Tea Girl And Kettle Lad In: Unfair Fanfare

Tea Girl And Kettle Lad In: Unfair Fanfare

A Story by Nitsua

Tea Girl and Kettle Lad are a hero-side kick duo. Sounds cool, right? Well... Tea Girl is pretty clumsy and a self proclaimed " Failure At Life " while Kettle Lad is obsessed with glamour and fashion.

It was a warm Autumns day in Dortopolis, home to about 5000 or so people. The sun was setting as crickets began to sing songs of the night. But that’s not all that was buzzing, for deep on JeStreet the sound of an alarm was going off. Though Dortopolis was for the most part, a peace loving city, there’s always bad apples in every orchard. It was the Discrimination brothers, Treko and Warza! Dressed completely in signs, ranging from “ no dogs aloud “ to “ you must be this tall to ride “ these dastardly villains knew not the words of fairness or equal opportunity.  They even had a “ super heroes need not apply “ covering their waists, the fiends! Holding up a bank was their manner of evil today. 

“ Gives us all the money, blonds aren’t allowed to have money “ Said Treko, standing not even a dollars length between his partner in crime. 
“ Yeah brunettes too! As a matter of fact, no one with hair can have money! “ said Warza, both of their heads shining in the reflection of the lights. They held Do Not Enter signs as a means of threatening the bankers, it glowed with powerful energy. If activated, the victim would not be able to enter places they enjoyed even in the slightest, oh the humanity!

The bankers started to put the money into the bag, thousands upon thousands of dollars flooding into it at a time. When they were through, they handed the bag to the brothers, who were so covered in assorted paper that it was if they were glued to each other. They smiled and walked away, but not before zapping the bankers with the sign, teleporting them out of the bank and onto the street, falling on their bottoms. The brothers then crawled over the desk and began scavenging for whatever else they could find.  

A young woman and… man? Er herm. A young woman and man were walking down the street, The woman was dressed in attire similar to the days of old, with a new age twist to it. Her hair in buns… wait a second, that’s not buns... is that a teapot on her head? How is that even possible? Anyway, teapot bun hybrids on her head and tea stains on her dress. Little tea pots by her side in holsters She was known none other as Tea Girl! Her sidekick followed slowly behind, looking into a compact mirror as she…. okay apparently that is a guy.  Looking into a compact mirror as HE did HIS makeup and fixed his hair. Goodness what is it with young people these days? Regardless, he wore what seemed to be a gown fused with a long sleeve shirt as his outfit. He’s just the sidekick, so we won’t bother describing him too much. He is Kettle Lad

The crime fighting duo was patrolling the streets before nightfall when they spotted 2 women, a blond and a brunette starting to stand up, rubbing their rumps as if they were injured. Tea Girl noticed them first as ran to their aide, Kettle Lad however, well, he heard someone advertising perfume samples and ran 3 times as fast in the opposite direction. Nice job pretty boy.

“ Are you 2 alright? “ Tea Girl asked as she caught her breath with concern to the well being of the 2 women. 
“ I would love to say yes but… We just got robbed, and are still being robbed actually, we work inside the bank over there and the Discrimination Brothers held us up at sign point and took a lot of money. They used their super weapon to kick us out of our own bank, which we really like, and we landed out here, mostly unharmed but saddened. “ Cried the Brunette. 

“ Don’t worry, I’ll take care of them. “ Tea Girl shouted with pride, getting ready to deliver an epic speech. The Blond cut her off before she could even begin with the words “ There’s no time for heroic speeches you need to go stop those villainous leeches! “ 
“ Nice rhyme, don’t you agree Kettle La--.... -_-: “ Tea Girl noticed that Kettle Lad was gone being a fruitcake. “ Well looks like it’s up to me “ she said sighing as she dashed towards the bank, Kettle Lad intoxicated by the scent of the amazing perfumes he’ll never be able to afford blocks away. 

Tea Girl had never stopped bank robbers before, especially of the caliber of the discrimination brothers. Though nervous, she treked onwards, arriving at said bank and busting the doors open, or at least trying to. They were automatic. 
Embarrassed, Tea Girl’s pot on the top of her head started to steam a little in frustration, she was losing her cool. Trying to regain her composure, she pointed at the brothers and made her long awaited speech.
“ Evil Doers of Dortopolis beware, I am the Lipton which is served in the hallways of kings, the Earl Grey butlers serve their masters in the morning in Anime, the mildly hot herbal which is poured upon the heads of those who refuse to wake up. I Am Tea Girl and by the symphony of steaming kettles your plans will be evaporated!!!111one “ Tea Girl put her hands to her hips and stomped her foot, a secret department in her dress shoes opened up as a squirtgun’s power worth of tea jetted out about 3 inches, 97 away from hitting her target! 

Treko and Warza looked at each other, then back at Tea Girl, then to the bag of money, then back to Tea Girl, then out the window to see Kettle Lame STILL trying on perfume, then yet again back to Tea Girl before they started laughing hysterically. 
At the same time they spoke in unison, like creepy twins from a Stephen Duke book:
“ You have to be kidding us little girl, leave right now or we’ll transport you out of the city, far far away. Don’t you know there’s no losers aloud around us? “
Tea Girl started to get angry that her really well written entry was laughed at. Sure, the spy movie-esq tea squirter in shoe thing was pretty silly, but the shoes were on sale because usually there are knives in them. And yeah, her dog, who is much more useful than Kettle Lad bit a hole in her shoe, but said dog is still more useful than pretty boy.

“ Okay narrator you can stop now “ Said Tea Girl, the brothers looking confused as to who she was talking to as she grew even more frustrated at the discrimination, not only towards her by the brothers but by the narrator, who just so happens to be me, constant backlash towards Kettle Lad. What? He has no room to use any sort of male pronoun with how he acts. It was just how I was raised. Sue me. 

The steam from her bun grew larger and larger, hovering towards Treko and Warza as Tea Girl grew upset more fed up even further. The brothers, who had no words for what was going on, waved bye to Tea Girl and started heading out the back door. Tea Girl had enough of this, and pulled out her Tea Gun and started to charge forward so she could get in range to drench them with scalding sweet tea. The brothers remembered their threat and held up their sign, yelling “ did you forget “ and a beam of green energy struck Tea Girl, as she disappeared in a haze of smoke.
“ We tried to tell her that no losers were aloud and that she shouldn’t take one more step, I guess people don’t listen to the rules of their elders anymore. 
Then suddenly, a jet stream of caffeinated and sweetened lava struck the bag of money, melting it into a puddle of gloop. Tea Girl was still there, though closing her eyes and coughing due to the smoke of the blast. The brothers who stood shoulder to shoulder could not believe their eyes. Their discrimination power had no effect on Tea Girl.
“ How are you not over the mountain by now kid? “ Said Treko, as Warza mourned over the lost money. With her eyes still closed, but regaining her breath, Tea Girl explained:
“ You fools! I actually do not particularly care for this city! Me and Kettle Lad are moving to the country to own a farm once the time is right. Your power only forbids people from being in places they enjoy, you try to discriminate against perfectly fine people because they are different from you and keep them from what they enjoy. But not on my watch! Now cower in fear as I....” Tea Girl lost all momentum as she opened her eyes, seeing that she had not hit the targets, but instead what she was trying to return back to its rightful place.  Collapsing to her knees she pounded the ground, Treko and Warza laughing in her despair. This was the final straw for Tea Girl, she had not only failed to defeat the brothers, but also destroyed what she was trying to save, the money. 

Steam erupted from her buns as she started to mope, clouding the room with the thick gas. It was so thick that it started to leak into the streets, catching the non helpful sidekick’s attention. 
“ Oh a sauna, it will be good for my complexion,  Kettle Lad spoke, in an accent so flamboyant I had to use subtitles to even know what he was saying. Sigh…
The steam started to cause pain to the discriminating duo, not by the heat directly, but what the heat was doing to their bodies. They screamed, but not in pain.
Kettle Lad had arrived, but he was disappointed that it was just a bank and not a spa. Before leaving he heard his miles more successful partner than him yelling out of anger. Clapping his hands a device fell from his skirt shirt thingy… I don’t even want to know. It was a vacuum of sorts, and he picked it up and turned it on. The steam was sucked up rapidly by the device, revealing a fuming hot Tea Girl and the discrimination brothers crying. 

Kettle Lad rushed over to the far more important…
“ Now listen here Entity of wordplay.” Said the sissy boy, the only way to transcribe what he was saying was by the subtitles, sponsored by Hilltop Jew, your #1 green drink.
Kettle Lad screamed and clapped his hands, a… oh god it’s a script book.
“As you can see here “ he said, opening the book to page 36, it being covered in terrible handwriting, how could he call himself a writer?
“AS YOU CAN SEE HERE” he cried,” the plot of this episode is more of a pilot of sorts. The Discrimination brothers are the main villains, but I also have it to where you, the narrator is also an antagonist. After Tea Girl defeats the brothers, I snap and give you a mouth full, or I guess eye full, can’t help that I’m so glamorous, darling. You get replaced by someone with an extremely similar writing style and humor, but cuts out all the Kettle Lad hate, or in a better term, discrimination, at the end of this and for all other future short stories. The lesson is then taught that you shouldn’t get down on someone, even if they are yourself, just because said individual is different, and to treat everyone equally. “ Kettle Lad then claps and a giant pair of scissors drops out of what seems to be a void under his gown. He takes the scissors and snaps the air, killing my hatred towards him and his fabulous self and continuing on with the story. 

“ Okay everyone! “ He says flamboyantly “ continue with the show, I’ll be dancing over here poorly singing dramatic closing music. “

Tea Girl’s emotions started to simmer down as she smiled, she got back up on her own 2 feet, gave Kettle Lad a thumbs up, and directed her gaze at the brothers, who were surprisingly not standing next to each other. Their faces were not full of hatred but of… relief. 

“ Nice to see you guys split apart I guess, couldn’t handle the heat I take it? “ The brothers got down on their knees and cried, not only of sorrow, but of jow as well.

“ Thank you Tea Girl, your steam caused the glue between us to melt, finally freeing us from each other. Long ago, we were just wee little kids, playing with glue. One day we got stuck together and people made fun of us ever since. We couldn’t do anything without the other person being right next to each other., and it caused us to be frowned upon by others. Dates, day to day chores, even going out in public we got funny stares and were…  “ they both gulped “ discriminated against. We were drove to a life of negativity and crime, if we couldn’t be happy, no one could. But now… we are free and it’s all thanks you! “

Tea Girl smiled, but then frowned again saying“ I’m so going to jail with you guys because I melted all the money “ 

“ Not to worry, we have a debt to pay to you and society! We will work hard to earn back all that money” they said, nodding.

“ Thank you so much! “ Tea Girl rejoiced, her anxiety dwindling down to microscopic levels. 

It was about Midnight now, the police department taking away the reformed brothers to a, not jail cell, but wide open plains to repay their debt. 

Tea Girl and Kettle Lad were walking the streets, tired, exhausted, but very satisfied with the work they did today.
“ You know Kettle Lad “ Tea Girl said with a smile on her face “ I was really nervous at first, but that wasn’t so bad at all. Sure I accidentally destroyed the money, but I also accidentally change 2 guys down on their luck’s lives for the better. I’m pretty happy about that! “
Kettle Lad, who was wanting to get home as soon as possible so he could go into his pink fuzzy bath robes, pulled out a brush and started pampering his hair, simply saying:
“ Not the first time you really changed someone’s life for the better “ he giggled at the subliminal messaging.
“ What do you mean by that? “ Tea Girl said, a confused look on her face.
“ Oh nothing “ the fabulous man said, looking up at the moon with a smile on his face.

The dynamic duo walked into the night together, another obstacle crossed…

But seriously last thing about this, and this is outta complete curiosity, where did he get that gown shirt fusion?

© 2016 Nitsua

Author's Note

All feedback is appreciated! When it comes to literature I really only have a 7th grade education I suppose ( long story ) so any advice is good advice!

My Review

Would you like to review this Story?
Login | Register

Share This
Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Added on February 21, 2016
Last Updated on February 21, 2016
Tags: hero, comedic, romantic, funny, dramatic, tea, kettle, life lessons, cute



Hot Springs, AR

Hello, I'm Austin, age 21 from Arkansas. I'm ashamed to say that I'm not exactly the best writer, my grammar isn't top notch and my punctuation is subpar, but I have a lot of ideas I would love to sha.. more..