Resume in the case of James Alan Thick

The resume that a complete loser would have.

 

JAMES ALAN THICK

420 Kemp Road

Fargo, North Dakota 55855

No Telephone Number

No Email Address

No Electricity

SSN: See ID (No ID)

 

Professional Objective:

           

-          Save enough money to live off of for the month after I quit my job at your company.

 

Summary:

 

-          Has literally worked every job in Trunk County.

-          Worked at Kemp Road Arby’s for almost a month.

-          Career record passing drug tests: 12-57

-          Rarely shows up to work drunk.

-          Survived stabbing in the kitchen of Dianna’s Deli.

-          Survived Long-Range shotgun blast after being robbed at B.P. (or was I the one robbing the B.P.?)

 

Personal Information:

 

-          Country of citizenship – Nebraska

-          Veteran status – Other than honorable discharge:

·         Alabama Air National Guard (2000)

·         U.S. Navy (2001)

·         U.S. Coast Guard Reserve (2001)

·         U.S. Army (2001)

 

-          Registered Sex Offender (Nebraska, Kansas, Idaho, North and South Dakota, Mississippi).

 

Job Experience:

 

-          Held 248 different jobs from 1998-2008

-          Fired/Quit/Laid off/Shut down due to Health Code violations at/from all of the above.

-          180 day stint at Trunk County Jail for Gross Sexual imposition (where held 8 different jobs)

-          Got laid in Presidential Suite at the Prairie Dog Motel (paid in cash) while on the clock.

-          While working for Geek Squad at the Fargo Best Buy, got this one computer to turn on one time when it wouldn’t.

 

 

Job Experience (cont.):

 

-          Fired from Northshore Trucking for seven separate DUI charges in four      different states and three different countries.

-          Stripped of Veterinary Technician license for “treating euthanasia as a panacea” (State of North Dakota Board of Veterinary Discrepancies case 1098234).

-          Stripped of EMT-B license for “Targeting healthy geriatric patients and forcefully intubating them…incorrectly” (State of Kansas Board of Malpractice case 8657980).

-          Successfully dug up unconscious mortician after accidentally burying him alive.

 

Education:

 

-          Home Schooled

-          Read this one book one time for high school (gay).

-          …Home High-schooled

 

Training:

 

-          Usually didn’t make it through.

 

Additional Skills:

 

-          Speaks American

-          Knows how to turn on computer (see “Work Experience”).

-          Typed a sentence one time without any red squiggly lines underneath words.

-          Had Driver’s license (Permanently revoked in 2002; State of Nebraska, Kansas, North and South Dakota, Idaho, Texas, Rhode Island, Mexico Bureau of Motor Vehicles).

-          Non-violent felon (Attempted Murder charge dropped in 2004 due to loop hole in Oklahoma Illegal Search and Seizure laws that the Public Defender actually found this time).

 

Certificates/Licensure:

 

-          All revoked (with exception of License to Practice Ministry in South Dakota and License to Practice Medicine in Honduras (pending revocation).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honors/Awards/Special Achievements:

 

-          Placed 5^th out of 7 in a Nebraska corn eating contest in 4^th grade.

-          Collected enough Joe Camel bucks to buy that sweet director’s chair with your last name on the back flap.

-          On a first name basis with nearly every police officer in Trunk County, North Dakota and the surrounding nine counties.

-          Number one most wanted non-violent (pending charges) felon in Oregon State.

 

Hobbies/Interests:

 

-          Buys mannequins and beats them while pretending they are his wife.

-          Alcoholic.

-          Heroin Addict.

-          Crack head.

-          Sex Offender.

Reviews

[Brjden (Bridge-Den) Cre..]

Hilarious!! Speaks "American"? Very funny stuff. I'm not sure what made you create this, but it is definitely that....creative! I was expecting something very different, but you have a very interesting talent for building tons of detail around one particular subject. Crafty! I look forward to reading more of your work!

[[untitled]]

Genius!! This was brilliant.
You had me cracking up from the beginning.
The funniest (sad as hell) thing, is that this isn't that hard to imagine, I've seen people come pretty close.
"Speaks American" That line is the highlight of the piece. Exactly what a slow American would say.