The Spirits of Distrust

Within the illuminated crystal eyes
A thousand spirits play games of demise
Darkness falls across the lively hills
Spirits peeking through my window sills

They whisper so silently, we all become deaf
Our ears can’t handle how loud the end is
And when the spirits make us go blind
We search around helplessly and look for a sign

A sign of remorse, a sign of hope
A symbol of anything that spirits can’t cope
The useless truth or a beautiful lie
Sounds to our ear and sights to our eye

Time falls from its place
Ringing as it falls and breaks
Erupting through the deafening silence
Gently softening our horrid defiance

It’s alright now, sweet child
By morning the fire grows wild
And the light of immortal truth
Shall once again save me and you

Within the sparkling flame of eyes
A thousand spirits spit out their sighs
As the fires burn down the lively hills
Only a sky peeks through my window sills

Author's Note

What do you think? Any suggestions or comments?

Reviews

[Peach]

I like the way you used some words to depict distrust.

[iNSOMniAC]

Why thank you.

[Matthew James Ginn]

The supernatural tone of definitive humanism of the universe. I love how you suggest we can understand things we have no control over. Even then we can have power internally.

[iNSOMniAC]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it (or some portion of it, at least).

[Matthew James Ginn]

It was awesome lol

[Wolfwind Words]

I love the imagery that you've woven with your words. The feeling of etherial chimes or bells tolling is what runs through the spine as I read it. I don't really have any suggestions for content or visual descriptions, but I'll through out a couple of techinical ideas. Pieces I would remove are in ( ), pieces I would re-write or add in are in [ ] brackets.

Within the illuminated crystal eyes
A thousand spirits play games of demise
(And as) darkness falls across the lively hills
(The) spirits peek[ing] through my window sills

They whisper so silently[,] (that) we all become deaf
Our ears can’t handle how loud the end is
(So)[And] when the spirits make us go blind
We search around helplessly and look for a sign

A sign of remorse, a sign of hope
A symbol of anything that spirits can’t cope
The useless truth or a beautiful lie
(To give us) sounds to our ear and sights to our eye

Time falls from its place
(And) ring(s)[ing] as it falls and breaks
Erupting through the deafening silence
(And) gently softening our [ADD A DESCRIPTIVE WORD HERE] deniance

It’s alright now, sweet child
By morning the fire grows wild
And the light of immortal truth
Shall once again save me and you

Within the sparkling flame of eyes
A thousand spirits spit out their sighs
(And) as the fire[s] burn(s) down the lively hills
Only a sky peeks through my window sills


Those are some minor modifications that I would look at. The other thing that you might want to think about is the beat count. Since you've got rhyming stanzas and non-rhyming stanzas, it might flow a bit better if both types still had the same tempo, even though not all have the rhyme in them.

Overall, I really enjoyed your poem! Keep it up!
Wolfwind

[iNSOMniAC]

Thanks! :)

[Dillon M. M.]

Very well writ and also very articulate. Keep it up!

[iNSOMniAC]

Thank you!