockwise and the other counter. The lightning bolt darted from the string and wrapped up into the two spinning disks making a wild web of vivid white light.
“YES!! I did it  ” said the man as stray forks of lightning jumped from the machine and attacked the corners of the room sporadically. The inventor dared a step to his possessed machine.
“I’ve done it! ”
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light. From out of the machine, drenched in light, birthed a man. A black top hat shadowed his face and he wore a black trench coat to match. He stepped from the inside of the booth and looked plainly at the scientist who stood dumbfounded. 
“Yes you have done it” he said plainly. Spastic strands of electricity licked his body and branched wildly throughout the room. 
The scientist’s mouth was wide with shock but said nothing.
“But you learned you shouldn’t of” the stranger said again. Green eyes peered out from the shadow that lingered over the stranger’s face. Slowly, he reached under his black duster and pulled out a Colt revolver. He grinned in a familiar mad satisfaction as he pulled the trigger.
Both men collapsed.

Reviews

[M. Freeman]

Short and to the point, which I like. Your use of language is strong and evocative, as in phrases like "sinless white teeth," which I especially enjoyed. You have a strong grasp of narrative prose, and while I feel this section could do with a bit of line-editing, the overall product is excellent.

My only real concern is the dangerous line with which this story toes the cliched. Things like the phrase "They call me crazy," feel a bit obvious, and making the identity of the second individual more clear would place sharper focus on the important part of this story--which is the man undoing his own mistake. Also, (and this is a total nit-pick), it's "shouldn't HAVE," not "shouldn't of."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not dogging you out, by any means. This is a good piece, and I admire your work. I just think, with a little tweaking, it could be great.

[Rudy Menjivar]

Excellent read, thank you.

[Emily Quinn]

fascinating story! I absolutely loved this. I am usually very critical when it comes to short stories but I have nothing but praise for this. Your descriptions were perfect which created very vivid imagery which I was able to follow like a short film. The ending was exceptionally fitting, leaving many things to the imagination (my favourite kinds of endings) myseterious story, imaginative and creative. Great job

[Rose Tyler]

I enjoyed reading this, thank you.