Utopia

Time like a donkey's burden,
Tolling on a ticking clock.
Longing for her, my Eden;
Sinking in a lonely shock.

Where are you, my companion?
I want your secret garden;
Let me ride on your pinion!
I've never been so certain,

I need to hold, lie, and hug
I need your touch, paradise
I need your kiss, snuggle bug
I need to drown in your eyes

Breathing your water, coursing
Trickling river, I drink
Makes me fly, eagle soaring
Can't say "I love you." I shrink.

Time like a weighty mountain
Forces me to rant and rave
Wanting to drink your fountain
Utopia, come to me, save

Author's Note

An older poem. I've grown a lot as a writer since.

Reviews

[Kayelyse]

I quite enjoyed reading this.
Normally, I'm not a huge fan of rhyming poems. However, yours isn't forced, but instead flows. I really liked the fourth stanza.
"Breathing your water, coursing
Trickling river, I drink
Makes me fly, eagle soaring
Can't say "I love you." I shrink."

The description was just superb. Fantastic job.

[Krista Laraine]

Have to say it plain and simple: I liked this. I enjoyed the rhyme...(it is difficult to write about love in rhyme and not have it read completely sappy) You pulled it off and even threw in a "snuggle bug" which normally would make me wince, but it was different...it was affectionate and real. It contrasted with the rest in a GOOD way. The only thing I would change would be the repetition of the word drink (last two verses)...may be just a personal thing but when I find that I have hung onto a phrase or a word in my poems I try to go back and think of something to more accurately describe the picture I am painting since that part was already written. Nice poem.

[From-the-shadows]

Immpressive Ben while I shy away from writing about love I will say you expressed it nicely. I would change only one thing and I hope you don't mind me saying Instead of 'Can't say "I love you" I shrink." I would say "From saying I love you I now shrink" or "To say I love you is from what I shrink" but see that is what makes our poetry different.

Good write
From-the-shadows

[EVERYTHINGyoucantelltoS..]

i need to drown in your eyes...i love that line, and sometimes, i just cant help myself...the last lines incredibly well said, i must say,,...i can relate to this quite well, and the rhymes really flow well...companion and pinion...i would possibly change the wording if there isnt a better rhyme...snuggle bug? perhaps theres a better rhyme, and perhaps that means something to you, and if it does, then i wouldnt touch it...

[Courtney, {qué S..]

Definitely a lot of imagery in this one. I love the message in it, but some of the words/rhymes seem a bit out of place. Like in the first stanza, rhyming companion with pinion seemed a little off. Perhaps another word would fit better there. Other than that, I really love this poem. Great job on this piece.

[Merancapeman]

Ah, zee Tigair eez een louv. Ha, you know me...

Anyway, the bad news is that sometimes I stumbled on some of the words, as a few seemed out of place. The good thing is, it contains a lot of juice. I suppose you could delve deep and say that love is pretty much like this poem; you can stumble all over it, but in the end you get to the same road and you know exactly where it leads. I bid you good luck on your journey, friend. As for this poem, it has told me exactly where you plan on starting. Good work, old chap.

[Dead Angel]

pretty good poem. very visual and you could kind of feel how this person is afraid of commitment and knows that his/her partner is getting unpatient. very nice! :)

[L. L. Jacobson]

In the course of our meeting eachother's aquaintance just yesterday, priveleged on my part,
it is an interconnection not only that my love life duplicates these words and this predicament you have transcribed from heart to paper- screen- but that you are a tiger and I am a squirrel.
The waiting, that passage of time can devour a person in every realm the soul has passed through. The mirror of uncertainty, when the other's face seems like a mirage, and we will never get to see it closely, is an uncanny force that we cannot rid ourselves of, because it is also the driving force.
I would've liked to repeat the review of the person below me, entirely, because he said it best for the both of us, only he said it for him, but it wouldn't have been authentic of me, so I am saying this on my behalf, but what am I saying?
What is the fear of love? Why can't the words be said if they are felt? Not a question to be answered. Think silently, alone. They are not said to me, but I am not complaining. I admire they are not, and I'll tell you why, and maybe if you know then you can appreciate, as maybe it is your reason as well.
FEEL IT. Love can be said through silence, through understanding, the treatment of a person from another, thousands of ways like the particles of our beings, existence of emotions.
However, on the other hand, I myself, an intensely romantic woman, would like to share with you a proverb from the French:

"il est non seulement n�cessaire � amour, il est n�cessaire de dire so."

-It is not only necessary to love, it is necessary to say so.
---French Saying

As for the poem itself, you have conveyed fantastic feelings, whether happiness or sorrow, and they have surely been felt by me. I know not the laws of poetry, or rules like line breaks and form; when I write poems they are all from my emotions, quickly, never forced, or biting down at the end of a pen to pass time while I'm thinking of what to conjure next, because that would only be force.
I can tell you write the same way, freeflow from your heart. But I do know you do have alliteration- which means you are a poet, but of course, a feeler first.

I wait too.

[David P. Eckert]

This almost sounds like a guy having trouble with commitment poem. Like there is a deadline, his partner wanting "I love yous" and him not being able to give them freely. He wants to be with her, wants, perhaps to be able to commit, but cannot quite find a way to do it, and the clock keeps ticking. Whether by ultimatum, or by the fact that someone else may show her interest, he feels the passage of time and opportunity in the ticking of the clock. On the other hand, I could be pulling these ideas from thin air.

[Melissa M.]

I like the flow of this poem, but the language doesn't feel quite right. It kind of alternates between lyrical and humorous. Maybe "snuggle bug" doesn't quite fit?