Fiction of Love

Terms are only one small part of the true definition of a relationship.

“Fiction- Something invented by the imagination; something made up or not true.”

           

That’s what our relationship was, something made up. It was made up. It wasn’t real. It was a very dark fairy tale. I don’t think it ever really existed to begin with.

It’s a wrong relationship we know. Only I and he are the ones to know. If anyone found out I would be labeled a traitor for……falling in love with a traitor. It’s a relationship of lies and lust. Lust for him and love for me. But lies between.

You know that saying “you reap what you sow”….well that’s basically what my life is living on. Since I fell in love with a murder I can’t love anyone else. Or let me use different words: I won’t. My heart won’t let me.

I have to deal with the pain I guess. The pains of not letting anybody know of my pain. The source of my pain. The pain of not being able to let go of my pain. I guess love is pain but, what does pain equal to?

Pains equals: Him

He is pain and joy. He brings me pain when I look into his eyes and see no emotion when I sneak kisses from him in the silent night. Pain when he doesn’t seem to know I love him. Pain every time I run after him. He brings joy when he touches me faintly against the whole of my body. Joy when he lets his guard down for just a second to let me look deeper into those dark eyes of his. When he kisses me with all the lust in the world.

 

Lust but not love.

It’s a fairytale or rather my love is.This relationship is.

When will it ever become reality for me? When will he look at me with something beside nothing at all? When will he finally start showing love and compassion for me? How long must I endure this? What will it take to at least have him look at me just a little bit different?

Why me? Is that not enough to ask?

The answer is quite simple: I’m stupid.  Stupid for falling in love with a murder let alone a traitor of my own village. Stupid for making myself run silly just thinking about him. Stupid for almost killing myself by taking solo walks through the forest I know my body can’t handle for the sake of MAYBE running into him. For so long I tried to be smart for my myself but ended up being dumb for him.

This is the sacrifice I made the night I laid down on the ground with him up under all those twinkling stars. This is why I suffer the pain of not being able to claim something or someone for the world to know. The angst I face for not having something real but actually fake. This is all my wrong-doing. So I will just have to deal with it. Maybe even die with it.

“Truth- the actual sate of matter: an obvious or accepted fact.”

 

That what my love is for that girl, the truth. But she doesn’t think so and I’m not going to tell her. Well more like I can’t. My pride won’t let me. I try to tell her through my kisses and the way my hands move around her body but my eyes don’t reflect what I want them to. I’m not ready to show her all of me but at the same time I am. I haven’t felt love or compassion for anyone ever since I murdered my clan. So it’s hard for me to express what I want to.

I wish she can understand that what I feel for her is more than lust. I see the way she looks at me with sadness and angst. She just doesn’t know but, I wish she did. I wish I could hold her and tell her all my dark secrets, just let her in on my whole world. Let her know I’m not trying to hold nothing back from her and she can trust me with trying to love her.

I found out something for once in my whole life: I’m scared.

Scared of losing her by not telling her three little words. Scared that she also might find out the real me and be scared or worst hate me. I wouldn’t be able to live with it if she decided on either one. I just couldn’t. But what can I do? I’m scared of losing her and I’m scared of letting the real me show. How can I win without losing?

That’s truth for you. You get fucked up if you tell it and you get fucked up if you don’t. It’s a no win situation for me. Funny isn’t it though that I love her deeply would do anything for her but can’t show her that I do. Whoever said love was easy damn lied. I should just die now for being weak and not telling her how I feel.

 

“Hope- the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.”

 

Both P.O.V

 

Hope that’s what our relationship is based on along with truth and fiction. We hope for love, understanding, openness, forgiveness and a lot else. But above all we lean on hope the most. Hope that love will become clear for both of us. Hope that everything will stay the way it is or turn for the better. Hope is what we live and breathe on. Hope for each other to stand up and clear their throats to say what’s right.

All we can do is wish for life full of what were scared to show or say become a thing of the past. In the end though we can’t blame each other for our foolishness but move fourth with it. We will not look back. We will stay focus on what’s important to the both of us. Our relationship. With all the fiction, truth, and hope combined.

 

“Love- a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.”