Intimate

Hugging close and tight
Breathing hard in a moment
Her tounge tastes so sweet

Reviews

[Erin S. Leadbetter]

This is very very good! My favorite!

[Ed Rector]

i have to admit that this haiku is a preety damn good one without being too erotix.

[Crystal]

Perfect form! Not easily achieved... nicely done!
He asked me the other night why I chose him of all the guys in the world.
I told him it was because he was such a great kisser! Kissing is so intimate!
Yummy? Indeed!

[Jem]

very nicely summed up,
lovely

[Gordon Greene]

Beautiful.
g.g.

[Whirl]

wow.
yummy? yes, definately.

[Krystal Waters]

Really nice Haiku. I liked the way you said she tastes so sweet! Very romantic indeed! You are the KING OF HAIKU writing! Really, I am learning off of you as I read.

----Krystal---

[Adamdust]

pretty soon i'll get a bad rep for being a haiku hard-case.

but importantly, your haiku has allowed me time to think about one myself. i take a long time when sculpting them. sometimes 30 minutes, other times i got to walk away for a few days. i'm serious, i'm that much a dork. :) but i also follow some traditional rules. because aside from it being a poetic form, it is also a strong meditational practice and for that reason i choose to follow the rules. i won;t share it in this, but if you want some suggestions send me a message. i don;t know how serious you take haiku (but apparently due to the length of this message i take it rather serious, nudge nudge)

This is short verse. i know i know. you got the 5-7-5 down, and that's not always easy. but for haiku, there are some important redundancies that could be cut out and reworded. however, if 5-7-5 is really important to you, then i recommend you re-evaluate your word choice so as to cut down on the cramming of images in this piece.
because haiku is so simple, confined even, each word is vital, and crafting it can be a real pain especially if your writing a desk-ku, in otherwords, it was just something you thought of at your desk instead of something you actually experienced. i'm guessing this is a real experience. ;)
take the first line for example:

hugging close and tight,

i would offer to say that most people assume hugging to be close when it is tight or tight when it is close. you can free up two syllables by scrapping "and tight" - and think: both 'hugging' and 'holding' have two syllables. basically same thing, but arguably of different poetic effect. I would hug my brother or sister of father, but i'd hold my girlfriend. i don't know, everyone's different right?

breathing hard in a moment.

believe it or not, the word moment is the one i'm looking at. of course its a 'moment.' that's what haiku is: a single moment. toss "in a moment" but keep the idea of constrained breathing

Her tongue tastes so sweet.

this is too poetic (for haiku). there are two instances of alliteration. so this functions to say that the moment wasn't sweet enough on its own and that it needed to be prettified with poetic language. haiku really takes the "show don't tell" to the Nth. but then again, it is hard to write subjective haiku without telling. its ultimately based on your experience. and herein lies the trouble with east meets west. in the west, there is a lot of focus on the individual, the subjective, the ego, and therefore haiku becomes something i have to abstract from one subjective writing to another. how does your experience of the moment inform my experience of the moment? the "reading" event in haiku is ultimately the same experience the author of it had, that's the purpose behind the simplicity. it presupposes both an underlying, objective collective understanding AND the great vast gulf of separating subjective experiences that makes comunicating so difficult.

so i'd recommend using the 'breath' as a means to juxtapose the hug and the kiss, that somewhere in the middle it ties the two together

i recomend Haiku Moment: An Anthology of Contemporary North American Haiku
this is what it looks like at amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/Haiku-Moment-Anthology-Contemporary-American/dp/0804818207

there are fantastic haiku in here, and many that follow the 5-7-5 and many that don't.
thanks for allowing me to go absolutely crazy with this review. keep up the work.

[CD]

Yup, yummy works for me

[Akaila]

oo i want more!! i really like this one!!! good job!
~akaila~