A Vampire Poem

A Vampire Poem

A Poem by Tai-San

 

Vampire Poem
Lurking in the dead of night,
The darkened knight wanders.
They seek the blood of a virgin woman,
A beautiful girl whom may not yet be seventeen.
 
And when they find her,
She looks into his eyes.
Their gazes have met,
And her fate is now in his hands.
 
She becomes obsessed with him,
This guy whom she thinks she loves.
What she doesn’t know is about what he wants,
And that is just one thing.
 
By now, she glares at her true love,
Unmoving,
And eyes unblinking.
Her face is plain, as though she’s staring into another world.
 
He moves her hair back, smiling
As he pushes his shiny fangs out.
They are pointy and sharper than a needle.
 
He brings his fangs to her neck, and starts to push down,
Starts to bite,
To suck the life out of the fair maiden.
 
The young maiden gasps as he bites,
Though that is it.
After the startle,
No other movement is detected.
 
As he sucks in her blood,
As sweet to him as candy is to a child,
Venom comes out of his fangs,
Poisoning the girl.
 
She now lies in the coffin,
Beautiful and pale.
Now she is the same as her love,
A night-crawler true.

© 2009 Tai-San


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Featured Review

You have an interesting idea here, but you have written it all in a journalistic type piece. There seems to be no passion in it. Reads like I am reading an article in the newspaper on the price of rice in China or something. No soul so to speak. Another thing I noticed, at the beginning you keep writing "they", but you are only referencing the knight himself. Change that up to "he", "him" or "his" depending on the usage. A bit more of a dramatic flair would definetly liven this up a bit. Don't discard it or anything for it really is a good idea, just needs a bit more work is all. If you redo it, let me know and I'll reread it for you.

Posted 11 Years Ago


4 of 4 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Wow! That was great! I could just imagine what was happening in my head! Great work!

Posted 11 Years Ago


I loved it! It had very good imagery. It was awesome!
-Nightmare

Posted 11 Years Ago


I would have to agree that there are a few grammar errors but that can be fixed easily. I thought that it was easy to read and even though it was quick to read I very much enjoyed reading it. My favorite part was the very end when it said "Now she is the same as her love, a night-crawler true." I wasn't expecting that because you would think that naturally he would suck out all of her blood. All and all I liked it.

Posted 11 Years Ago


You have an interesting idea here, but you have written it all in a journalistic type piece. There seems to be no passion in it. Reads like I am reading an article in the newspaper on the price of rice in China or something. No soul so to speak. Another thing I noticed, at the beginning you keep writing "they", but you are only referencing the knight himself. Change that up to "he", "him" or "his" depending on the usage. A bit more of a dramatic flair would definetly liven this up a bit. Don't discard it or anything for it really is a good idea, just needs a bit more work is all. If you redo it, let me know and I'll reread it for you.

Posted 11 Years Ago


4 of 4 people found this review constructive.


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Added on May 26, 2009

Author

Tai-San
Tai-San

New York



About
I am single and an age. I hate people, but I love them. I get scared very easily and, well, i wont say why. I'm a poet, though i'm bad at it. My best friends are: Wa Ya As The Gothic Cowboy, ATG, .. more..

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