Teaser(Nozomi's thought)

A look in Nozomi Kishimura's thought. Trigger Warning: References to abuse, mental abuse, and suicide.

(Note to Readers: Before you start wondering why this teaser has so many grammatical errors, it’s because one of the symptoms of schizophrenia is that you can’t talk right, well it seems right to the person but not to the rest of the world. So when you read this, just remember that’s how she talks.)   

My name is Nozomi Kishimura. I am a seventeen year out girl who has schizophrenia, which means that I have hallucinations and that I am delusional. I am a very paranoid person for good reasons. I’ve been in a mental institute twice in my lifetime.The first time was when I tried to kill myself and the second was when my parents just got tired of me being around. People treat me as a social outcast because I can’t talk right and I constantly have bruises all over my body and cuts on my wrists. They think that I am emo, but I am not. My inner demons are the ones responsible. I swear it’s true. But no one ever believes me. It’s because no one but me can see them. They punch and slash at me whenever I am alone. I think that there are five of them, the demons. They don’t have names because why the hell would I give them names. One of them is very tall. It is about six feet seven inches. Plus he is really thin, like bony thin. It is the one who verbally abuses me. It calls me bad names and causes me to cry a lot. Another one is a gray snake that is very short. It is as long as an normal sized pen. It may be small, but it is very crafty. He gets into my head and tells me bad stuff, like I should kill myself and that no one in the world will ever love me and similar stuff like that. The third one is a shadow figure. It likes play pranks on me and it causing me to trip and knocks stuff out of my hand. It doesn’t talk though. It just follows me around. The fourth one is a mangled corpse. It is a man that has only one eyeball, which is hanging out of his head. He has no lips so his teeth are constantly showing. His rib cage is showing and his intestines are hanging out of his stomach. He is the one who hits me. He likes to punch and kick me. The last one is a duplicate of me. But she has black hair instead of my blue hair. And her eyes are red. She is the one who cuts me. She uses knife that looks like it’s made of bone. It has weird symbols on it. The good thing is that only one demon can appear at a time, well except for the shadow figure, it follows me everywhere hiding in my shadow. I hate my evil twin the most because she is the one who causes me the most pain. Did I say that I can touch them? If I didn’t, I am sorry. Yeah I can touch them as they can touch me. But I don’t have enough courage to do that, because I don’t want them to hurt me more than they do. I don’t know how much more I can take before I try to kill myself again. It’s so lonely. It’s too lonely. I live in a world that doesn’t care about me and that alienates me. Sometimes I wish that these demons would just kill me, so I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. God, if you are real, please just give me one friend.

Author's Note

Hope you enjoy this teaser for my seven part story coming soon. Please leave comments so that I can get feedback on what I can approve on.

Reviews

[KnightOfAnarchy]

I really like this, schizophrenia is a very serious disease that isn't taken very seriously.
In fact most mental illnesses aren't.
My uncle died from it but I never got to meet him.
It's one of the worst illnesses you can have in my opinion
With that said all the demons are very symbolic to who she is and are her own personal demons.

We all have our own demons.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thanks a lot. I agree with you, schizophrenia is a serious disease that isn't taken very seriously. And I sorry about your uncle.

[Autumn Falls]

I dig this! Hit me up dude

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thanks. :)

[Redwarrior123]

Nicely done. You really brought the character to life. Good job.

[EssenceofDaringx]

All of these demons seem like worthy opponents. I hope she kicks all of their asses.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

So do I. :)

[Krizito]

I think you pretty with this bit of insight into the character...especially with the 'fears' and 'demons'. I'm pretty much feeling hooked enough for the coming 'seven-part story'..

[Tsubaki Kuro]

i'm glad that i got you hooked

[Writing Angel]

haha I love it honestly at the end I was thinking "I will be your friend" haha great job

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Awwww. I'm glad that you felt something from this.

[t.m.]

This is really good. I can definitely see this becoming an amazing story. I look forward to reading it.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thank you The Martyr. That doesn't sound right, but that doesn't matter. I hope you enjoy it.

[JCat]

As always, I deeply apologise if my blunt review offends you. The greatest dishonour I could insult you with would be to lie. However, I do always try to focus on the positive as well as what needs improved. Remember, take on what's useful from my review and throw in the trash what isn't.

Detailed Read Through (If I don't have a lot of time, or the piece is longer than 1000 words, then this part can be not-so-detailed):

[[Note: This section won't be long for this story because I m not going to point out grammar/punctuation errors]]

Give slightly more emphasis to "schizophrenia". Use punctuation to do this. "I am a 17 year old girl....and I have schizophrenia" or put schizophrenia on another line.

"snake that is very short" I feel this feels slightly redundant, because you describe the legnth in the next sentence. And as a description, the second sentences makes more sense anyway.

You've used the word "showing" twice near each other after "his teeth are constantly..." While I realize this is a monologue, try and vary the language slightly.

"blue hair" we now have an anime vibe. If that's what your going for, well done, if it's not, then change the colour to brown or something like that.

Very good last sentence.



Overall Analysis:

I like what you did with this, I like the descriptions of the demons and your general Japanese vibe. And with the last line at the end, you have a very good story teaser here.

But a few things to watch out for:

Your grammar and punctuation isn't actually that bad, but in a few places there are missing words and such, go over and do a good deep comb through and put such missing words in: eg

"she uses knife" to "she uses a knife"

And about the punctuation and grammar point in general...

I get it that a schizophrenic would not really be thinking properly, but the first thing that puts readers, editors, publishers, agents-- anybody-- off, is bad grammar and punctuation. I understand what your trying to do but I think that it will harm your story more than hurt it.

If you can, make the language more informal as well to keep it dialogue like. If she's talking to herself, she'll use words like "she's" and "they think I'm an emo".

But I like the descriptions of the demons and the idea of physical touch. You've left a few unsubscribed, and that would unfold throughout the story. The last line sets the tone for the book as well-- we're all expecting Nozomi to get a friend in our novel here-- and I think that defiantly lifts my spirits about the whole thing. Scrub it up and your on your way to a very interesting piece of work!

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thanks for the review. This is just a thought of the main character. And yes this is anime-like. She will only talk and think like this, the bad grammar. Cause it's a side affect of schizophrenia. I know that it's very brutal to read, I hurts me too. But i'll tell ya a little secret. The more she stands up against the demons, the better her speech gets, see where i'm getting at. It's a form of character development. For the purpose of the readers, i'll make it cleaner. Thanks a lot for your time. :)

[JCat]

Yeah don't get me wrong I actually really really liked that. I just think especially when it comes to publishing, that things need to be good with the ol' G&P. I'm so used to the "saw off your arm to save your body" thing when it comes to literary work. I've had to cut out fantastic scenes and great techniques before to make it more palatable for readers and editors.

It really depends on where you want to draw the line. Either way, it's a good character backdrop and a good story.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thank you. I don't know if I'm publishable material though. But reviewers like you push me into wanting to be published. Thank you for the encouragement. :)

[JCat]

Lil secret I've learned after two years of editing: NO ONE is publishable...until they work at it. Research what publishers want. Streamline your work. Edit. Edit. Edit. Edit. Literally, do edits until you literally go through it and don't want to change a single thing. Then, and only then, send it to an editor.

You might have already known that. But if you don't, and want any more advice, my inbox is always open. You've got a lot of potential!

[Tsubaki Kuro]

00
o
(That's a shocked face) Wow, that makes me really happy. Thanks a bunch JCat. If I have questions, I'll hit you up. Thank you for making my day a happy one. :)

[Autonomous]

Ok now I see what you mean, anyway great work and also if you want can I have you review the anime writing I'm trying to figure out.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Sure thing. I would love to help you out.

[Kitonic]

I really enjoyed your teaser, it does leave a good bit to the imagination and also offers a sort of scary type of reality to it.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

It does leave a scary type of reality to it. That's what I am going for. Thank you for your review Kitonic.

[Kitonic]

No problem.