Heavy Heaving

I wrote this after my dear uncle had passed, whom I will miss forever - holding him close.

Since you’ve left I’ve carried the air differently 

It sits stagnant in my lungs 

Heavy and heated 

Sometimes it feels hard to hold 

So I push it all out from the depths of my belly 

I push so hard 

I feel like I’m losing my breath 

Like it’s trying to escape me 

Tired of being held in a careless body 

Or should I say a careless mind 

That’s withered down the health of myself 

And the vessel I’ve chosen to live in 

And when I’m not pushing out in 

Anger 

Or angst 

I’m breathing in so hard it makes me dizzy 

A sudden rush of oxygen 

Straight to the head 

A sort of high that’s not habit forming 

Though I do like the moments where I’m too dizzy to remember what it is I’m sad about 

Oh ya 

It’s you 

And then I push you out of my body 

Out of my lungs 

Because your memories are too heavy to hold

But then I get scared and  

I suck you back in 

Fast and frantic 

Because I like the weight you give me 

And though it may be weighted sadness 

That could sink me in the river at dawn 

I feel it’s better to have the memory of you 

Safe within me 

Who knows who else may try to breathe you in 

Oxygen deprived lunatics 

You wouldn’t be safe in their lungs 

But you’re safe in mine 

I think the hardest part of mindful breathing 

Remembering to take you in for four seconds 

Hold you for five

And breath you out for six 

Ten more times 

Is that you are not here next to me 

Sharing the crisp of our morning air 

That you are not breathing at all 

And I sit sadly in the thought of your last inhale 

What did you take in

Your last exhale 

I hope you breathed out the bad and the sad and the anger 

I wonder if you carry your air differently now 

Or if the air is carrying you 

The way that I am 

It’s not that you’re too dense to breath in 

Or too toxic to choke out 

It’s simply that when my mouth is agape on the chill of a November’s day 

My mind far away 

That I will suck in the sadness that is the loss of you 

And It feels as though 

I won’t be able to breathe it back out 

Ever again 

Because it sits so heavy in my throat 

In my lungs 

Around my heart 

So yes I’ve been carrying the air differently 

Waiting for it to get lighter

Easier 

Without the compromise of letting you go 

Back to the elements 

Because I need you here still 

But I can’t take the sadness 

I like to think that when the spring comes 

And the fresh of new rain falls 

Bringing new life into the air  

That I will be able to breathe out the pain 

And Inhale softly 

keeping you safe in my memories 

Where you belong

Reviews

[tranquilspace]

TRULY, LOOSING SOMEONE ISN'T EASY AND THE MEMORIES THAT ARE LEFT CAN SOMETIMES GET TOO HEAVY WHEN THE WOUNDS ARE FRESH, YOU SURE DID POINT THIS OUT. WELL DONE, THE PIECE HIT HOME REAL HARD, THANKS FOR SHARING THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE.

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful and worthwhile thoughts shared.
"Because I need you here still
But I can’t take the sadness
I like to think that when the spring comes
And the fresh of new rain falls
Bringing new life into the air
That I will be able to breathe out the pain
And Inhale softly
keeping you safe in my memories
Where you belong"
I loved the above lines. You allowed the reader to grasp the words. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Unspoken poet]

A lot of emotions flowing this write, wonderfully written and expressed well

[The Things She Noted]

Thank you so much! :)

[Green]

Wow... I feel so many things right now and I'm not even sure I can accurately express any of them. This was heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time. I like the way you used 'carrying the air differently' and explained it throughout the poem.
I hope you find the peace you are seeking, if not now, then one day; I can tell that you loved your uncle very much.

[The Things She Noted]

Thank you so much for your kind words and sentiments, they are greatly appreciated! :)