![]() Resume in the case of James Alan ThickA Story by Tony Woods![]() The resume that a complete loser would have.![]()
JAMES ALAN THICK
420 Kemp Road
Fargo, North Dakota 55855
No Telephone Number
No Email Address
No Electricity
SSN: See ID (No ID)
Professional Objective:
- Save enough money to live off of for the month after I quit my job at your company.
Summary:
- Has literally worked every job in Trunk County.
- Worked at Kemp Road Arby’s for almost a month.
- Career record passing drug tests: 12-57
- Rarely shows up to work drunk.
- Survived stabbing in the kitchen of Dianna’s Deli.
- Survived Long-Range shotgun blast after being robbed at B.P. (or was I the one robbing the B.P.?)
Personal Information:
- Country of citizenship – Nebraska
- Veteran status – Other than honorable discharge:
· Alabama Air National Guard (2000)
· U.S. Navy (2001)
· U.S. Coast Guard Reserve (2001)
· U.S. Army (2001)
- Registered Sex Offender (Nebraska, Kansas, Idaho, North and South Dakota, Mississippi).
Job Experience:
- Held 248 different jobs from 1998-2008
- Fired/Quit/Laid off/Shut down due to Health Code violations at/from all of the above.
- 180 day stint at Trunk County Jail for Gross Sexual imposition (where held 8 different jobs)
- Got laid in Presidential Suite at the Prairie Dog Motel (paid in cash) while on the clock.
- While working for Geek Squad at the Fargo Best Buy, got this one computer to turn on one time when it wouldn’t.
Job Experience (cont.):
- Fired from Northshore Trucking for seven separate DUI charges in four different states and three different countries.
- Stripped of Veterinary Technician license for “treating euthanasia as a panacea” (State of North Dakota Board of Veterinary Discrepancies case 1098234).
- Stripped of EMT-B license for “Targeting healthy geriatric patients and forcefully intubating them…incorrectly” (State of Kansas Board of Malpractice case 8657980).
- Successfully dug up unconscious mortician after accidentally burying him alive.
Education:
- Home Schooled
- Read this one book one time for high school (gay).
- …Home High-schooled
Training:
- Usually didn’t make it through.
Additional Skills:
- Speaks American
- Knows how to turn on computer (see “Work Experience”).
- Typed a sentence one time without any red squiggly lines underneath words.
- Had Driver’s license (Permanently revoked in 2002; State of Nebraska, Kansas, North and South Dakota, Idaho, Texas, Rhode Island, Mexico Bureau of Motor Vehicles).
- Non-violent felon (Attempted Murder charge dropped in 2004 due to loop hole in Oklahoma Illegal Search and Seizure laws that the Public Defender actually found this time).
Certificates/Licensure:
- All revoked (with exception of License to Practice Ministry in South Dakota and License to Practice Medicine in Honduras (pending revocation).
Honors/Awards/Special Achievements:
- Placed 5th out of 7 in a Nebraska corn eating contest in 4th grade.
- Collected enough Joe Camel bucks to buy that sweet director’s chair with your last name on the back flap.
- On a first name basis with nearly every police officer in Trunk County, North Dakota and the surrounding nine counties.
- Number one most wanted non-violent (pending charges) felon in Oregon State.
Hobbies/Interests:
- Buys mannequins and beats them while pretending they are his wife.
- Alcoholic.
- Heroin Addict.
- Crack head.
- Sex Offender.
© 2009 Tony WoodsFeatured Review
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2 Reviews Added on January 14, 2009 Author![]() Tony WoodsHuron, OHAbout"Working on leaving the living" - Modest Mouse (I'm kidding about the content of the quote, I'm happy with my life) My name's Tony Woods, hence "T.Woods" if you still need confirmation, but I'm not.. more..Writing
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