Mystery Boy

A girl who realizes that people aren't always who they appear to be.

There has always been that saying, “love at first sight”. I never believed in it until I saw you. When you walked in, my heart skipped a beat, my face grew hot and red. You didn't say much to people, never have. There was a mysterious look to you and I was attracted to it. I made a fool out of myself, trying to get you to notice me. I always blushed when you came near. But none of it mattered. I guess no one is who they perceive to be.

As I was walking down the street, on my way home, I had you on my mind. I always did. Strangely, I couldn't stop thinking about you.

I heard some noises down an alleyway and decided to check it out. The alley was filled with boxes, dumpsters and metal trash cans. The noises started to sound inhuman-like, so I started walking slower. Then I saw it. I saw you, your teeth deep into someone's neck. Blood was spurting out everywhere. The person was squirming around, trying to scream for help. You kept your hand over his mouth to keep him quiet.

I turned away, heart pounding. Walk, maybe he didn't see you. I picked up the pace. I dared to turn my head to get a glimpse. You were gone, disappeared from sight. The person you were feeding off of was lying there in his own pool of blood. I turned my head away and yelped. You stood like a tower in front of me. There was nowhere to go. You threw me up against a wall behind a dumpster.

“I've been waiting for you to find me,” my lover said to me.

“Why are you doing this? I thought you were…,” I tried to get the words out, but nothing.

“Thought I was a boy you liked in class? I heard your thoughts, ya know. I'm so flattered, but as you see, I'm not who you think.”

“I didn't know what to say. He caresses my face, “I did notice you though.”

The next minute was a blur. You plunged your teeth into my neck and as I felt the warmth of my blood running down my body, everything went black.

Author's Note

This is one of the first short stories I've ever written, but I have written plenty more since then. I would love to be criticized and given advice/tips.

Reviews

[N.]

I love the story and you did a very good job of telling but not showing. In other words, you did not blatantly tell the reader what you were talking about. Just a few grammatical error but besides that, very strong story from beginning to end. Very mysterious. N.

[Natasha]

Thank you and is it a bad thing that I didn't show or do I need to do that more?

[N.]

Show dont tell is good at times.

[Natasha]

Oh okay, thanks

[Nigel Newman]

Hi Natasha. There's quite a dark corner in your imagination! But you are a captivating storyteller. Yes, there are proofing comments I could make, but standing back, if I imagine you telling this story to your friends, I think they'd listen ... and remember ... maybe you could ask them a few days later.

One semi-structural thing to think about, perhaps, is tense. You switch a bit in here between present and past. It's partly a personal like thing, but I think here that the present tense is more effective, more immediate, more impactful. As I say, it's partly a subjective preference, so your call really.

Regards
Nigel

[Natasha]

Wow, Thank you so much! I really appreciate this review. It helps a lot.