24 and There's so Much More

The first writing of my 24th year

I’ve spent the first hour of my 24th trip around the sun thinking about death because I believe I am too tired to travel and I’m not a good planner 

I’ve spent it thinking about all I have not accomplished and all I thought I would 

Clacking the keys of my phone finding out why hopelessness rests heavy in all my movements 

Trying to figure out how to shake this feeling 

Brush it off 

This too shall pass 

But nothings passing 

Or going

Or moving 

In fact everything’s standing still 

Stagnant in my own misery 

Too heavy to push out of my own way

Too tired to step aside 

Let life come through 

I fear I’ll never know what it means to live

Just what it is to be alive 

Starring into the mirror 

That has held my reflection since I was 11 

Acne 

Tired eyes 

Brittle hair 

Feeling broken and bruised 

Torn up and used 

Dreading the hours of the night 

The yearly push into nothingness 

The regrets of tomorrow 

The pain of yesterday 

The disbelief of the now 

I’m so tired 

And I mean that 

I’m so tired all the time 

I’m never here 

An alien in my own skin 

A foreigner to the now 

Moving and mocking and murdering the Me’s that have walked in my reflection 

Unrecognizable 

But only to myself 

No one has called

No one has written me 

Though I am the first to wish one well on their travels around the burning ball in the sky 

I must embark on this journey alone 

Not to my own contempt 

In fact I’m quite lonesome

But everyone who has seen me off has seen me off 

And I forget to be on sometimes 

On time 

On point 

On my way 

All over the place 

Sometimes I forget to move the way I want them to see me 

Forget to speak the way I’d like to be heard 

Lost in my inability to express an identity I’ve spent years building and breaking and bending 

All collapsing in on itself when my mind can’t catch up to the moment 

You have no idea who I am 

Not a single clue 

You don’t know what I am like in the lay of my cotton sheets 

Who I may be in the dew of the morning 

You only know who I allow you to see

And I must tell you 

She is a stranger to me as well

I don’t have the desire to get to know her 

She seems quite exhausting 

Always on 

On 

On 

On 

No switch 

Throw my circuit against the grain 

Let it crash down hard and fast 

Send me spinning into a frenzy 

Malfunctioning 

On display 

Does the red connect to red 

Or is it red to black

Is it negative to negative 

Or do I have to find a positive somewhere in there 

I have no idea who I am 

And not in the romantic way of a chameleonic life 

But in the sad way of a girl who is now a woman 

Trying to keep up with the simple tasks of life 

Brushing her teeth 

Washing her hair 

All seem so heavy 

So hard 

But at 24 it’s time to be clean 

Clean of everything that’s made me feel so dirty 

No more sadness 

No more pity 

No more memories 

No more aches 

Just a woman on the brink of extinction

Being hunted by her ego 

Through all hours of the night 

Exhausted 

Tired of running 

So shoot me down 

Watch me fall 

Crawl

And sink 

Into the quick sand of fast paced decisions 

Being sucked into societal standards 

Being spat back out 

Leaving a bad taste in your mouth 

It’s not my place to express myself 

To tell you who I am 

And what it is I may want 

That’s for you to decide 

And I’ll let the twisted ways of the world 

Push me back into that box 

Broken bones 

And burning flesh 

But at least I know I’m

Safe here

In this glass house 

I’ve rented 

Don’t break my ceiling 

I’m not ready to be on top

Author's Note

I wrote this in one go - quickly on my birthday, haven't read it over since

Reviews

[Tony Dincau]

Well, I have to brush up on my poem reading, but you kept my attention enough for me to finish it. It felt deep and that's what struck me. In a sad but moving way, I liked it.

[The Things She Noted]

Haha it’s quite a long piece so I appreciate you sticking it out, thanks for your kind words :)

[Tony Dincau]

Oh, and happy very late birthday! ;)

[The Things She Noted]

Haha thank you! :)