Yiska wants to take Benny home with her after school and whisk him
past her mother and up to her room but she knows her mother would watch
her like a hawk especially if she had Benny in tow and would ask her all
sorts of questions and where do you think you are going with him? but
she can dream about it dream she has brought him home and as she passes
her mother in the kitchen her mother in one of her dark moods preparing
dinner she climbs the stairs slowly imagining Benny is behind her
walking up the stairs probably watching her legs or her a*s his eyes
glued but she doesn't know so she imagines he is and when she gets to
the top of the stairs she pauses on the landing and looks down the
stairs and waits listening to the radio her mother has just turned on
some classical stuff she pauses there pretending Benny has stopped her
and has put his arms around her waist and has laid his hands on her a*s
and she believes she can feel it his hands his fingers moving but it's
in the head in her imagination but no harm in pretending so she lingers
there for a short duration looking along the landing wrapping her own
arms about herself kissing her shoulder don't forget to change out of
your school uniform her mother calls out from below stairs I won't she
calls back hugging herself extra tight patting her own a*s with a hand
as she hoped he would do if he were there and they were standing where
she is now and put your dirty blouse in the linen basket her mother
calls up ok she calls back unhugging herself walking along the landing
walking past her parent's room tempted to peek in wondering if she
should just a quick glimpse she stops outside her parent's room and
opens the door quietly and peers inside imagining she has Benny beside
her and she's showing him inside at the big double bed the tallboy the
dressing table where her mother has all her make up and perfumes and
drugs for her depression and hairbrushes and the mirror facing her and
she says to herself-and the imagined Benny- nice bed what you reckon?
make a good bed to do it in? the room smells of perfume of all kinds and
a scent of bodies and staleness she is tempted to go lay on the bed and
feel it beneath her and makes out they are doing things him beside her
touching her and she kisses him and he putting his hand along her thigh
and make sure you fold up your school skirt and jumper I don't want it
just thrown anywhere her mother calls up to her from downstairs she
closes the door to her parent's room and says loudly down the stairs I
will fold them up and walks to her own room taking Benny’s imagined hand
in hers and enters her own room and closes the door behind her and
looks around the room as if through his eyes her mother has been in here
and tidied up put things away picked up stuff from the floor taken away
the tea plate she'd left there the night before and the soiled linen
she'd let drop by the bed she stands there and sighs a window is open to
let in air-breath of fresh air her mother calls it-the curtains flap in
the breeze sounds from neighbours in their gardens kids from down the
street she goes to the window and closes it and looks out at the
surrounding area making out Benny’s still behind her his arms around her
waist his lips kissing her neck she closes the curtains and stares
around the room focusing on her single bed with its pink flowery cover
her mother bought her Teddy Bear now ageing by her pillow not that big
she says over her shoulder to the pretend Benny but we could still do it
if we're careful she whispers to herself she sits on the bed and stares
at her Teddy some nights he is Benny and she hugs him and kisses him
and has him next to her as she settles down but Teddy's a lousy lover he
does nothing and says nothing she sits the make believe Benny next to
her on the bed imagines his hand is tapping the bed be ok Benny says
using her voice she stands up and begins to take off her school jumper
unbuttoning the green buttons and pulling off and dropping it on the bed
then unties the green patterned tie and takes it off and tosses it over
her shoulder she sighs closes her eyes you unbutton the blouse she
tells the make believe Benny and her fingers unbutton the blouse one by
one slowly and once it is unbuttoned she lets his fingers-hers really-
take it off of her body and drop it onto the floor what do you think?
she asks him shall l take off the skirt or you? her fingers unzip the
zip and pulls it down and once loose the skirt falls to the floor and
she kicks it across the room and stands there eyes closed pretending he
is studying her in her small bra and panties she waits for his words his
comments what are you doing there? and why are the clothes scattered
all over the place her mother says from the open door Yiska opens her
eyes and stares at her mother standing sullen faced by her bedroom door
day dreaming Yiska says about what? her mother asks picking up the
school skirt from the floor and folding it neatly and gazing at her
daughter stern eyed just day dreaming Yiska says watching her mother
putting the clothes in a pile and picking the dirty blouse from the
floor and holding the soiled linen in her hands this room was tidy why
untidy it? her mother says sorry wasn't thinking Yiska says glad her
mother couldn't read her thoughts or see the imagined Benny kissing her
neck and whose right hand was fondling her right tit because if she
could she'd have a fit.