Black

Black

A Poem by Benjamin L. Weekly

Silver moon shining
Guardian of onyx night
Yellow eyes watch you

© 2008 Benjamin L. Weekly


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Is onyx spelled wrong?
Really cool ^^

Posted 17 Years Ago


they're stars people (duh)

Posted 17 Years Ago


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Jem
are the yellow eyes a cat? i love the mystery in this.

Posted 17 Years Ago


Gives the reader a lot to think about. So many interpretations you can take from this. I liked the wording, the Guardian of Onyx night... black but yellow eyes watching. A twist and mind bending trying to find meaning because there is so many.

Krystal

Posted 17 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

this haiku is a little tougher to review because there is so much direction it could go in. there is a rough personification going on between the moon and the stars. there is also an arcing vision going on.
i want to draw your attention to the economy of light in the night sky.
and these considerations may seem to split hairs, but understand, i feel this review comes from the recognition that this haiku is more of a rumination of a mental image than a real image.

my quick points:
'shining' - is implicit in "moon" even if it cloudy, that's what the moon does. try moonshine, or moonlight if your focus is the surrounding stars, how does the light mix or obsure other sources of light? or star light against city light.
onyx night - if the moon is shining, how black can it be out? aside from dark, or black, 'onyx' is a poetic description too fanciful for haiku, unless you really want to write a haiku about onyx stones...
yellow eyes watch you - haiku is literal, not figurative, unless playful.( for playful haiku search for Isso's haiku, they are great!) i get what your saying, though. 'Yellow stars would get the point across, but that they 'watch you' is going a bit too far. Star light shines in other directions too. but the human gaze normally does one thing at a time. it is the reader, the author, who watches the yellow stars. and then again, not all stars are yellow, so only a few of them are being recognized. so far this haiku recognizes the author more than the image.

i'm trying to put the image together. i see a moon, i assume it is full (soemtimes we have to assume because we can't articulate the full image, which the haiku poet must then consider: is the image too complex?). at some point the moon's light is strong enough to blot out the light of surrounding stars. its like sitting under the lights of a parking lot: you can't really see stars very well, but you know it's night up there. This is why i feel there is an arcing of vision going on. in the geographic area i live in, we can't see stars very well when it is a silver moon out, so we have to scan the rest of the sky to see what's going on.

So what i get from this haiku is mostly of a vast mental image. it has a fantastical tone to it. the first line comes closest to haiku-nature.

again, 5-7-5 takes some extra scultping, your haiku inspired me to write three, two withou 5-7-5. i'll post em on my profile.
but the above considerations can also be applied in my own. there is aline between simple and complex that itself is often complex. what is too much? what is too little?

Posted 17 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ah the moon, My favorite part of night. Well captured in this haiku. Nice work!

Posted 17 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I love the image this invokes...I'm a moon person.

Posted 17 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tiger,
I forgot to speak of my last observation of this haiku: "Yellow eyes watch you." In concert with the moon as the metaphor "mother" of the moon, the color denotes the mother possibly has a great sense of sadness, fear, and trepidation for her "son." In addition, using this particular color brings about the image of tears welling up in her eyes, ready to fall at any time.

So well done, my new friend. I am an honest, forthright, and mean-what-I-say-and-write-kind-of-guy, so realize that my "words" are not only observations but they are real; after all, I am a professor of literature and poetry and also I am a published novelist and poet, so I would never blow smoke up your a** nor anyone else. I want to be a part of this tremendous writing and learning community; all my four degrees does not make me an "expert" at all; it only means that I was "insane" enough to spend 18 years in university because I love to learn and to help others learn in any way that I possibly can.

So, spread the word to your friends about me: I am just a person with some good advice, knowledge, and will honesty, yet, tactfully, give a review if asked to. Still, I would never "ripped" anyone or a piece apart; for inside of every piece of writing, there is "greatest" to be discovered--some of us just need a bit more guideness along the journey of discovering it, including myself.

Your new friend,
Buck

P.S. I have a challenge for you: Rather than concertrating on writing another haiku, I would like you to write either an essay, prose, and/or poem based on this specific haiku. I would like very much to see how you can take the original concept and poem and develop the simplicity and go beyond. Are you up to the challenge? If you are, when you are finished with your first draft, you can send it to me privately and I will review it and send it back to you with my comments, etc. I really believe this will be a very good experiment in the writing process of your.

Think about it my new friend,
Buck


Posted 17 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tiger,
First, let me say that I am honoured that you asked me to read your poem and review it for you. Also, please just call me, "Buck." I am a simplistic man who lives a simple life contrary to my professional life. People are calling me either "Sir' or "Dr. Bradley" and this off sets my purpose for also being "here" with all of you. Yes, I do teach literature and poetry at university, but I want to learn from others as well.

Now, the poem. First, I disagree with the person who mentioned about you using punctuation in this particular poem. If you look back at the history of haikus, you will find that the majority of them do not have punctuation. With this poem, punctuation would absolutely interrupt the flow of this very concisely written piece.

The imagery is sublime and surreal. Also, as with Max, I am the color "black" and when you read my "words," you will discover that much of my work does center on or around this theme. Another point I would like to not only make to you, but also to your readers is this: Length should never be the focused or concern of a poem--any type of poem.

One of the best poems I love only as one line: "Jesus wept." It tells you so much yet it leaves you with so many questions.

The metaphor of the moon being the mother, watching over her child, night, is supreme. Also, the specifically chosen word, "onyx" describes so much in detail the color of night. Again, the color "onyx" is a metaphor in of itself because it eludes to a precious jewel; something very elusive that few will actually have the opportunity to even see; moreover, even touch like this "night" which only exists in your "world."

A brilliant write. I am very impressed with your writing considering your youth. You do have a very promising future in the world of "words" and my advice to you is this: Write every day of your life, whether you feel like it or not. Write every day even if you do not know what to write about. Free write. Stream of consciousness. William Faulkner was famous for this particular type of writing.

Again, thank you for the opportunity to visit with you.

Buck

Posted 17 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Short and sweet, this version of poetry seems to work really well for you. You seem to have a inate feel for haiku which, though I've tried before, I can't seem to get with the same fluency you do. Nicely done.

Though I would encourage punctuation in the future, its still a firm, and well build haiku, and short enough that punctuation doesn't detract from the overall feel of it. good job, keep it up.

Posted 17 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on April 23, 2008

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Benjamin L. Weekly
Benjamin L. Weekly

Roseburg, OR



About
I am 22 years old and live in Roseburg, OR. I presently work full time. At my job, I handle second tier tech support by phone and answer emails for a major company. As such, I have the privilege of.. more..

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