New Memories

New Memories

A Story by Gregory Hill
"

Tell me what you think and how to improve, thanks.

"

             Vultures descended from above. New memories had been made. New memories in an old clearing. These memories would last forever. The clearing had once supported a small thriving village. The surrounding copse had flourished for years, now, where the copse had been, lay a field of smoldering stumps. A sudden, tempestuous gail shot over the remains. The stumps crumbled in the wind and ashes flew to the heavens. The sky blackened with the soot of a hundred trees.

      In the clearing, the horrific view went unnoticed. There was no one to see it, their souls had already departed. The village, with it's mud-thatched roofs and rough hewn cobbles, stood silent. Silent, that is, except for the ravenous vultures, tearing at the bodies.  From young to old they looked as if they had lived peaceful lives. Decieved, they had not known the meaning of defense.

     Bordering the stone cobbles, the dirt was saturated. The new mud, mixed with blood and sweat, oozed  over onto the cobbles as footsteps approach. They cared not what they walked on or whom it had been but hours ago. Silence fell. Worse than the silence before; this silence was absolute. A day to remember.

 

© 2010 Gregory Hill


Author's Note

Gregory Hill
Any help would be great.

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Lol yeah at first I thought it was corpse...I guess my eyes are a little too used to that sort of thing :D
Anyway...
'Tempestuously, a sudden gail shot over the remains.' I would much rather see this as 'A sudden, tempestuous gail shot over the remains.' because, for one, that eliminates the adverb, and, for two, it seems to flow better.
'voracious vultures, tearing ravenously at the bodies' I'd also like to see this rephrased to 'voracious vultures tearing at the bodies' or something like that, 'cause ravenous isn't really needed after voracious and again it gets rid of the adverb.
'There were bodies, and not those of the copse's woodland animals.' I'm not sure what this accomplishes. We KNOW there are bodies, as you state it in the previous paragraph. And why, pray tell, would they be woodland animals? Surely the woodland animals wouldn't build a village?
'...stone cobbles, mined from a nearby quarry, the dirt...' now, I'm thinking by 'mined from a nearby quarry' your talking about the cobbles, but the way the sentence is set up it makes me think the dirt is mined from a nearby quarry. Which is completely pointless. I mean, mining dirt? There's enough of the goshdurn stuff around anyway, why mine it? So I think you could remove the 'mined from a nearby quarry' as stone is most usually mined from a quarry or somewhere and it's generally taken from as near as possible, and really, what reader is gonna think about THAT?
'The new mud oozed sickeningly...' now, if you want us to think of sickening mud (and I'm assuming it's sickening mud due to the fact that it's made from blood and dirt?) then show us. Something like 'The new, dark red mud, blood mingled with dirt...' or something like that. Only a suggestion of course.
Anyway, other than that it was great! I liked the overall thing. It flowed nicely and I think with a little polishing you could sub it to a flash fiction magazine or something, and definitely get it accepted(I'm not an expert of course, so I'm just guessing, but I think it would)!
Good job and keep writing,
--Andrew

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I think this was written really well, your descriptions were great, I don't know if you intended for people to confuse "copse" with "corpse", like a double entendre or what, but when you mention vultures people think of dead people, so if the confusion is unintentional I would look for a different word.

I'm not real sure what this is about, deforestry, slash and burn, maybe slaughtering native Americans...I could be way off, but those are the images I had in my mind. Actually, not to cheapen the meaning of the story, but I kept thinking about that scene in Star Wars when Luke returns to the moisture farm and it's all burnt up and his Aunt and Uncle are laying on the ground dead. Either way I thought it was a good story.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Good

Posted 10 Years Ago


This is good, Greg; very poetic. I especially loved the beginning.
Since other people have given you a lot of help, I wanted to just bring up one thing I noticed; the last sentence seems...oh, I don't know, forced. Who thinks this is a day to remember? Why would it be a day to remember? Who's remembering it? From the ghastly description you have, seems like it would be a day to *forget.* But I think the rationale behind this last sentence needs to be examined.
Hope I've left you with something to chew on. :D

Scott

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

When I say wooow! I MEAN IT!!! This is a wonderful piece. The descriptive is just unbelievable. This is truly a wonderful piece of writing. And i find it interesting. The way you formated it. It is a very nice piece of writing. Hope to see more.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

For a small piece like this, you still have to think of it as a true story. The writing was great, but never really drew me in. I was always one step behind was was actually happening. Not really realizing the scene. The setting is given all power in this situation. It is the thing that most draws the attention. But when given too much power, the setting can overpower the characters. You need to put as much work on the characters and actions of the characters as you do on the setting. In some pieces, maybe even more.

I love the description that you always give in the pieces. Just in case I was confusing (which I usually am) I want to kinda "summarize" my review:

Again, I love your constant description. I just feel you need to spread your description to other elements of the story, and not keep it on one main one. You need to take in contact the scene, because even though you describe what is happening very well and the reader does understand; it does not draw their attention, and they never fully understand what is happening.

Haha. But I still loved this piece. I felt my reviews were lacking helpfulness and just say "good" or "keep writing," so I'm starting to focus on stuff and go all-out like I used to.

Other than that, loved the story. Can't wait to read more.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lol yeah at first I thought it was corpse...I guess my eyes are a little too used to that sort of thing :D
Anyway...
'Tempestuously, a sudden gail shot over the remains.' I would much rather see this as 'A sudden, tempestuous gail shot over the remains.' because, for one, that eliminates the adverb, and, for two, it seems to flow better.
'voracious vultures, tearing ravenously at the bodies' I'd also like to see this rephrased to 'voracious vultures tearing at the bodies' or something like that, 'cause ravenous isn't really needed after voracious and again it gets rid of the adverb.
'There were bodies, and not those of the copse's woodland animals.' I'm not sure what this accomplishes. We KNOW there are bodies, as you state it in the previous paragraph. And why, pray tell, would they be woodland animals? Surely the woodland animals wouldn't build a village?
'...stone cobbles, mined from a nearby quarry, the dirt...' now, I'm thinking by 'mined from a nearby quarry' your talking about the cobbles, but the way the sentence is set up it makes me think the dirt is mined from a nearby quarry. Which is completely pointless. I mean, mining dirt? There's enough of the goshdurn stuff around anyway, why mine it? So I think you could remove the 'mined from a nearby quarry' as stone is most usually mined from a quarry or somewhere and it's generally taken from as near as possible, and really, what reader is gonna think about THAT?
'The new mud oozed sickeningly...' now, if you want us to think of sickening mud (and I'm assuming it's sickening mud due to the fact that it's made from blood and dirt?) then show us. Something like 'The new, dark red mud, blood mingled with dirt...' or something like that. Only a suggestion of course.
Anyway, other than that it was great! I liked the overall thing. It flowed nicely and I think with a little polishing you could sub it to a flash fiction magazine or something, and definitely get it accepted(I'm not an expert of course, so I'm just guessing, but I think it would)!
Good job and keep writing,
--Andrew

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

it actually is copse not corpse just so everyone knows

Posted 10 Years Ago


i really liked it alot =] i liked how you described everything. You painted the scene in my mind. the only thing i saw wrong was that in the 4th line you forgot the R in corspe =] have a great day!

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.


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Added on September 23, 2009
Last Updated on February 25, 2010

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Gregory Hill
Gregory Hill

Fallbrook, CA



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Hi all I dont like writing about myself so I will be brief. I am 16 and I live in Fallbrook Ca. How much more brief can you get? I have some songs I like on here: more..

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