The Planet Enterprise - 2

The Planet Enterprise - 2

A Poem by Diamond

The Planet Enterprise -2

 

You’re a vicious serpent with forked tongue.

Everything you say and do has two meanings.

The naïve and innocent are mistaken with one.

For they’re tempted to see their reflection of good in you.

 

You imbue in their minds and manipulate their perception.

You use their beliefs to keep them enslaved,

To your vile and malicious intentions,

While you roam in the arrogance of wealth and power.

 

You commodify every facet of human existence,

Health, food, childhood, old age, Life and Death.

And You pollute the psyche of humanity

With porn, politics, and distractions of glamor & sex,

To keep them asleep to your underlying agendas,

Of capitalizing on their addictions

as well as on their beingness.

 

And you think you will get away with this?

Then you are horribly mistaken.

Your shots at immortality won’t save you.

For (Life and Death) = Unknown

And when the Unknown strikes,

Then there is no then.

 


08-01-21

 

 

 

 

© 2021 Diamond


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Reviews

Obviously, you're upset, but you might want to look at what was said again, when you're not angry and reacting.

You're TELLING when you should be SHOWING. You need to either impress the reader with the beauty of the language and phrasing—which you don't, here—or, involve the reader, emotionally. In other words, make the reader care, and want to read on. Remember, the reader is a volunteer, not a conscript. Lecture them for a single line and they're gone.

Saying you follow no rules of poetry is another way of saying that you don't write poetry. You can't just label something a poem and expect the world to agree. If you don't follow the "rules" of scuba you die. If you don't follow the "rules" of engineering your bridge falls down. If you don't follow the "rules" of baseball, you're not playing baseball. Think about it. It takes us a couple of years to stop crapping in our pants. But you want BE a poet in zero time, just because you decide you are? Naaa. If it was that easy, I'd be a rich and famous writer.

And you call this a poem. You can call a potato a tractor, but it ain't gonna pull your plow.

Take the time to become a poet. Who knows...maybe you'll like being a one, instead of just calling yourself one.

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


JayG

2 Weeks Ago

• I respect my readers for whatever message they take from my writings

If you respe.. read more
Diamond

2 Weeks Ago

I posted "Con games on virtual reality" with reference to all these inauthentic pseudo-artists out t.. read more
Diamond

2 Weeks Ago

What you imagine of who and what I am, defines YOU. Not me.

"You’re a vicious serpent with forked tongue."

Why thank you for noticing. Getting it split was really expensive. Seriously, are there serpents who don't have a forked tongue? Of course not. So how is telling a person that they are both a serpent AND have a forked tongue, meaningful? Research...always research. Your JOB is to make it meaningful to the reader.

But, as stated, it applies to the one reading the piece. So...why are you calling every reader, "a vicious serpent with forked tongue?" Was that you peeking in through the window last night, when I was shedding my skin?

That might not be what you wanted the reader to get, but it IS what you said. In short: The line can't work for the people you wrote this for, the reader. Always, always, always, say what you mean, and mean what you say.
_________________________
"Everything you say and do has two meanings."

Really? Damn, I was trying for three.

Seriously, Why are you posting a letter to someone unknown, broken into lines, as a poem. It's not poetic in language choice, nor is it meaningful, because you're the only one who knows who and what you're talking about. For anyone else, someone we know nothing about is insulting someone we know nothing about. Why? Damned if I can tell.

And that leads to a critical question: Why should anyone but the one this is addressed to care?

In short: This is a letter, center justified, not a poem. A poem has meaning for the reader. It engages them. And, a poem gives the reader a reason to care. You never even identify the who or the why. So in the end, someone unknown is pissed at someone not identified, for reasons known only to the author.

You might want to look into the techniques of poetry. Poets find them useful.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


JayG

2 Weeks Ago

Damn... the score is 1 to 0, already.
Diamond

2 Weeks Ago

Seriously, you are so good at making a fool of yourself!
Diamond

2 Weeks Ago

I will let you continue with that

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2 Reviews
Added on August 1, 2021
Last Updated on August 1, 2021

Author

Diamond
Diamond

WI



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