Your Final Breath

Hope you guys like it. I'm not great at poetry.

I can help you now,

Where no one can see,

What you have kept hidden,

The dark side of thee.

 

You're hiding in pits,

Behind rocks and walls,

But you cannot hide,

When I see it all.

 

You think you can run,

You think you'll be free,

You think to escape,

But that's not to be.

 

I have you now,

And you're screaming at me,

Ultimate suffering,

Eternally.

 

I've let you go,

You think you can leave,

You don't understand,

What it means to grieve.

 

You run from us, we know you are there,

Pray if you will and plead for swift death,

Escape us now and put an end to regret,

So you think, as you breathe final breath.

 

Author's Note

It is in a ABCB format just in case you were wondering. Hope it fits well.

Reviews

[Scott Free]

I think this is your best piece of work yet, Greg! I rather liked it.
It was engaging--a plus =)
It was just a bit vague...I'd like to see more of the person you (or the person, whoever) is talking to.
Also, this one little stanza was a messy-uppied;
"You try to hide in pits,
Behind rocks and walls,
But you cannot hide,
From me at all."
The last line=too short. Maybe 'But you cannot hide--| You cannot hide from me at all'.
Or another rhyming word. You don't want to make the reader think you're scrabbling for a word.
Other than that, good job!

~S

[David]

hmm, Great poem.

[Kelsey Desmond]

I'm trying to help you get ratings right now....just trying to leave I comment so I can get access to rating it....

[Gregory Hill]

Btw guys this is supposed to be from the point of view of sin.

[bluessadmood]

yes that was nice ,
you think you can run..you think you will be free
you think to escape..but thats not to be..
i think it needs more work on it..
lovely write..

[Phenomena]

ooooohh... I liked this piece!!! Nicely done=] Honestly, you have the potential to format it with a little more suspense, or at least on the last line. And I do agree with Scott about seeing more of the person you are talking to. Or maybe you can also add a little more formality like you did with this line:
"the dark side of thee"
And then most of the poem sound just a little informal, not too informal, but just a tad.
Hope this helps and... KEEP WRITING!!!=D

[17thWhitePrince]

It's Really Good !!!
Wonderfully Written Indeed !!!
Just A Marvel To Read !!!
Easy To Follow !!!
It's Really Good !!!
WoW !!!

[KisuKimmi]

I really like this stanza: I've let you go,

You think you can leave,

You don't understand,

What it means to grieve.

[Shanna (Renae)]

I can see a lot of potential in this poem. You improve quickly! It's not as sweet as the last poem, but is quite a bit more polished.

I agree with Scott, it's a little vague, but quite intriguing.

[Jade (insanity)]

I loved it. It had so much emotion.
Great piece!
Keep writing
-Nightmare

[Kelsey Desmond]

Well, the format for one thing is kinda obvious. But for another thing, this is probably your best poem. It has meaning to it, which I like. Well done. It has better writing than your others. I'm glad you requested this as a read request.