Surviving Small Talk

My appaling memory from a party last year.

Holidays mark the season to be really good at small talk. Unfortunately, I’m not. In fact utterly crappy would be a more accurate description in this area.  So for me and my inadequate small-talkers, ‘tis in fact the season to feel really awkward at parties and lunches. For a while there it seemed as though technology might wipe out the need for small talk altogether. When I communicate via email or sms, there is no need, space or time for social niceties. There’s no need to ask insane questions about the weather when I’m trying to condense my message into 2cm of cell phone screen " heck, no need for vowels! Same with email, I love how I just can launch into whatever I need to say. Even flirting is easier via sms or email. No awkward pauses or stupid hair flicking. The reason you can be a much better flirt via email is that there’s no time pressure. I don’t have to come up with those clever, funny, spontaneous remarks. I can be clever and funny and spontaneous when I’m good and ready. While wearing your tatty pyjamas and a face mask. But small talk is mostly not about flirting. It’s about pretending to be interested in someone you are not interested in at all.

This is particularly challenging for me when I go out: when people drink beers or cocktails on an empty stomach. NEWSFLASH: alcohol without food gives you very bad breath. I know this after I had to stand very close to someone to catch what he was saying and almost suffocated on his whiffy breath (eeuw). And it doesn’t help my small-talk-o-phobia that I can never remember anyone’s name, even within five seconds of being introduced. I once read that to make a positive impact on people and make them feel good, you should use their names as often as possible in a conversation. My appalling memory makes this rather a gamble, as I begin to doubt even my own name. Am I Trodd Mamabolo? Hmmm. LOL. But one thing that I have learned is that the subject of work is always is a safe bet, even if you haven’t the foggiest idea of what your small talk companion actually does for a living. ‘So how are things at work? Terribly busy?' Is a guaranteed fall-back small talk. Especially if it’s some student punk.

But the best part about winter holidays is that you can extend this particular piece of meaningless chitchat with: ‘Taking time off this winter?’ I’ve been known to use this one as far ahead as April if grasping at conversational straws. But once you have exhausted safe subjects, you may still be stuck talking to someone whose name you can’t remember and from whose clutches you can’t seem to escape. Like me, just make the transparent, ‘I’m-just-going-to-pop-off-to-the-loo excuse.' Now where was that restroom…