WANTING MORE.

A young woman in a locked ward recovering from a mental breakdown after being jilted at the altar in 1971.

Even in her sleep
in the locked ward
Yiska dreamed
of being left

at the altar
she in her white
wedding dress and veil
hands knotted

in anxiety
mind beginning
to panic
she woke

to the breathing
of others
the dawn light
just entering through

the sides of the shutters
a lone nurse
wandered the ward
one cried in her sleep

another talked in mutterings
Yiska lay on her back
stared at the ceiling
there had been talk

of more ECTs
what Naaman called
brain killing
how she hated that

hated that room
that bed
that smell
the rubber thing

they put in her mouth
the injection
that sucked
consciousness from her

and the headaches after
coming round
as if (as Naaman said)
they had punched one's brain

into submission
she sat up
the nurse had gone
she looked around the ward

she wondered
if Naaman was awake yet
wondered if he had
any new attempts

of suicide in mind
she sat on the edge
of the bed
swung her legs

back and forth
had her intended husband
turned up
she would have been

on honeymoon
and have had sex
and have begun
a new life

instead she sat there
on the bed
swinging her legs
unmarried

no honeymoon
no sex
she got out of bed
and walked to the bathroom

and shut the door
holding a hand
against the door
(no locks permitted)

in case another
tried to get in
and urinated
the morning was cold

she felt it
on the cold floor
in the air
another empty day

to get through
(what Naaman called
the crazy maze of being)
more talks

with the doctor
and psychiatrist
more pleading
for release

more days locked
in the ward
getting bored
and depressed

she left the bathroom
and went
into the shared lounge
and sat on one

of the sofas
in the half light
and lit a cigarette
from the battered packet

with the plastic lighter
sat back and stared
at the painting on the wall
some country scene

hills fields trees cows
and a rural couple
kissing in one corner
she wished Naaman was there

as he had been one morning
and they sat
and talked
and kissed

and then the nurse entered
and they parted
and sat
the feel of lips

and touch
still there
and that aching for more
in the air.