Dead Can Dance

     The curtains danced with the winter wind. The bedroom was swallowed in darkness but a few candles half dead melting on the nightstand. The shadows monsters were eating the pale pink walls. Despite the cold wind blowing, the remaining candles were still fighting, burning alone their lives away.

    

     The wood in the chimney had consume itself while the sun had set, stopping the shadows monsters from dancing to the rhytme of the crackling fire.

     

     Life seemed to have left with the soft melody, but still breathing, a little girl remained in her bed. Some snow flakes entered the room, flaying around to slowly melt on the feverish skin of the little girl. 

     

     Once her long and wavy hair were as golden bright as the sun, full of life and wild by nature. The colour had passed, their strength had gone, leaving them straight and dim. The little girl's proudest gift had been falling out and breakably dry as straw. 

     Her older sister was kneeling down on the floor, by her side. She could feel the sickness eating her own body, as her brown chocolate hair were falling on her chaulders. She was watching her future death trough her sister, what would become of her, what she would go through - slow and painful death. 

  "Will we go to the park tomorrow?" the little girl asked, her voice fadding like vapour. 

     Anne knew. She knew her sister wouldn't survive until dawn. A new day, a new death. Holding the tears from drowning her pale visage, she nodded. Maybe, she hoped, that by saying yes, God would give Suzanne a chance to celebrate her soon 6th birthday. 

     Suzanne felt the dishonesty of her 4-years-older-sister, but she still wanted to hear the tale of a tomorrow that she would never live again. 

  "Yes, tomorrow I'll take you to the parc," Anne started to narrate the adventure of a beautiful myth, "and we will picnic under the shade of the oak tree, by the river. The birds will sing again for us and the wind will play with our dresses and make our hair go wild like the fire." 

     While telling the story, Anne felt herself get carried away by her own lie, forgetting Death patiently patiently, sat by her sister 's side. 

  "Will mum be there?" Suzanne asked softly. Waiting a few seconds before answering, Anne searched in sister's eyes what answer she was looking for. 

  "Yes," she finally said crying, "she will be there." 

  "But then...you won't be there with us?" 

  "No sweetheart, I will not be there..." 

     Tears started to roll on Suzanne's burning red cheeks. 

  "But I'll join you soon," Anne wishpered grabbing her sister's hand and holing it near her face, "I promise." 

     Anne cringed in utter terror as she watched Death approach her sister and claim her. A forshadowing of things to come for Anne and, eventually, each and every one of us.

     Suzanne's tighly closed hand was slowly relieving the tension, revealing a cross necklace, allowing it to fall silenty on the floor.

Author's Note

I just wrote this short story.. I still need to check the grammar and to improve it, but I wanted to know what you think of it for now.

Thanks to Dean Kuch for helping improving this draft.

Reviews

[Danielle E Lynn]

Definate potential. It paints a picture and makes you care for the girls. I want to see more but it needs editing.

[Dil Coeur]

I think it is good for a first draft. I definitely want to know more, like what made everybody sick and maybe what time period this takes place in. I do like where this is headed, though.

[marie]

the acceptance of her own death shines brightly through in the girls characters they do not try to fight it nor regret it i love that they imagine a new perfect world together where they can play and be with their family

[Kes]

Very eery... I really like this. I've always had a morbid fascination with my own mortality, so I suppose that's part of the appeal. That and the fact that it's a well thought-out and well-written story, of course. :)
Great work.
K

[Dean Kuch®]

You just know that Anne cringed in utter terror as she watched Death approach her sister and claim her. A forshadowing of things to come for Anne and, eventually, each and every one of us.
As you've stated, this is a first draft. But once you tweek it and perfect it, you're really going to have something special here.
Great start...

[Autumn]

Really love the way you turned the sentence out! Would you mind me changing it to that one? Yes, first draft so not edited at all.. I usually wait a few days before starting to edit it, to have another view on it and be in a different mood too.

[Dean Kuch®]

No, I wouldn't mind at all. Just give me
a little 'nod' in the authors notes, lol! :)
Great story...

[Autumn]

Sure thing! :) if you have any ideas to improve this piece let me know, i'd be glad to add your name to it!

[Dean Kuch®]

A collaboration, of sorts? I'd love that, but I'm afraid I'd take such a tenderly spooky ghost story and transform it into something far more dark and sinister. However, if I think of anything, I'll be sure to toss it your way!

[Autumn]

I wouldn't mind at all! Actually i would love to transform it in an even darker and sinister style!

[Dean Kuch®]

Maybe you ought to take a gander at my profile and my works before you make such a statement.lol!read moreMaybe you ought to take a gander at my profile and my works before you make such a statement.lol!

http://www.writerscafe.org/PlasmaSprayer

I especially like the tender nature of the piece. It has a soothing quality to it that I find remarkable...

[Autumn]

I have read your word, that's why i made such a statment :P i really like the way you write.

[Dean Kuch®]

I appreciate that. I like the way you write too. ( Couldn't help but think of the 1996 movie, SLING BLADE, and the exchange between Carl Childers and Frank as they sat on the porch of Frank's Moms house...Frank: " I like the way you talk", and Carl responds, ..."Well. I like the way YOU talk.")
Sorry, I digress...

[Autumn]

Hahaha, true! Well in any case if you are interested let me know, if not any time you see where i could improve just let me know too :)

[Barbara Walker]

This is sweet and sad. Great for a first draft. I would love to read it after you have finished with it.

[Brittany]

I think you've got something here. A good start. Not sure where you are going to go with it, but I like your writing.

[Autumn]

For now i just wanted to write a short piece, i wrote it in a few minutes not knowing myself where it was going to lead me :) I still need to think about what i'll do with it. Thank you for you review! I really appreciate it

[Marie]

This is a sad, but very good story. I sense a larger story behind it; you might want to expand on this a little...or perhaps it's best to leave it to the reader's imagination.

[Autumn]

Thank you :) really appreciate your review! I was thinking about expanding it actually.

[Pax]

its really sad, a good story of innocence slipping away to death. wonderful..