Introduction

An introduction of our two con men in NYC

    "Whose the poor sap today?"

    I was leaning against a boutique shop on the Upper East Side of Manhattan on Park Avenue, gazing out into the crowd of commuters as they made their way to work on this hot July morning.

    "I don't know, yet. Want to make a wager?" I asked him with a smirk on my face.

    Hal looked over at me with raised eyebrows. Of course, that wasn't his real name. I didn't even know his real name. In our line of business, names are irrelevant.

    "What sort of wager?" He asked.

    "You pick the mark. If I manage to get their wallet, then you have to get the next bottle of wine. I'm gonna go with 1960s." I looked at him, my smirk now turning into a smile.

    "Deal. But I'll have you know that you have made a wager that you cannot win. When you lose, I expect new pair of glasses with a warranty." He was short and bald but there was confidence and intelligence beaming out of his brown eyes.

    "Fine. Whose the mark?" I asked, standing up straight and adjusting the tie on my suit then slicking back my black hair.

    Hal pointed over at a police officer that was standing on the other side of the street. then folded his arms with a grin.

    "A police officer? Are you kidding me?" I looked over at him questionably.

    "You said I could pick any mark. That's the mark I want you to get. And for 1960s wine, it's worth the risk." He was trying to taunt me. Well, it worked.

    "I'll be right back." I put on my sunglasses and made my way across the street with a small wave of people. I leaned against the wall close to the officer and took out my phone to look like I was texting. I watched him pace back and forth with a look of boredom. Occasionally focusing on someone looking suspicious or helping a woman pick up her purse after being knocked down. As he bent down to help her, I saw the bulge in the back pocket of his pants where his wallet was. I pushed myself off the wall and put away my phone, walking briskly through the crowd towards the officer. As he was getting up, I pretended to trip and pushed against the officer. Two fingers on my left hand grasped the wallet in his pocket and removed it.

    "Oh my god, I'm terribly sorry, Officer. I was looking the other way and tripped." I spoke with an English accent. I walked away before the Officer had the chance to look up at my face.

     "Hey! Watch it, pal!" I heard the Officer yell behind me.

    I walked a few blocks without looking back when my phone started vibrating.

    "You used the English accent didn't you?" Hal said as soon as I picked up.

    "Should I have used a different one?" I laughed.

    "I was thinking maybe an Italian accent. Anyways, I owe you a 1960s wine. He still hasn't noticed it missing."

    "Alright. I'll meet you back at my place tonight for this new job."

    "Alright. See you, Mr. Jason Allen." One of my aliases. He doesn't know my name either.

    We hung up and as I passed a trash can, I threw away the phone without stopping. Paranoia and being wanted by the FBI go hand in hand in my business.

Reviews

[Lekhak]

I would expand more on the paranoia part to create more tension. As you said in your post the man is trying desperately to find the real killer so that should be the theme. Your story starts very lightly and gives an impression of the protagonist as having too much free time picking a policeman's pocket to win a small bet.

Firstly picking a policeman's pocket when being chased by FBI is not sensible, also secondly if the character was picking pocket for survival it would be more realistic, than just to win a small bet.
The character throwing the phone in the bin after the previous careless events, again, is not consistent with his personality.

Also in the line "In our line of business, names are irrelevant." I think it would be better to say- in our business real names need to be kept secret, or names keep changing etc. Real names are hidden as you mention, and the second names keep changing, but regardless of which name the character uses a name is definitely relevant to the crime partners involved. A type of situation in which you could say that names are irrelevant would be in a one-off meeting, e.g. one-night stand, a drug deal etc..
Even then, I wouldn't use names with the concept of relevancy, I would prefer to use names are of no use, or of no consequence.
I hope this helps.

[SweetNutmeg]

I would agree with Vile that what you lack is flare. One way to add that would be to give us more internal information. I suggest reading Raymond Chandler's "The Big Sleep" if you haven't done so already. He offers Philip Marlowe's opinions and impressions, not just a digest of what happened. I like that they don't use real names. That could be developed into all kinds of identity threads... people are not what they seem, our narrator is not who we think he is, or maybe he lacks an identity of his own. Lots of possibilities. The potential is there. I'd like to see what happens next.

[Dye]

Well, I hope you are sincerely looking for a review and not just fluff. Overall the story seems like it could go somewhere. It has the pieces of a background, so you get the idea that this guy is wanted by the FBI and is some sort of mafia/crime/bad guy. In my opinion the guy seems young, a little juvenile, not like someone that is wanted.

But I think his character just needs some massaging and you could get him there. For example, if at the beginning you explain why they are standing there, are they watching for some bigger crime down the road? are they just killing time by picking pockets? This might make it seem like this is just a past time to cure some boredom while they wait. Otherwise it has the feeling like they are teenagers daring each other. Hopefully that makes sense.

Another thing I would think about is a description of the main character, some how work that in. I know some authors leave that information out so the reader can decide on their own, but even if you don't want too many details, I would give some idea of the guys age and overall appearance.

Now as far as some minor fixes:

Throughout the story, you use present and past tense. The conversation parts are present, but other parts are past and in the first section for example you have "I was leaning" then at the end you have "on this hot day"-- so it transitioned from the past to the now. I hope what I am saying comes through clear.


For this line:

"I don't know, yet. Want to make a wager?" I asked him with a smirk on my face.

Not sure if you want that comma after "I don't know,"....if you are looking for a pause there I would suggest "I don't know...yet." Just my two cents.


For this part:

"Deal. But I'll have you know that you have made a wager that you cannot win. When you lose, I expect new pair of glasses with a warranty."

It seems like a strange thing to ask for?-- again I don't know if this comes up later but I feel like a crooked guy would want something better.

On this one:

"Hal pointed over at a police officer that was standing on the other side of the street. then folded his arms with a grin."

You just have a period in stead of a comma.

When the guy mentions wanting wine, you should add more detail. A 1960's what-- I would Google a brand or something that will add value to what he wants.

For this paragraph here:

"I pushed myself off the wall and put away my phone, walking briskly through the crowd towards the officer. As he was getting up, I pretended to trip and pushed against the officer. "

The use of the word officer twice throws the sentences off. You can just say "I pretended to trip and pushed up against him" sense "officer" is already implied.

With this section:

""Oh my god, I'm terribly sorry, Officer. I was looking the other way and tripped." I spoke with an English accent. I walked away before the Officer had the chance to look up at my face."

Using "Oh my god", makes the character sound young. If you were however going for that kind of response in this scene it can make sense, but I feel like someone with an English accent would say something more like "Oh my goodness", again that's just a preference thing.


Well, I hope that's what you wanted and it will be useful to you. I'm not a professional, those are my opinions only.

Good luck with your writing.

-Dye

[shallimarRose]

Enjoyed this Ian.. .. some minor type o's but nothing that is serious. I really like the story line here. thank you for the rr.

[Ian Faraway]

I'm getting a 'I'm just saying I enjoyed it so I won't hurt your feelings' vibe from this comment, Rose. :P

[shallimarRose]

NOOOOO.. your wrong. I will message you. xo

[Vile]

I didn't even know his real name. In our line of business, names are were irrelevant. " doesn't make sense, either get rid of the 'are' or 'were'.


""You pick the mark. If I manage to get their wallet, then you have to get the next bottle of win. I'm gonna go with 1960s."

You forgot the E in wine.

Interesting start all together, I think it has the seeds of some intriguing characters. However, the conversation with the officer just doenst sound authenticor realistic to me.

"When you lose, I expect new pair of glasses with a warranty."

I expect a new pair of glasses***


I dont feel their is a paricular style to this, as it just seems within the norm of things. Sure you have a good start to the story, but lacking a unique flare to your writing will hinder you down the road.

Though this is the only thing of your writing Ive read so I cannot make the judgment fully. Unsure as of yet.

As I said, overall, a fine start to it. The characters youve introduced seem interesting enough.

[Ian Faraway]

Oh my god. That is a good catch. But I'll work on it. Thanks.