JESSE

A chapter in the life of a 15 year old boy who cuts himself.

    “Why do you do it?” Dr. Wilson asked Jesse again.

    Jesse wouldn’t look at the psychiatrist. He was sick of being asked that question. Stupid doctors, he thought as he looked down at his thin arms. There were several deep cuts on one of his arms, now scabbed over, cut marks he put there himself with a razor blade.

    Dr. Wilson watched Jesse, waiting for an answer.

    Jesse swallowed, hating the doctor, hating his parents for making him come. “I don’t know why I do it. I just get a feeling, a need.”

    “What kind of feeling?”

    Jesse wanted to pick at the scabs, pull them off without breaking them but resisted the impulse. “I feel numb, like I’m not real. Actually I don’t even know if I really feel numb. I think I just feel nothing.”

    “So then you cut?”

    “Yes. That’s right. I cut then I feel such relief like I can breathe again. Like I’m real. Like I can endure life again for a while.”

     “What we need to do then Jesse is find some other way for you to feel alive.” Dr. Wilson said. “I think medication is in order. Anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and I think tranquilizers as well.”

    Jesse felt a sense of rage flood him! Typical, use drugs! It’s every doctor’s choice! It’s easier for them. “No.” he said. “I don’t want to be drugged up.”

    “It will help.”

    “The feeling of nothing would be worse and I’d just be sleepy all the time. I’d have no interest in anything drugged up. I know this for a fact. I have friends who’d been drugged up.” Jesse wanted to jump up and punch Dr. Wilson in his stupid fat face.

    “If you don’t want to cooperate with me Jesse in your treatment I’ll have to bring your parents in. You’re only 15, a minor.”

    “Are you threatening me?” Jesse made fists and sat up rigid in his chair. If Dr. Wilson wants a fight, he’s got one, he thought.

     “I only want what’s best for you. Your parents do too. They were correct in bringing you here. You need treatment and I’m in charge of that. You injuring yourself isn’t normal, it’s a desperate cry for help.”

    Jesse suddenly felt the need to cut himself. It was like his arms were screaming for it, needing it. I need to get out of here, now! I can’t stand being in the same room with Dr. Frankenstein any longer!

    “I can see you’re getting angry Jesse. What’s this all about?”

    “You’re threatening me, you freak! Wanting to drug me up so I’ll never ever feel anything. How’s that going to help? I’d rather be free, not a legal druggie!” Jesse stood as he said this.

    “Sit down Jesse. Let’s work through this.”

    “I don’t think so Dr. Frankenstein.” Jesse headed for the door, pulling his cell phone from his jean pocket and started texting his friends.

    Dr. Wilson didn’t get up from his seat but watched the teenager. “I’ll be reporting this to your parents.”

    “Go ahead.” Jesse said as he opened the office door and walked into the waiting room then out into the hall of the large office building where Dr. Wilson’s office was located. “B*****d.” He muttered.

    Jesse felt the overwhelming need to cut. It was powerful, so overwhelming he had to do it, now, not later. He walked past the elevators and went into the men’s bathroom. There were a bunch of urinals and two stalls in the bathroom. The bathroom was empty which he was grateful for.

    He went into one of the stalls and locked the door. He leaned against the door for a minute taking deep breaths. He pulled out a small leather zipped pouch from his back pocket and opened it. Inside wrapped in a small piece of cloth was his razor blade. Also inside the pouch were several alcohol wipes in little packets and several Band-Aids.

    Jesse sat on the toilet and rested his left arm on his lap. In his right hand he held the razor blade. After only a light hesitation he put the razor blade to his arm and pressed deeply, dragging the razor blade backwards. He watched as the blade bit into his skin, cutting it and watched the blood bead then fill the cut and flow from it. Feeling a sense of relief he cut again. Two cuts weren’t enough so Jesse cut his arm five times before he felt he’d done it enough. Using toilet paper he kept the blood from dripping onto his clothes.

    The crimson rivulets looked kind of pretty as they ran across his arm and over the side of it to drip down onto the wads of toilet paper. Jesse felt like he could breathe again, the horror of Dr. Wilson fading fast. He felt his body relax. His friends would be waiting for him outside the office building in the parking lot and Jesse felt he could face them now.

    Using the toilet paper he cleaned up the blood then used an alcohol wipe to clean the cuts. After that he used more toilet paper to dab the moisture from the cuts but they still slowly oozed blood. No matter, he thought, he used the Band-Aids to cover the cuts anyway.

    He folded the cloth around his razor blade and put it back into his leather pouch. He took a deep breath, smiling slightly at how much better he felt. So relaxed and in a really good mood. He stood up from the toilet and stuffed his leather pouch back into his back pocket and tossed the blood soiled toilet paper into the toilet and flushed it. Before he left the stall he stuffed one of his front pockets with toilet paper just in case the cuts oozed from beneath their Band-Aid coverings. Once all that was done he left the stall to wash his hands.

    After drying them Jesse checked his cell phone. There were a couple messages from Daniel telling him he was out in the parking lot waiting for him with Frank. There was also a message from Kelli. She wanted Jesse to call him back as soon as possible. Kelli was sort of his girlfriend.

    Grinning now he called Kelli back as he headed for the elevators. He waited for her to answer on the ride down to the first floor. As he strode out of the main doors of the office building he spotted Daniel’s blue Mustang right away. Daniel honked and waved. Frank waved at him and made hurry up signals to him. Jesse waved back, waiting for Kelli to answer her phone. Dr. Evil was behind him now and Jesse wasn’t too concerned about him calling his parents.

    “Jesse!” Kelli’s voice was suddenly in his ear.

    “Hey Kelli!” Jesse said cheerfully as he reached Daniel’s car.

    “Hey Jesse.” greeted both Daniel and Frank at the same time. Frank was sitting in the front seat next to Daniel.

    Jesse got into the back seat. “Hey you guys. Thanks for coming to get me. How’s it going Kelli?” Jesse said having two conversations at once.

    “Done with Dr. Frankenstein?” Frank asked.

    “Yeah, hopefully forever.” Jesse said.

    “Good luck on that.” Daniel said starting his car and pulling out of the parking lot. “Let’s go have some fun. After an attempted head shrinking you need it.”

    “Okay. Where are we going?” Jesse asked.

    “My place. My parents aren’t home right now.” said Frank.

    “Kelli, meet me at Frank’s okay? See you there.” He closed his phone. “Let’s go!” He was really in a good mood and wanted to enjoy himself. The dark feelings and Dr. Wilson were so far away right now it was as if they didn’t exist anymore.

 

Reviews

[Eric Cox]

What an a*****e doctor (it's very funny and cool calling him Dr. Frankenstein.) trying to drug up Jesse and ruin his life totally, he's very smart refusing the heavy doses of medicine the doctor would give him, they would numb him and create horrible side effects. St. John's Wart might reduce his depression in time along with therapy from an understanding doctor. I feel sorry for Jesse. It's cool he's got good friends, people like Jesse need people who care around them, and hopefully they can escape doctors like Dr. Frankenstein. A very good write making the reader feel for the character.

[Pax Analog]

Preferring to cut oneself than be medicated is a powerful symbol for vital feelings in a numbed-down, dumbed-down status quo.

One hopes Jesse finds another way to cut through the bs.

Strong piece.

[R E Tree]

This is a interesting story not what I expected from the title. But it was still interesting. When I first started reading it I could tell already Jesse had a stubborn attitude and it would take a while for the doctor to make him swallow anti-depressants. I do think Jesse needs help not just physically but mentally as well. The description of him cutting himself in the tiolet I found that quite disturbing so I am glad you didn't go too deep into it or it wouldn't have made me feel very well. As I can't really stand the sight of blood.

[R J Askew]

I thought about WW1 when I read this and saw that as a sort of collective cutting event. Perhaps we have some odd need in us to hurt and kill because some part of us can't stand the monstous nature of life. Sometimes we hurt others and if we can't hurt others we hurt ourselves. Is it about power? By cutting the teen exerts a power over all those who don't want him to do so. Do powerful people cut? Life is the ultimate bully so maybe by cutting we are smacking life in the eye, too.
Your dialogue and story telling works well here, as usual, it all hangs together well, the situation and the wording of it. There are no wasted words and at no point did I feel it was in any way unnatural. And we cld see the blood beading from your description.

[Coyote Poetry]

You create a very interesting story. The desire to cut overtake create a peace. You make it make sense almost. I like the conversation with the Doctor. I believe drugs don't do much either. You create a dark story. Ending feel was different. He felt peace with his friends. A very good story.
Coyote

[Sean M. Addams]

very deep..like the detail and storyline alot in this like the doctors name too.. overall a very well written sad story..nice job

[Ladysue]

I love how you called him Dr. Frankenstein...very clever. This is such a sad story, but I think one of your best written. nicely done...

[Black Cat Fever]

I feel for this young man dealing with this sort of problem. His Doctor doesn't seem very helpful. Jesse needs a Doctor he can relate to and work with, not battle. Very emotional story that reads true to life.

[Star Wolf]

Wow! Awesome! I felt real bad for Jesse, to have to hurt himself just to feel alive and happy. That Dr. Frankenstein would only make things worse for Jesse with all his emotional and mind numbing pills. I want more of Jesse's story! What happens to him, does he get over his cutting and find new ways to handle his emotions...!!!