To the moon, we give nothing but our withering love

To the moon, we give nothing but our withering love

A Story by GardenofIris

Tonight I walk as a chosen one. The test awaits me, to become one with the moon. I accept my role, My grandmother wept. Her last husband was chosen before me and passed, passing means watching over as the chief. My family will protect the village for another five years.


Tonight I listen as a chosen one. The test growing closer with every new step. My legs begin to tire as I get closer to the center of the forests where the guardians await my visit. Standing tall they begin surrounding me and they howl, louder than the songs of my people. They are the musicians of the moon songs.



Tonight I stand as a chosen one. The test has come, I will become one with the moon. I accept their song as a blessing. They begin to circle me. I watch the glow of the moonlight on their inhuman faces, anxious. Will I be accepted? My heart starts pounding as one walks to me. Looking at every detail on my body, smelling. Do they notice I’m afraid. Will they reject me?


Tonight I scream as a chosen one. The test begins as the first one starts at me. I flinch. I have failed my people, and for that I scream. Do they hear me? The sounds of weakness leaving me. My sadness grows deeper as they begin to bite again. Tonight my grandmother will weep. Tonight I lose my weakness, I will not be one with the moon. Instead, I will suffer in my end… Farewell grandmother...

© 2021 GardenofIris


Author's Note

GardenofIris
Rate and maybe review. edited the second paragraph to fit in with the wordplay

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Featured Review

I think you could rework the second paragraph so it falls in line, keeps the cadence, of the others. Change the first sentence to "Tonight I..." something as a chosen one. Then the rest of the paragraph probably works fine. I think it depends on what this work is intended to be. It's almost a poem. It would work as a short Prologue, an intro to a bigger story, maybe.

One suggestion someone once gave to me is to be careful how often you "begin to" do something. If your characters always "begin to sleep" or "begin to run" or "starts to..." can't they just do it? Too many connecting phrases can make writing choppy for the reader.

I liked your pattern of short sentences. It put me inside the thoughts of your character, set the tone, the anticipation, the apprehension.

This was an engaging read. It pulled me in, piqued my interest and would have kept me reading more. Well done.

Posted 1 Week Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

GardenofIris

5 Days Ago

Thank you, I think I found a way to rewrite it, going to edit this if I can figure out how.



Reviews

I think you could rework the second paragraph so it falls in line, keeps the cadence, of the others. Change the first sentence to "Tonight I..." something as a chosen one. Then the rest of the paragraph probably works fine. I think it depends on what this work is intended to be. It's almost a poem. It would work as a short Prologue, an intro to a bigger story, maybe.

One suggestion someone once gave to me is to be careful how often you "begin to" do something. If your characters always "begin to sleep" or "begin to run" or "starts to..." can't they just do it? Too many connecting phrases can make writing choppy for the reader.

I liked your pattern of short sentences. It put me inside the thoughts of your character, set the tone, the anticipation, the apprehension.

This was an engaging read. It pulled me in, piqued my interest and would have kept me reading more. Well done.

Posted 1 Week Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

GardenofIris

5 Days Ago

Thank you, I think I found a way to rewrite it, going to edit this if I can figure out how.

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Added on January 11, 2021
Last Updated on January 16, 2021

Author

GardenofIris
GardenofIris

Writing
Pulse Pulse

A Poem by GardenofIris





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