You Faded Away

 

Tears beating against the ground,

turning heads from all around.

Sidewalk completely covered in blood,

one last heartbeat, one last thud.

There he lays, where everyone can see,

but few people fall to his side on their knees.

Looking down at his face so pale,

it can't be over, no, you can't bail!

Begging, please, you can't leave,

I need you, why can't anyone see?

Your hand so cold, as you let go,

you want to speak but can't let us know.

Bullets shatter every fiber in my mind,

blood soaking through your shirt and running out of time.

Gasping one last time, as the light leaves your eyes,

life fading quickly, God won't listen to our cries.

Trying to tell you that it's okay,

but we all know, it's not going to end that way.

Shaking at the wind so cold up my spine,

you can't leave me, you can't die!

This can't happen, no, not today,

as I sat on my knees and watched your life slip away.

Reviews

[White Rose]

That was very nice and very detailed. Loved the rhyming and the flow, very well written.

[itsjustme]

very powerful poem what a tragedy it is. imagery was great emotion was there :) one little thing though that makes it kinda unrealistic the line "it cant be over no you cant bail" i'm not so sure bail is the right word to use to express death--when i think of bail i think of ditching or running away perhaps something more like "please live" or you cant "die" would work better keep going tho i really like it :)

[The Water Queen]

Very touching. Very touching indeed.

[alesuriko]

Nice poem, good imagery and good tone. The atmosphere and setting were well established. The rhyming was good all except "see / knees" they don't really rhyme that well and "mind / time" are cutting it pretty close. Also, I think it would help your flow/rhythm if you changed "There he lays" to "There he lies" lays just doesn't seem to give the proper tense. Otherwise, it was a nice poem.

[Solitary Dreamer]

Oh my gosh that was really touching I am so sorry...

[Zana]

its short but it explains so much......i love it

[Jaded rose]

WOW....Deep...It made me shutter from the deep feelings involved.

[Danny Anthony Schromen]

Wow... EXCELLENT WORK. u are a fantastic writer... i wish i wrote like this... a powerful writing.

[Ethan Paz]

You have talent Beth. Good imagery and the character kinda speaks to you. I enjoyed this write.

[The High Poet]

Wow how tragic! Very well written you captured such a sad moment as someone fades into death. Being someone who has seen death up close and personal, I think you did a great job with this poem. Thanks so much for sharing :)