Ekaterina

I wrote this for my Pre-AP English class. I made an A

A little girl named Ekaterina sits in the hospital watching TV feeling very flaccid. She has ague. On the TV there's an interlocutor and he's saying a declamation on cancer cures. Ekaterina's mother looks at the TV with perspicuity. The people on TV listening to the speech are contumaciously remonstrance because the cure could either kill you or cure you.

The speaker said "aforesaid the cure is chaste it just has a swarthy side." The mother was stupefied by the speaker’s speech. 

She looked at Ekaterina and smiled, “You want to try darling, it might cure you." 

The obstinate girl said," If that’s how you want me to die."

“Why would you say that? I don't want you to die."

“Then don't try it."

The mother goes quiet trying to augur what might happen. Then the magnanimous nurse comes in carry a prodigious mottled stuffed monkey with a diadem on and a movie.

The nurse sad, “Happy 7th birthday sweetie, I hope you have a great day! I bought you this monkey and a movie call Pan's Labyrinth!"

"Thank you."

"Your welcome"

“What’s a labyrinth?"

“It’s a maze sweetie."

“Ok. Can you tell me the story about the malefactors again?"

"Sure honey."

 While the nurse told the little girl the story. The very choleric, cheeky mother stood up and said," Is this superfluous? I besought a coffee an hour ago and I still haven't got it!" She stormed out the room. The nurse looks at the door then back at the little girl and screams, Katie, wake up Hun!" she shakes the little girl but she doesn't awake. The nurse starts crying and calls for help. Nurses and doctors run in the room, and start rushing the little girl to ICU.

The mother stands in the hall waiting when the dexterous, auspicious doctor comes to tell her that Ekaterina died. 

Later on that week was her funeral, which was a copious to a lot of people. During the service, the air picked up one single asunder petal danced slowly across her coffin before landing right in the middle. As the people watched it, they knew she was in heaven.

Author's Note

What did you think?

Reviews

[Aarontastic]

To be honest, I am disappointed that your teacher gave you an A on this, because that is only going to encourage what I think are some bad habits. There are numerous spelling and punctuation mistakes for one thing, but those are minor flaws that you are probably more than capable of correcting on your own after a more thorough proofread. The major problem with your story, imo, was your overuse of superfluous and altiloquent locutions. I mean, your unnecessarily "big" words. Unfortunately, that was the only thing that really stood out in the story :/ Although the setting and subject matter had the makings of something very sad and poignant, it did not ever get going or engage me as a reader.

Idk what your assignment was exactly. If your teach just wanted you to write a short little thing and use lots of esoteric words, then you did a great job. As an artistic story, however, it misses the mark.

You are clearly smart; you have a big vocabulary and that's a great thing for writers to possess. But that isn't enough to make a good story - just think of all of the ones you've read and liked. The chances are that they probably use pretty pedestrian words; the reason that they capture our attention and are compelling is because they create believable, deep characters, and present fascinating or gripping stories. I would suggest channeling your energy in those directions, instead of focusing so much on your exotic vocab.