The night.

You know what's sexy? A real conversation!

I met this girl in a breezy night

and only two of us were in the pretty bight.

Nothing else to do, we settled to talk

and I was impressed by the one wearing a smock.

We started with the question, 'So,what's your Story'

and I must say next few hours were hallucinatory.

I shared my triumphs, heartbreaks and philosophy,

all the time she gazed on my eyes with a curiosity.

Her story was just as sublime as her deep eyes;

and we saw how zippy time flies!

she had battles,joy and sorrow

but went through them to be ready for tomorrow.

There's nothing more tempting than a lively eye,

which tells stories with passion and not intending to pry.

we had a conversation which went beyond normal,

in few hours we shared something as long as a novel.

Here two gypsies were cuddling their worlds

and learning that love can be sweet and bold.

The best thing was coming into terms

that romance and love are entirely different forms.

For an other one looking at the two

it was nothing but love all the way through

Indeed it was so for us, we would say

but wholly in a different divine way

When it was dawn and time to part

she held my hand and touched my heart

told I wanted to do all this physically

but what we had touched my being unlikely

We walked in two different ways

with a love and heart strongly brazed.

If a talk can make us see life like this

how profound a life we can live with nothing but bliss

LOVE...

Author's Note

with love...

Reviews

[ms. understood]

This might just be one of the best poems I have read on this site. My favorite conversations to have are those you go into not expecting much from but leave with a change in thought and good vibrations. This connection is one we all seek in another, whether friendly or romantic. Lovely write, Vin!

[Vin]

Aww!! Thank you so much! Yeah I've had many of 'em. It is amazing how much we have to contribute to each other. Hope we'll also have some.

Good luck!

[Lea Sheryn]

Beautifully stated. Talking is the best way for two people to get to know each other. We often forget to do it but, oh how wonderful when we do take those moments to talk!

[Kaede16]

The rhyme is almost as playful as the encounter described. Happy to live such an experience through your words

[augustus]

Excellent writing. I really did enjoy that!

[DAH]

A fine and unexpected conversation, especially with a person we do not know,
is the essence of excitement in life, and when they lead to romance, then BONUS!

Nicely played, Vin!

[Onlyme]

Profound connections we can meet in the blink of an eye from a stranger and start to talk and then the connection deepens and expands and we learn so much about each other as the time passes. And the feeling of maybe deja vu might come into the horizon thinking you belong together as one soul, mind and heart. As your psyche is on fire. But sadly as the end comes nearer to say goodnight. They leave and walk away. But touched you forever that you will never ever forget that meeting or encounter with them.

[Scarlet]

I love how you describe her gaze as curious. The rhymes don't seem for forced to me. I like how they go together. I can imagine the characters sharing their life stories. "Here two gypsies were cuddling their worlds." I love that. The process of getting to know each other reminds me of the tough times they've endured, but its also sweet because they're open with each other. I think you did a great job.

[Reianna Jewel]

This touched me, it's beautifully written and simply sweet. The connection that a person feels after meeting someone for the first time is usually hard to describe, but you did it perfectly. Great write!

[Talia]

That was so sweet and so beautiful! Something simple and common can create the greatest bliss.
”she held my hand and touched my heart.” is my favorite line.
I love this!

Great write Vin :)

[Li]

This poem captures the beautiful, exciting yet scary feelings that comes of meeting a new person that we know we're falling for!! Great job Vin!!

[JayG]

You did ask...

You're forcing the line endings to the needs of the rhyme. But the beauty, or the novelty, or the humor, or... of the thought being expressed, isn't related to the fact that you could make two words rhyme.

And the fact that you're trying to do that, and use words because they rhyme in the same general theme, led you to squash together things that are unrelated. So...

• I met this girl in a breezy night ...4 feet iambic
In L1 you mention the fact that the night was "breezy." Did that have anything to do with the thought, or the girl. No.

• and only two of us were in the pretty bight. ... 5 feet iambic
Here, you establish that the two people were alone on either a section of coastline or a loop of rope. But lots of people don't know the word at all, or only in relation to such things as tying "a bowline on a bight."

• Nothing else to do, we settled to talk ... 6 feet trochaic
L3 tells us of action taken.

• and I was impressed by the one wearing a smock. ... 5 feet iambic
This is where you really begin forcing the line to the needs of the rhyme. The pair is talking and the speaker isn't impressed by what she says, but by her wearing a smock? What connection is there between what was said and how she was dressed? None. But...you needed a rhyme so...

• We started with the question, 'So,what's your Story' ...5 feet iambic
L5, the start of S2, is informational and sets up the subject of conversation. But S1L1 established that the first line of a stanza is iambic with four feet. So this doesn't track so far as prosody.

• and I must say next few hours were hallucinatory. ...iambic 6 feet

The number of feet match S1L2, yes, but that line was trochaic and this is iambic. So again, a prosody problem.

But forget that. because "hallucinatory" means "relating to false sense perception," which is NOT what you meant, or what the other lines say. So this line makes no sense. But...you needed a rhyme, so.
- - - -
Here's the thing: if you're going to rhyme you can't simply find a word that matches the ending syllable of some previous line. And in any case, rhymed couplets, which is what you're using are always in danger of giving a "rocking-horse" feel of "Ta-dum, Ta-dum, Ta-dum, Ta-dum... to the poem—especially in a longer poem.

The the rhyme shouldn't be the thud of a drum, it's an accent to the line, never the purpose of it. And the chosen word should fit the thought so well that the rhyme seems almost accidental, because no other word makes the point so well.

There's a LOT more to structured poetry that is apparent from reading, just as there is to fiction. So some time spent looking into WHY poetry is so powerful, and enduring, and what causes it to resonate with the reader, is time well spent because it will make your own work stronger.

Your reader wants to borrow your imagination, and be moved to say, "I wish I'd thought of that," or, "What an interesting way of looking at it." They want you to move them, emotionally. And that takes a lot more than intent, and a pure heart. It takes the tricks that have been developed over centuries—tricks you can appropriate and make use of. As Wilson Mizner famously observed, “If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from two, its research.”

So do a bit of research. And start with the excerpt on Amazon for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. It's a really good introduction to structured poetry, and why it works.

I recommend that excerpt to all writers, because he points out things most of us never notice about our language.