Fat,Sick and in Denial

A book chronicling the journey of one young women's desperate attempt to change her life.

I need to loose weight. I guess...
I have discovered I have prioritized everything and I mean everything and everyone over myself and my health.

While I was in my last year of college, at a routine OB/GYN visit, I was diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. These 4 little letters would become the catalyst that seriously deteriorated my wellness without my realization.  At the time, I was clueless to the potential severity of this woman's health disease. Whats a few cyst on the ovaries - big deal, right. Wrong! My nurse practitioner told me that PCOS was a common complication in overweight women and is onset by weight gain. Talk about the "freshmen 15", I had easily gained 50lbs since graduating high school! Fine - its fine, all I would have to do was loose a few pounds and I wouldn't have to worry about this whole cyst on the ovaries thing.

As we all know loosing weight is easier said than done. I was 230lbs. And Although I dreaded the thought of being over 200 pounds, I made myself believe that I still looked decent, I had a pretty face and there wasn't anything wrong with me. Until... I overheard a group of guys that was taking a scriptwriting course with me, pick a part the girls in the group that I hung out in. Granted we were an eclectic group but I honestly didn't believe they could find fault in my appearance. I dressed well, my hair was neat and I always wore make-up. Besides, these guys weren't prized hunks themselves. They were your average New Yorkers, with over priced educations, sports jackets and Levi's, dark hair, dark framed glasses and egos as big as the Burroughs they hailed from. One of the guys had the nerve to say," now, she'd be alright if she'd loose like thirty pounds". I was devastated. If I was white, my face would have burned red and I would have ran to my car sobbing. I was the only fat girl in the group. So I knew they were referring to me.

Back then, that's all it took for me. I started going to the gym on campus twice a day. It was included in my tuition. Who knew. lol. I cut out junk food, drank loads of water and choose the foods that was made up mostly of vegetables from my campus cafeteria. Before, I knew it, I dropped those thirty pounds and then some just in time to relocate to the city to start my new internship/job as a Market Research Assistant for a Indie Film distribution company. I had the time of my life. Most of the group of girls that I hung out with in college took on internships and jobs in the city as well. So we had an awesome time together. I attended wrap parties and events that was infiltrated with celebrities. I wasn't worried about the eating and the drinking that I was doing because I practically walked everywhere. Everyone practically walks everywhere in New York City.

At that time, my aunt was keeping my son while I was pursuing my career. But I couldn't help the over-bearing sense of guilt I began to feel not raising my own child. And whenever I feel guilty, boy do I eat. Once my lifestyle became too costly and I became too ridden with guilt, I told my boss that I would be returning back to my hometown to be with my son. He wrote me a nice letter of recommendation and sent me on my way.

It was good to reunite with my family. I needed to become grounded again and pull my head out of the clouds of pure bliss. New York was wonderful, but the city is unaffordable and no where to raise a child. I took a desk job at a bank, in which I drove a car to everyday- barely walking anywhere. I ate from vending machines and became comfortable in my sedentary life. It wasn't a big deal to me -I was with my son and I had found a new "good time" in raising him. He honestly was a pleasure to raise. We did everything together. Movies, Go-Carts, Arcades and of course restaurants! We loved trying new restaurants. Buffalo has the best food, hands down. And so the pounds began to creep back on.

My son's dream of playing college football is what urged us to relocate to the south, leaving behind our comfortable life, family and friends and our stable support system to wander into... the unknown. We had to make this new life work for us. By ourselves. And that is exactly what we did. I took a job at a Research Center as a Marketing Research Assistant and my son attended one of the best high schools in the city for football. They had won the championship the year prior. We were always busy, always on the go. And we ate without limit along the way. I cooked healthy meals some nights at home, but most of the time, we ate on the go. Fast food, dine-in  - we explored our new city through its tasty delicacies. Southern cuisine, western fare, franchises, the works. The city did not let us down - not once. Wherever we had to go, there was always a fast food restaurant waiting to serve us.

So in the last two years, I focused all of my energy in my career and assisting my son with obtaining an athletic scholarship, neglecting my sense of wellness. I ate without end overlooking the changes my body, my health and my energy level was going through. It slowly affected my spirituality and my self confidence which in turn had an effect on my love life or lack there of. lol  But I will talk about that in a later chapter.

Here I am today, two years later... my son has obtained a partial scholarship, moved on campus in Virginia and I now live in Atlanta all alone. I have put on an extra 20 pounds and totally feel drained every single day. Truth is, I spent the majority of my life being overweight and gaining more weight was never in the plans. I'm lethargic at work, I'm lethargic at home. I constantly experience pain in my feet and legs and back and the list goes on and on. No more skirts and heels. I'm reduced to a life of flats, tennis shoes and Lycra in my clothing. And on top of all of that, I am terrified of going to see a doctor. I don't want to hear the bad news. I know that I am unhealthy and that I need to loose weight. I don't want to live a life dependent on prescribed medication. I need to loose weight. I am sure of it now. No more denying the symptoms I experience everyday that reveals an unhealthy lifestyle, I must tackle this illness in order to save my life.

This will be the most difficult and rewarding journey I have ever experienced.