An angry letter

Catwoman writes a letter to the editor about journalism bias.

To the editors of the Gotham Gazette,

 

I have been reading your paper for a while and am offended by the obvious slant that your stories have.  I am writing this letter to clear things up a bit.  Regarding your so called "hero" Batman, I never really understood how he got so popular.  He's a man in a black suit.  He doesn't even really look like a bat.  And hello?  Bats fly.  With the exception of the "Bat Chopper" or whatever the hell he calls it, that man ain't flying.  And why a bat?  Doesn't really sound like the kind of thing a "good guy" would wear.  Bats are nocturnal, they're kinda spooky, and they carry rabies.  Yeah, I'm gonna get behind that.

 

At least the rest of us make some damn sense.  Catwoman = Cat Burglar.  Joker = Practical Joker.  Riddler = Riddler.  Batman?  Weird guy with no bat-like qualities who has an affinity for alliteration. (we'll just leave the Penguin out of it because frankly he never made a lick of sense, he waddles, and his voice drove the rest of the United Underworld-for lack of a better term-batty). 

 

And by the way, we ALL know he's Bruce Wayne.  How the hell could we not?  I mean, Gotham isn't that big.  There's one strange man dressing in costume fighting crime with a veritable aresenal within reach.  Batmobile, Bat Boat, Bat Grenades, Bat Tank, Bat Sub Machine Gun.  I mean seriously, the majority of this town is slums and alleys.  Who could afford all that?  I doubt it's Stovepipe Jack, the happy hobo who lives in Alley 938.  No, I'm betting it's Bruce Wayne, millionaire playboy. 

 

And to test that theory all we had to do was follow him home one night.  Stately Wayne Manor is the only thing remotely near the Secret Entrance To The Batcave.  Plus, one day we saw Alfred filling up the Batmobile at the local Chevron.  It wasn't hard to put 2 and 2 together.

 

Seriously, how is he a freaking hero?  He destroys as much of Gotham City as all of us combined.  I think old Bruce should be handed a nice bill.  I mean, since we unionized we've kept destruction to a minimum.  We don't interfere with each other's fiendish plots.  We have our own specialties.  We concentrate on small details.  We haven't tried to blow up the town, kill Batman, or steal the world's [insert superlative here] whatever in ages. 

 

But if Batman sees any one of us, he goes completely insane.  Chasing all over, running over every hydrant, destroying bridges, scaring old ladies, leaving Gotham in shambles all because he saw me shopping for laundry detergent at the local Safeway.  He yelled something about stopping  the "pussycat's plot to purloin powder."  I HAD MY DEBIT CARD IN MY HAND!  Look, I'd steal the Queen of Londinium's crown jewels if given half the chance but I got better things to do than shoplift a box of Tide.  Give me some credit.

 

He also tore up half of a Hallmark shop just because he saw the Riddler writing in a greeting card.  And of course Mr. Selfish thought it was some clue just for him regarding the destruction of Gotham or the world or something when in ACTUALITY it was a birthday card for The Riddler's Uncle Stu who had just turned 85.

 

Do you know how many trick-or-treat houses were damaged on Halloween because Batman kept thinking he saw The Scarecrow?

 

And I won't even go into the Joker's balloon incident at Party City.

 

Needless to say, he's got some bats in the belfry.  He's obviously a power-hungry, egocentric lunatic.  If he were an actual cop, internal affairs would be investigating him and by now the chief would ask for his badge and gun in a dramatic scene.  But instead they just write it off as protecting Gotham from "supervillains" and someone gets thrown in Arkham because they dared run a few errands in Bat Town.  That is exactly why we unionized. 

 

So in conclusion, Batman's press releases are flawed at best.  Perhaps next time you could contact our attorney Harvey Dent for our side of the story before you report errors, omissions, and the obvious ravings of a madman.  Batman costs the city more than he helps it.  Maybe your reporters should get on this story.  Maybe Batman should do a spell in Arkham and sort out some of his issues.  Maybe some bills should be sent to Wayne Enterprises instead of charging the city for Batman's messes.  And just maybe there might be some peace in this town, provided the police department stops using the bat signal to let Batman know that Louie the Lilac has been spotted at the perfume counter at Macy's.  Thank you for your time.

 

Sincerely,

Selina "Catwoman" Kyle

United Underworld

Local 159

 

Reviews

[BamaThorn]

I thought this was absolutely hilarious!

[Kincaid Kjeedo]

Batman is never the kind of hero that grew on me. I just saw "Batman Begins", and after reading this story, I can agree with just about everything mentioned here. Definitely the most clever attempt at making fun of the Serious Dark Knight.

[T. L. O'Neal]

This was a real hoot Tina. It was so funny, but when you think about the movies and all, it's true, so even funnier. T

[Dapharoah69 The King Of..]

This is enlightening