Mystery Boy

A girl who realizes that people aren't always who they appear to be.

There has always been that saying, “love at first sight”. I never believed in it until I saw you. When you walked in, my heart skipped a beat, my face grew hot and red. You didn't say much to people, never have. There was a mysterious look to you and I was attracted to it. I made a fool out of myself, trying to get you to notice me. I always blushed when you came near. But none of it mattered. I guess no one is who they perceive to be.

As I was walking down the street, on my way home, I had you on my mind. I always did. Strangely, I couldn't stop thinking about you.

I heard some noises down an alleyway and decided to check it out. The alley was filled with boxes, dumpsters and metal trash cans. The noises started to sound inhuman-like, so I started walking slower. Then I saw it. I saw you, your teeth deep into someone's neck. Blood was spurting out everywhere. The person was squirming around, trying to scream for help. You kept your hand over his mouth to keep him quiet.

I turned away, heart pounding. Walk, maybe he didn't see you. I picked up the pace. I dared to turn my head to get a glimpse. You were gone, disappeared from sight. The person you were feeding off of was lying there in his own pool of blood. I turned my head away and yelped. You stood like a tower in front of me. There was nowhere to go. You threw me up against a wall behind a dumpster.

“I've been waiting for you to find me,” my lover said to me.

“Why are you doing this? I thought you were…,” I tried to get the words out, but nothing.

“Thought I was a boy you liked in class? I heard your thoughts, ya know. I'm so flattered, but as you see, I'm not who you think.”

“I didn't know what to say. He caresses my face, “I did notice you though.”

The next minute was a blur. You plunged your teeth into my neck and as I felt the warmth of my blood running down my body, everything went black.

Author's Note

This is one of the first short stories I've ever written, but I have written plenty more since then. I would love to be criticized and given advice/tips.

Reviews

[N.]

I love the story and you did a very good job of telling but not showing. In other words, you did not blatantly tell the reader what you were talking about. Just a few grammatical error but besides that, very strong story from beginning to end. Very mysterious. N.

[Natasha]

Thank you and is it a bad thing that I didn't show or do I need to do that more?

[N.]

Show dont tell is good at times.

[Natasha]

Oh okay, thanks

[bella]

I'm sooo sorry for the late reviews I always love everything you write.

[Natasha]

Thank you much

[barleygirl]

This is a good short story with a nice balance of description & action. Amazing for such a short story to feel complete, but this length is good for people online with short attention spans (many avoid stories & read only poems). I also like that there's an overarching lesson: people aren't who you may think they are . . . which is supported by the story in a twisted way. I'm not a big fan of "zombie" or "vampire" genres, but I found this to be mostly realistic writing with only a touch of the macabre (which I do enjoy).

[Natasha]

Thank you so much! Means a lot

[Zephyr]

A fabulous short story Natasha:)
I love reading short stories.
And this one is great.
Keep writing!

[Natasha]

Thank you much :)

[Zephyr]

My pleasure

[Coyote Poetry]

A surprise ending to the story in the poetry. Some wisdom too. Be careful what you wish for. Thank you Natasha for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Psychotic Lily]

For a short story it's good, but lacking. (Don't kill me)

There are some grammar mistakes but that could easily be fixed. You also lack description or emotion to pull the reader further in.You need to say more about the character, put some twist, or something unique because in my eyes this is a cliche way to start a vampire love story.

And this had me thinking:
“I've been waiting for you to find me,” my lover said to me.
As I read this he isn't her lover but an object of her affections. There should be a better way to call him.

I'm fussy once it comes to stories but my advice are from an amateur writer and don't hate me

[Natasha]

I don't hate you, I appreciate your feedback and I definitely will take your advice and revise it

[Mr.Writer]

The warmth and feelings from this poem are big!
Love can make us do anything, it intoxicates us...
I really liked this piece!

[Raven Moonchild]

I had a love interest almost exactly like this. Scary good write here. :)

[Natasha]

Thank you!!

[Rassoul]

Well written story, I also like how it ended.

Good read.

[Natasha]

Thank youu

[Farhan Shaikh]

Very good story ending was too good i like this very much

[Natasha]

Thank you.