Chapter 1 - A Broken Blade

A perfectly good day, ruined.

Ania crouched, huddled under the low hedge. The bristly needles caught her hair, and the small blue-white pebble-berries that had already fallen burst under the palms of her hands. She heard the soft footfalls on the turf a few feet off, and she slowed her breathing and relaxed the muscles in her body, trying not to make a sound.

When the shadow attached to the footfalls was close enough, she braced her feet against the stout wooden trunk of the hedge, and leapt out in a shower of green needles to tackle the grown man on the foot path.

They both tumbled to the earth in a tangle of limbs and cloth. Ania’s father, Daninite, landed on his back with an “Oof!” and tried in vain to get back onto his feet while Ania wrapped her arms around his legs, giggling with all the fervor of her eleven year old self.

Ania heard a high whistle, and moments later she felt large paws on her back, and a long moist tongue was gluing the leftover pine needles to her hair. She let go of her father’s legs, and tried to turn around to face the panting muzzle of Nama, the not-so-little puppy that was determined to lick the back of her head off.

But as soon as she let go of her father’s shins, he scrambled to his feet and turned the tables, hoisting her into the air with his long arms wrapped around her middle. Ania squirmed and laughed, trying to get free, but Daninite started tickling her ribs, and she nearly fell out of his arms. He pinned her arms to her side, laughing with her as she tried to wriggle out of his strong grip.

Eventually, Ania ran out of breath, gasping for air as her flailing limbs came to rest. “Fine. You win,” she muttered.

When she had stopped squirming, Daninite set her down. He knelt down in front of her, the edges of his long overcoat brushing the tops of the grass. He started brushing the dirt and needles from her cloths, and said, “You know your lesson was supposed to start a quarter-mark ago, don’t you?” His perpetually twinkling eyes looked up through raised eyebrows at her.

She smirked. “Of course I know, Da. Why do you think I was out here waiting for you?” Before he could say anything, she pointed at the side of the red rock wall on the east side of the house. “You always eat in the downstairs parlor, so if I’m late, you always come through that door. You always follow this path,” she said, pointing at the neatly cobbled pathway beneath their feet, “and you always stop right here, because you can see the entire lawn from here.” Ania smiled broadly. "'Know your opponent's motions better than he knows them himself.' The Art of Victory, chapter sixteen."

Daninite laughed, a deep-throated rumble. He reached up and ruffled her short, dark hair, shaking loose some of the burr-like hedge needles from their perch. "That was the assignment I gave you last night. You read it already?"

"I read it last week and you know it."

The petulant look on Ania's eleven-year-old face melted off as her father laughed again, and said, "What I know is that you really only used chapter sixteen as an excuse to stay outside a little longer."

Ania glanced sheepishly down at her feet. No matter what excuse she used, it was almost impossible to fool him. She noticed a small smudge of dirt on the toe of her boot. She tried to brush it off with the tip of the other. She avoided looking at her da. I hope he isn't upset with me... She bit her lip as she saw one of his hands come into view.

Daninite put his hand under her chin, and tilted her gaze up to meet his. A gentle smile curved his lips. "Ania, you're one of the smartest people I know. And that's saying a lot. I know you love being out here, and excuse or not, you've proven that you understand chapter sixteen, and so..." He stood, and knocked the last few needles from her hair. "I don't think we need to have a lesson on something you already know. Why don't you show me some of your knife tricks?"

Ania flung her arms around his waist, burying her face in his overcoat. Backing up, she grabbed his hand and started pulling her da towards one of the larger oak trees along the border of the yard. She got to one with a massive knot in it, and several deep stab marks clustered around the twisted bark, and stopped about twenty feet away from it. She pushed her da back a few steps so he was out of her way, and said, "By the way, Da�"they aren't tricks. Don't you pay attention?"

She flicked her wrist, and the butts of her daggers slapped into her palm. She flipped them up into the air, tossing them from hand to hand behind her back, her eyes switching between each of the dancing blades as quickly as the wings of a hummingbird. Left to right, underhand, overhand, behind the back, add a spin, and... Ania's hands blurred, and she threw the knives at the tree trunk with the force of a crossbow bolt. She pulled another pair of daggers from the tops of her leather boots, and sent them to stick only seconds after the first had thudded to a stop.

Ania smiled. The knives had landed exactly where she wanted them too�"four knives exactly the same distance away from each other, surrounding the knot in the oak tree. One last knife...

Ania drew the last knife from a belt sheath on her left leg, ready to bring it across and stick it, dead center, with her right hand, but as soon as she brought it out, she knew something was wrong. The balance was off, even the shape... But that wasn't possible. How could the balance be off? This was the exact same knife she'd used yesterday, and it had been fine...

Before she had time to do more than register the problem, the knife, off balance and spinning wildly, hit her hand, but not in a way she could catch it. A corner of the blade was bent nastily into a split burr that dragged across her palm, tearing open a thin layer of pale skin.

Ania cried out at the stinging pain, and brought her throbbing hand in to clutch it to her chest. She stared uncomprehendingly at the knife that was now imbedded into the soft dirt at her feet. She could see now that something had bent the blade, making one side split and creating the burr that had cut her.

Daninite dropped to his knees by her side, his normally smooth brow furrowed in deep concern. "Ania, are you alright? What�"" he looked down at the knife and she saw his shoulders slump. "Ah, so that's what it hit." Placing a hand in her shoulder, Daninite said quietly, "Last night, somebody threw a rock through the window of the shed. It was thrown quite hard, and so a lot of equipment was knocked to the ground off the walls, but we couldn't figure out what it collided with first. I guess it must have hit your knives.”

She avoided his gaze, staring instead at the red-beaded tear in her palm. Her finger twitched, and her whole hand stung. She brought the injured palm up to her mouth and started sucking on it. The sharp tang of blood filled her mouth, but the sting faded. She was sorry when it did. Now she didn’t have anything to distract her from the tears threatening to well up. They spilled over and she watched as big wet droplets fell to the ground. A few of them hit the tops of her boots, darkening the faded leather. She tried to concentrate on that, but soon her vision blurred.

Now she didn’t have anything to concentrate on.

Her shoulders started to shake. Staring at the blurry silver splotch on a sea of green that had been her knife, she whispered, “Those were her knives.” She clenched her uninjured fist, remembering how it had felt when her aunt had pressed the bright lengths of polished steel into her hands four years ago. She almost said, "Why did they do it?" but she knew. It was the same reason they followed her home from town, the same reason they stole her books when she left them on the benches on the edges of the lawn, the same reason she looked over her shoulder whenever she was out past dark.

Her right hand, which had decided on a dull ache, dropped down to the necklace hanging under her collar. The thumb-sized pendant hung from a twisted silver chain, and it fit snugly in her palm. The metal was cool on the torn skin. She squeezed it, and felt the imprint of a hawk's head dig into her fingers. Just because of a necklace, she thought. Just because I'm not scared of it like they are. Just because I don't hate it. Just because -

She felt her father's arms wrap around her, and she buried her face in his shoulder.

"I know, Ania. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

* * *

When Ania had calmed down, and her da had used his sleeve to dry her cheeks, and her eyes weren't quite so red and puffy anymore, Daninite backed up and looked her up and down. "You know, I don't think we need to finish your lessons today. I was going to go over chapter sixteen, but if you already understand it well enough to use it, I think I can let you off the hook." Placing his hands on her shoulders, he pushed himself upright to a standing position. Ruffling her now very messy hair, he said as he led her back towards the path where she had ambushed him, "Why don't you head down into town and see if Karra can help you fix your knife? You can stay down at the forge for as long as you want."

Ania's step picked up when he mentioned Karra. She'd been distracted enough that she'd completely forgotten about that option. She looked up at him, making sure that he was really alright with her skipping the rest of her lesson.

When he saw the look on her face, Daninite laughed and shook his head. He pushed her towards the stable lot. "Go on, Ania. And don't come back without a smile on your face!"

 

Author's Note

Here we have Chapter 1 of Draft 2. For those of you who remember, this is the story of Ania Kyatei. However, this is a LOT different than the first draft. Hopefully for the better.

My plan for updating is to update at the very beginning or end of the week (weekends or so). Currently, my plan is to have everything finished by March 31st. That's a little shaky because I'm having difficulty writing certain scenes, but I have faith.

Anyway, I would really appreciate feedback for this. Specifically, I want to know how engaging the story is. I have a lot of plans for this story, and I want it to fly. So, with this in mind:

►What did you like?
►What didn't you like?
►What was your favorite line?
►What do you want to see in the future chapters?

Reviews

[Lexi I.]

First off, I would like to commend your efforts on piecing together this book! I know just how much effort it takes to write something like this (creating everything from the characters to the plot lines and so on), and I think it's great that you're sharing it with other writers.

I did like this first chapter. It introduced readers to the main character, and it allowed us some insight into world--her father, pet, etc. I also like the mystery that you've added to this first chapter (the pendant, her aunt, etc.)

Things I didn't particularly think were useful were some of the more long-winded sentences. I don't think that you have to remove any of the detail necessarily; I think that more succinct sentences--in some instances--will do the trick. For instance, "She got to one with a massive knot in it, and several deep stab marks clustered around the twisted bark, and stopped about twenty feet away from it." --Try something like, "She moved to one with several deep scratches clustered around its twisted bark and stopped not twenty feet away." (This allows for imagery to happen, but to happen in fewer words...) *Also, someone once told me that using "got" in writing doesn't make for good writing, so I've come to pick those out and replace them with stronger verbs!

I think there are instances, here and there, where things can be "tightened" up. Depending on how serious you are about the piece, I'd be more than happy to give it all a once-over with legitimate edits. I edit as part of my job, and I like to help out if I come across serious writers.

(As for my favorite line, I can't pick one out, but I definitely like the imagery.)
In future chapters I see Ania's story unfold; perhaps she'll be an adult in later chapters, perhaps more information surrounding the mysteries will be revealed...)

Thanks for sharing!

[VassD]

Thank you so much for your review and your kind words. I definitely debated whether or not to post this, but it is definitely paying off.

I suppose that was the purpose of this chapter. I was trying my hardest to show the readers what the world was and who she was without boring the royal crap out of anyone. I'm glad you liked it.

Long sentences are a problem for me. I'm trying to work on them. I'll see if I can trim those in the revision. And thanks for the tip on verbs- I'll watch for them.

As for how serious I am, this is actually a project I plan on submitting for publishing. Official publishing, not self- or indie-publishing. So I would love it for someone to go over this for me, but not at this exact moment in time. If I let myself revise this chapter now, I'll never get the manuscript done. When I get it done, if you're still willing, I would absolutely adore you forever.

And thank you for your wonderful comments!

-Vass

[Lexi I.]

Anytime, I'd be more than happy to help!

[Nik]

I only read the first half of it (srry), so here is my feedback.
The story has stuff happening, which is good, and it is quite enjoyable in general. I like the scenes you paint, of a little girl jumping out on her father and giggling and so on.

Here is my criticism:
- To start off with you have the girl in a bush, and you make her do a lot of over-complicated things that confuse the reader. You don't know what she is doing until after she has jumped out of the bush, where you then have to stop and think for a moment.

- Next, you try to put too much detail in. You do a great job of keeping the story flowing, most writers just put in lots of descriptions, but here we learn things while things happen. But you throw in problematic details. Like while we are seeing things from the girls perspective, and she is giggling, you say -"giggling with all the fervor of her eleven year old self"- giggling with fervor is great, but she wouldn't think about herself being eleven years old, but not only is not so relevant, the fact is you had already thrown in a lot of detail into that sentence.
There was some of these details that seemed out of place in the story. I'm not saying they should be completely gone, but they don't fit in where you put them.
Here is another example "tried to turn around to face the panting muzzle of Nama", Not only can she not see Nama, nor would she think of the not-so-little puppy and muzzle licking the back of her head, but that sentence was overloaded (very long) when she doesn't even manage to get a look at the dog.
I dont think you will ever understand this. I can easily imagine you thinking that these sentences are great and necessary for the story, i dont think i can explain it any better.

- Daninite... what kind of long strange f*****g name is that !? =)

Even though there wasnt much drama/suspense in the part that i read, it was still enjoyable to read. So once again, great job, and your flow on the story is really good.

[VassD]

Hey, thanks for your review. :)

I started with the bush thing on purpose, partially to make something at least mildly intriguing happen within the first few paragraphs, and also to show what kind of person Ania is (when she's comfortable, she gets really light-hearted and plays jokes like that. It was also to show some part of her intelligence - she planned the whole thing out). I have had a few people read it, and they seemed understand where I was going with it, but I know that they have similar thought processes to me, so I can see how it might not explain itself as well to others. Do you have any suggestions on how I could clarify it? I don't want to drop it completely because of what it lends to the character development.

Yeah, another friend mentioned the heavy details. I'm not sure what to do about the dog, because she drops off the face of the earth, but the fact that Ania has a dog comes into play later with another character. Some of the strong details have to do with the fact that I'm working on making individual POV's unique from one another, and Ania is extremely observant, but I can see how it would be over-the-top at times. I'll take a look at those parts and see how I can trim them down. Don't worry - I'm not too attached to my prose in that way. I can take criticism. :)

A lot of the names in this novel are a little more intricate because of their culture. I made the name up a few years ago, and I decided to keep it because it sounded calm and kind, which is what he is. I try to have the names reflect the characters as much as possible, but because of consistency with the culture and the names I've already chosen, that's why they get a little intricate.

Alright. Thanks so much for your review. If you get a chance to finish this portion, let me know. I hope you continue to read it. :D

[Nik]

For the opening bush scene, what i would suggest is simply to make it a bit easier to understand. You can use easier language or trim down on the details. There were some things that i didnt understand or took me away from the story-
"she braced her feet against the stout wooden trunk of the hedge" isnt she under the hedge?
"and relaxed the muscles in her body" She slowed her breathing to be quiet, that part was good, the muscles in her body seemed kind of strange. Also when you are trying to be quiet and about to jump out on someone you would be the opposite, very tense.
The berries bursting in her palms. Its easy to misunderstand, it makes you automatically imagine her bursting berries in her hands rather than splattering the ones on the ground.

These were the things that i had issues with, so it is up to you =)
Good luck.

[Nik]

The name is fine of course, just very strange and long =)

[VassD]

Alright. I'll take a look at it and see if I can clarify it. Thank you for your comment. :)
read moreAlright. I'll take a look at it and see if I can clarify it. Thank you for your comment. :)

-Vass