shadow man

shadow man

A Poem by CrashDavis47

He who stays cloaked within the shadows,

Always hidden until his help matters.

So much more than a shoulder to cry on,

The one whos there when you've no other to rely on.

Thanks to his deeds he'll not be forgotten.

For he is the rock that holds you through the storm,

The fire in the night that keeps you warm.

When your life seems broken and shattered,

When everything's seemingly shred and tattered.

When you move toward your personal gallows,

Call on he who's cloaked within shadows.

© 2010 CrashDavis47


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amazing! i like this one a lot!

Posted 8 Years Ago


You have good ideas and have a vocabulary to express them well. You nee to consider readability. The black mass of text is intimidating.
This piece need more information in it. You leave the readers feeling like something is missing.

Posted 8 Years Ago


i like it :) the only thing that i think that could be fixed is the length of it, and the stanzas. make it longer with more stanzas and it will be both easier to read, and we get a little more information and time on the subject

great piece
-Marissa(:

Posted 8 Years Ago


Great...like this the best so far...one suggestion though...cut the fluff out. This can be sharp if you cut out all the extra words...it would improve the beat and meter of this piece...example:
"He who stays cloaked within the shadows," - Remove With and The, then read aloud
"Always hidden until his help matters."-Remove His, then read aloud
"So much more than a shoulder to cry on,"-Remove So & Much, repeat step

get the point... also check spelling...it matters.

Just suggestions...honest feedback and such. Keep up the good work.
BTW, fav lines are the last two...still need trimming though.
"When moving to your personal gallows, - (active verbs are punchier)
Call on he who's cloaked in shadows" .....again just suggestions.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Very, very good. Your pieces never disappoint

Posted 8 Years Ago


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With this piece, I really enjoyed the overall image that came to exist. When it comes to punctuation in poetry. Either have none, or have it all. In poetry it's far better in my opinion to simply get the words down. Worry about gramatical issues later.

Great Write!


Posted 8 Years Ago


Dude you need to add punctuation and proper spelling. you can edit your work and BTW I subscribed to your writing so everytime you submit something I will be made aware via this website.

"He who stays cloaked within the shadows,
Always hidden until his help mattered.
So much more than a shoulder to cry on.
The one who's there when you've no other to rely on..."

"Thanks to his deeds he'll not be forgotten,
For he is the rock that holds you through the storm,
The fire in the night that keeps you warm.
When your life seems broken and shattered.
When everything's seemingly shred and tattered.
When you move toward your self-built gallow:
Call on he who's cloaked within shadows..."
-By Cousin the Pirate Yoho

That's how I would have done it. Of course I plaguerized so these are just my edits. I'll give you credit. HAHA

Posted 9 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on October 6, 2010
Last Updated on October 13, 2010

Author

CrashDavis47
CrashDavis47

denver, CO



About
Im an aspiring author, what i want to do in life is write novels. Im trying to take a serious go at this so please comment and critique my writing. anything to help me be a better writer is welcome more..

Writing