The Jeweler

A short poem about how people change themselves to please the ones they love

When first to me my love was known
I turned an inward look. 
My many flaws to me were shown, 
Read like an open book.

And so I struck my flaws from me,
A jeweler at his work,
So that, for you, a prize I’d be,
A diamond shaped from murk.

Though many diamonds may you find
Their facets carved the same,
My facets carved with love, their kind
Cause others to look lame.

For all of this, my jewel might lack,
Nonplussed, you’ll turn your back.
And all love’s work will come to naught,
Rejection’s proof now wrought.

Reviews

[Richard🖌]

Certainly, Michael,
'Tis a well-rendered work of poetry in the Ballad form, My Friend, which I very much enjoyed and easily understood the essence of its meaning(s).
The air of humility throughout was spoken with an almost cockiness that seemed to lead to its main character's downfall and/or rejection. The awkwardness in V1 is endearing, as is V2 equally as humble and willing to set things straight in deference to being deserving. In V3 the cockiness stepped-in, and V4, alas, it was all for naught … seems I've "been there, done that" … LOL!
I found the flow and tempo to be very pleasing when read aloud; though, some of the word arrangements (yet, poetic) seemed awkward to my teacher's ear, resulting in a wee bit of stumble. One example is L5, which I'll illustrate for the benefit of checking other possible lines, as-well:
"Therefore, I struck these flaws from me," … consider not using and repeating too many "me", "my", "I" words, as when a poem feels too self-directed it often produces the effect of subconscious non-appeal.
Grammatically, a beginning line should never start with "And", and unnecessarily beginning every line with a capital can confuse the reader's understanding of where one line, thought, meaning, idea, etc; starts and ends.
Your final verse lost the rhyme scheme of a,b,a,b, changing to a,a,b,b, but that can be easily addressed by switching L14 with L15 and/or a slight count adjustment would do it.
I think you can make this one into a virtual masterpiece, if you've the mind to. : )
I totally love your title, as it is inventive, unexpected, and befits the poem to a tee, and the composition overall is simply put, expressing your fine poetical potential beautifully!

Thank you sincerely, My New Friend, for the pleasure of reading and reviewing for you! ⁓ Richard

[TricksyCoy]

Oh man, since you mentioned those "self-directed" parts, I counted...I definitely have a lot of them! XD It's made me start on a second version of the poem that, while not entirely getting rid of those moments, does drastically reduce their number. There's also a lot of excellent technical and grammatical knowledge in your review that I can apply to my poems old and new alike. Thank you so much for taking the time to review my work, and I'll let you know when I post the new version, "The Jeweler 2.0: A Cut Above!" ^_^

[Richard🖌]

You've a great attitude, My Friend, that will allow you to become the master poet you so earnestly deserve to be.
Yes, let me know when #2 is posted, please!

[Irenic]

A very beautiful poem which gives the message of molding.
It is a very beautiful poem. The way you have written that how a person molds himself for his loved ones just to please them is worthy to praise.
Your poem expresses the feelings of that man who molded himself for his loved ones and he is watching them from behind and thinking how much it was hard for him to mold himself and how he did it.
Very nice poem.
Keep writing.
Thanks for sharing! :)

[Mary]

Well done! And I must admit, I've been there, bought the tee shirt and had the same results! Good style.

[Gee]

Flowed beautifully, changing to please others, hmmmm, never a good idea. Best o be accepted warts and all. Enjoyed your poem

[TricksyCoy]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! And I guess it is never a good idea to change yourself just to please others, but it's so hard to think when you're constantly distracted by the joys and woes of love. :P Thanks for the review!

[kitty blur]

Excellent use of rhythm throughout! :) I absolutely love when I can basically sing along (?) with the poem, if that makes sense. Your story gave me really nice visuals, too. I found the way that you described becoming "a diamond shaped from murk" for your new-found love to be entirely relatable; not only does it highlight that we want to put our best foot forward in a new relationship, it also demonstrates the work that people will put into making themselves into the person they think is most attractive to their suitor. I feel like we've all been there, unsure of whether or not we're good enough for the person we love. The last stanza really speaks to that affect. Nice.

I can also appreciate how the poem had a really clear beginning, middle, and end. You met your love, you tried your best to become a "prize" for them, and you realized that all of you efforts may not be worth it in the end. I tend to jump around in my poetry a lot, so I really like when I find poems with such direct story-lines.

If I had any critiques, it might be that the last line seems to be missing a syllable or two that would make it match the other lines' rhythms. That could have totally been done on purpose, though, to kind of draw out the words to give it a sort of sad ending. Not sure if I explained that well enough.

Overall, a very nice read. :)

[TricksyCoy]

Thank you so much! I'm glad that my poem could communicate so much, it's what I'm striving to do with my writing. :D

I know what you mean about the last line too. It seems to feel slightly off, even though the syllables are the same as the others. I don't know why it does this (might be because of the way "wrought" sounds, or that the line is 4 words while the others are 5) but I like the way it sort of ends on that low note.

Thanks for the review! You were literally the first person to review my stuff, so this will always be a special memory of my time here! X)