A Chapter by Vin


This wasn’t supposed to happen to girls like me. It was supposed to be a buxom blonde with a bright white soul, or an innocent child who suddenly matures into a heroine in a flash of blinding light. Not me.

I am not a beautiful damsel in distress whose prince swoops in out of the night to save me. I’m not a wide-eyed girl whose naivety makes her gorgeous. I am plain, almost ugly.

I cut my hair to just below my ears because it knotted too much when I left it long, and it always sticks out in tiny spikes that make me look windblown. I have unremarkable eyes in a plain face. I’m skinny and flat, flat, flat. So, obviously somebody got the wrong messenger, because this was not supposed to happen to someone like me.

But it did.

He was ethereal in his perfection as he grasped my arm tightly. His face was narrow, but in a very good way, and his features are something impressed on my memory. I wanted to reach out and stroke his brow, to see if he was really there, if I was just imagining the pressure on my arm. I wanted to hold him close to me and for his arms to wrap around me.

Something in his faultless eyes stopped me from doing this, from reaching out to him. They were cool and dispassionate, the eyes of a being not of my own kind. Yet, behind them, there was a fire that blazed dimly and illuminated them. They were dark but light was behind them, confusing my senses.

He leaned forward and breathed in deeply by my neck, making a sweet sound of bliss. My breath froze in me and I tried to not smell good, almost urged my pores to create a terrible smell to mask whatever he found pleasing. He pulled his face in front of mine and I lost all desire to make him leave. He was so perfect…

He cocked his head slightly and said softly, “I do not desire a bloody kiss. There’s no need to fear that.”

Peering at my face intently, as though studying something written there, his mouth twitched into a very small grin. “But that does not mean you do not have to fear me.”

I sucked in a small breath at his words and jerked my head back from his hypnotizing face.

His hand moved slowly forward, almost hesitantly. Careful not to touch my face, he brushed my sweaty bangs away from my eyes. He looked thoughtful. “You should not hide your eyes from me,” he whispered, his breath sweet, like roses. “I wish to see your every emotion from now on. You cannot hide from me behind anything or anyone, now that I have found you.”

Then he was gone and a gust of wind was the only trail left by his passage. I slumped down the wall he had pushed me against, numb from shock. I gingerly touched my arm where he had grasped it, my sleeve was cold to the touch. It was very sore so I would have to move carefully for the rest of the day, as not to hurt it any worse.

I was outside my school in the darkness of early morning in autumn, just outside the entrance. It was dimly lit by yellowish lights on the side of the brick building, and eerie in the pre-dawn shadow. Were it not for the ache in my arm, I would not have believed it had really happened. I wouldn’t believe it if someone else had told me about it, for sure. I hardly believed my own memory.

I hitched my backpack higher on my shoulder and rose unsteadily to my feet. I tried to brush the dirt off my uniform, but it clung to my skirt stubbornly. I sighed and reached into a front pocket on my bag and pulled out my decrepit old phone. First period had already started ten minutes ago.

A small whoosh of wind tumbled by and I looked around me for the strange figure, but he was not there. Part of me was relieved, but a smaller, less rational part felt sad at this discovery. Muted orange leaves skittered dryly across the ground, making me jump.

I leaned wearily against the wall and wiped the sweat from my brow. It was cold outside, and I could see my breath, but I didn’t want to go to English and listen to Mr. Harvaroski’s lectures. I didn’t want to even see Kardana High that day.

My navy skirt flapped weakly around my knees, but it was a bitter wind with winter riding on it’s back. It was time to start wearing turtlenecks under my vest again, a plain dull white, like all the undershirts were. Wearily I tucked my phone back in its pocket and opened the door to the school.

I was greeted with a warm gush of air that brought out the pink from the outdoor chill to my cheeks. I walked briskly down the tiled halls, my black dress shoes echoing with every step I took. Fearfully, I looked around to see if a hall monitor would hear me and write me up.

I managed to reach my classroom without incident and slipped silently in. If I was lucky, attendance wouldn’t have been sent down yet and I might not get caught. Luck never lasts forever. Mr. H spied me and gave me a stern look over his glasses, his arms crossed over his expanding stomach. He returned to his lesson as I slipped quietly as I could to the back of the room where I sat alone.

He rambled on but I didn’t hear a word he was saying, off in my own world. Mr. H clapped his hands together in a puff of chalk dust and announced our homework in a self-important voice. I hastily turned the pages to the front of my notebook and scribbled down what he said.

Our school couldn’t afford marker boards and had to make do with ‘ancient’ chalk, and so consequently there was always a light dusting of the stuff on the floor. The janitors never seemed to be able to mop it up, because it was still there the next day.

The day passed on much like my first class had, there, but not really there. The bus took me home and dropped me at the end of my driveway, gasping away in puffs of smoke and exhaust.

I let myself into the house and fell onto my bed in a heap of books and person, cradling a pillow in my arms. What a strange day it was. I unsnapped my tight vest (not that it did anything for my figure) a let it fall away from me with a grateful breath. I headed downstairs and out to the coatroom to go for a walk. I slipped off my shoes and put on some soft sneakers instead, not bothering to grab a coat as I headed out.

Carefully, I locked the door behind me and tucked my keys back into their pocket on my skirt. It smelled so good outside, a sort of smell that only autumn has. A mixture of crisp leaves, light showers and sunshine with cut grass. I breathed in deeply, closing my eyes to enjoy the air. Lightly I walked over the grass to the back yard and lay on my back to look at the golden sunlight stream through the maple leaves as they turned crimson and orange.

I thought of him as I looked up at the sky and rested my hands on my stomach. He was so strange, but so intriguing…

A piece of hair tickled my nose and I opened my eyes abruptly. I hadn’t realized I had fallen asleep.

“Did you rest well?”

I turned my head to the left, unbelieving but positive that it was him again. He was lying next to me with his hands laced neatly underneath his head, looking solemnly at the darkening sky.

Without looking away he spoke quietly, “You were there for quite some time.”

My mouth was open in shock. He had known where my house was, where I went to school. What else did he know?

He looked at me then and I couldn’t look away. “Many things,” he said disconcertingly, “Alula.”

He gazed at the sky again and I leapt to my feet backing away from the strange person. “You don’t say much do you?” he inquired mildly.

Ire rising at his words I found my tongue. “How-”

“Did I know your name?” he said placidly, “I chose you, therefore I must know you.” He looked at me again, freezing me to the spot. “You were not chosen arbitrarily, Alula. I never do anything without reason.”

His strange eyes returned to the sky, almost as if I was not there. His mane of lustrous black hair framed his pale face, fanned about it haphazardly. He was so tall and elegant, yet his clothes lacked anything resembling this. It was a simple black sweater and plain dress slacks, yet on him they appeared to have been made for a king.

A faint glow seemed to radiate off his exposed skin, adding to his otherworldly appearance. He was so flawless, lying there, that I wanted to lie next to him and never leave his side.

His eyes were upon me again and I looked away, realizing that I had been staring, blushing at my thoughts. Then again, he had come to my house uninvited, but still. “What…are you?” I said, looking meekly into those foreign eyes.

“I am yours.”

I shook myself and stared at him again, trying to glean meaning from his words.

He was on his feet before me then, now looking down at me. “I must go,” he said simply.

And I was alone once more.

© 2010 Vin

My Review

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I would have to say this chapter was half good, half bad. The bad because, apart from the dudes attitude and the term "bloody kiss" (nice btw), it really was nothing new to read. I'm going to assume he is a vampire ("bloody kiss", neck facination, physical beauty, etc.) But I've read these traits a thousand times; god-like appearance, mind reading (if that's what you were getting at), the speed. And, I'm not implying you copied, but almost the exact same backyard scene happened in twilight (only without Edward showing up). There were a few misspellings here or there, but nothing too brutal.
On the bright side...! You explained it very well and used words and phrases that kept me interested without making me think I needed a dictionary, or making me feel like I'm reading some tweeny book. There first part before school was very captivating and made we want to read more like that, and the guy seems like a character that I want to learn all about, and learn what he meant at the ending. You are really a great writer, this just seems like a challenging plot that will needs some origionality (which you can do :D)
Sorry if this seemed bad, but it was really only meant as constructive critism :)

Posted 12 Years Ago

great job in the chapter. pretty good so far ill keep reading now

Posted 12 Years Ago

Only nit was that you need to indent your paragraphs. Other than that the flow was nice and the imagery was well placed. I would advise against using the -ly adverb in dialogue attribution.

Posted 12 Years Ago

I will have to read on. This seems like it will be a good story.

Posted 12 Years Ago

I am determined to give this thing a chance. I really hate it when an author makes a point of making their main character ordinary and then having something spectacular happen to them, but that's probably my Twilight bias coming through. If nothing else though, your girl has more personality than Bella and this guy is at least a bigger jerk than Edward, so that's a step in the right direction.

Judging it on its own merits, first impressions are good. Your writing is curt and often simply to the point, but effective and mostly clean. Your description of what I will assume is an angel early on is a little shaky, but I forgive that. This feels real, and that's a million points in your favour already.

I can't exactly say I'm hooked, because I'm not, but your writing is good enough for me to continue.

Posted 12 Years Ago

Wonderful use of characters:) A great piece of writing and leaves me wanting to read more! xx

Posted 12 Years Ago

Very good on this chapter. I think you did a great job.

Posted 12 Years Ago

I really enjoyed this I used to feel that way.
In paragraph one. I like this you did an amazing job writing this.
I like the detail, imagery and characters. very well written.

Posted 12 Years Ago

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8 Reviews
Shelved in 1 Library
Added on April 27, 2010
Last Updated on May 11, 2010



United Kingdom

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