Chapter One

Chapter One

A Chapter by lauren emily

I stepped out of the house as I would have any other day. Any other normal day. And that's what I thought today was..just another day. But it wasn't. It was a discovery.
    I knew little then; not anything like I know now. No, no, then I only knew that I was going to take a walk. It was early morning, and I still had by PJ's on. Normal. I walked along the side walk, staring down at the ground, and ocationally looked up to make sure I wouldn't run into a parked car or a planted bush. It was warm, I remember that clearly. And the sun had just rose not 20 minutes ago. I walked along the long street that would lead me to Travington. The street-like so many others-was made up of black cement. It had numerous cracks and small holes that I made sure not to step on. I thought of the saying "Step on a crack and you'll break your mother's back.". I wasn't one for superstition, but it gave me something to do. Something to look out for and to put myself in danger. I laughed at my thinking and then let out a content sigh.
    I loved walking in the morning. It was always exciting. Even though there wasn't much to seemed to have an edge to it. And I was quite right, or this morning I was. This morning, this day, meant so much even though I didn't know it yet.
     As I got closer to Travington St., I heard a basketball bouncing..and then remembered that there was a basketball court by the park on the next street. But why was it so loud..and at this hour? I ran past Travington, past the houses that were on the street, to the scene of the bouncing. There was a game going on! At 6:45 in the morning! Why so early, and why wasn't I invited? I knew almost everyone in this town, and they all knew I loved playing basketball. I looked around at everything.
    There was a large basketball court. The ground was green with painted lines marking odd things. There was also a fence blocking off the play ground, and the orange hoop attached to it. The white net that hung loosely seemed very worn. I glanced at the players, and surprisingly, I only recognized two of them. Alec and Ryan, my friends since 3rd and 4th grade(I had met Ryan in 3rd grade, and Alec in 4th, since he had come to the school later). Ryan stood with the ball in his hand, ready to toss it to one of the other 13 guys I didn't remember or recognize. But they all stood still, not moving as they saw me come by.
    "Hey guys!" I shouted at them happily. "There's a game and no one told me, you've gotta be kidding me." I walked up to Ryan and grabbed the ball from his motionless hands and tossed it into the hoop. It made a low whooshing noise as it went in smoothly. "I wanted to play!" I wined playfully.
    "Well SORRY!" Alec exclaimed. "It is kind of early and we thought you needed your beauty sleep." He eyed me closely. I was wearing my purple sweat pants with a plain green tank top. My hair was pulled into a ponytail behind me, but it wasn't brushed. "Guess not.."
    "Ugh..shut up, Alec!" I through the ball at him too hard for it to be used as a play. He flinched as it hit him in the stomach and coughed a few times.
    In between coughs he tried to make amends. "Ah, I didn't-mean-it." Then he grinned, and I laughed.
    I ran back over to him and grabbed the ball. "Then may I please join the game?" I said with a smile. Everyone nodded and I passed the ball to Ryan who had just been listening to the conversation between Alec and I, as had everyone else.
    It was an exciting game, we split up into 2 teams, 7 players each. And in end, my team won. Then..I made a choice that..was so simple..and yet dangerous. But at the time it didn't seem so. "I'm gonna go take a shower and change, I'll be back in a while." I yelled as I started to walk back towards my grandma's house after the game had finished. I was sweaty and I still hadn't taken a shower. It was time.
    "I'll go with you, your grandma probably has breakfast ready by now." Alec grinned. He knew that my grandma always fed who ever came over. "Today I feel like eggs..and bacon..and sausage..and hash browns..and..french toast!" He laughed.
    "Alec..she's not a cook. I mean, she is, but she's not going to make EVERYTHING you ask for. I might just tell her that she shouldn't feed you the flu and are deathly sick! That you must..stay away from the house or you'll through up...puke everywhere." I grimaced and then laughed as he laughed.

© 2008 lauren emily

My Review

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I knew little then; not anything like I know now. ( I knew little then, not anything like I know now. )

The street-like so many others-was made up of black cement. (The street--like so many others--was made up of black cement. Or you could use commas or parenthesis)

"Hey guys!" I shouted at them happily.( "Hey, guys!" I shouted at them happily. Also, try to avoid the -ly adverb, especially tagged to dialogue. Sometimes they can not be avoided, but for the most part they can. They especially frowned upon in dialogue.)

"Ah, I didn't-mean-it."("Ah, I didn't mean it.")

"I'm gonna go take a shower and change, I'll be back in a while." ("I'm gonna go take a shower and change, I'll be back in a while," or since the following is "I yelled" you wanna you use an exclamation.)

I do agree with Cole that a little more description is needed. Not a bad start, though. Keep up the hard work.

Posted 12 Years Ago

1st person can be kind of tricky when you get down to the brass tacks of it. I am not saying this isn't good mind you, but you need to get more descriptive, ad what the young girl is thinking along with her words and actions. Use italics for her thoughts to seperate it from the actual conversation. That is the added bonus of 1st person point of view, it is already a given as to whom is thinking it.

Definitly grab a thesaurus. This is a writers BEST friend! Mix up your words to break up monotony.

So far i am interested in what is going to happen, so that is good. On to chapter 2

Posted 13 Years Ago

Hmm� you've captured the athletic spirit...=] You could of used more vivid words when describing, but altogether an interesting piece.

Posted 13 Years Ago

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3 Reviews
Added on July 22, 2008


lauren emily
lauren emily

Long Beach, CA

Why 'ello there! Thanks for stoppin' by. My name is Lauren (previously my screen name was TwilightReader) and I'm 16. I love writing, good food, fast cars, interesting people, cemeteries, photograp.. more..