O Come Away

O Come Away

A Poem by Walker Andreasen
"

I have never written a poem this short. I hope it bodes well with you readers.

"

O Come Away

A poem by Walker Andreasen

 

O come away ye sleeping child,

O come away ye meek and mild.

Come to where the rivers blend,

Where demons mourn your torment’s end.

 

Dream away your heart’s content,

Dream of nothing relevant.

Let your ponders wander free,

Let your hopes live and be.

 

And when the rays of morning light,

Kiss your eyelids with day’s first light,

Let not the beauties of the night

Be tucked away deep inside.

© 2015 Walker Andreasen


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I love this poem. There is something soft and lilting about it as I read it out loud, listening to how the words sound, sweet and promising. This is very good. I do have a few things to review with you. If I'm going to take the time to read a poem that I like, I try to give meaningful and constructive feedback, so hopefully this does not offend.

Where you say, "Let you ponders.." I think you mean "Let your ponders..." or "Let you ponder..."

You might common case the starting "O"...it detracts for me.

You repeat the word, "light" twice in the last stanza so it feels repetitive and is distracting. "...days first light," and "morning light" mean the same thing. You might consider changing the 2nd of the two lines to something like, "Kiss your eyelids with sweet delight." Just a thought.

The last line is weak to me. This poem, these wishes, should end with a very powerful final line. Maybe something like, "Be tucked away out of sight," or "Be whisked away out of sight," or, "Be denied the day so bright."

One final suggestion, from a flow perspective, I found that inconsistent syllable count made the over piece sound a bit clunky. I struggle with this all the time. I always start with the message, which you've written beautifully here, then I add in the rhyme which you've done quite well, and finally some sort of structure to achieve better flow. The easiest here would be the same number of syllables per line...if you want to take it this far.

I have taken liberties here to suggest these changes and I hope that is ok, otherwise I do apologize. I always try to review they way I want my poems to be reviewed. My goal is always a better poem in the end!

Really lovely poem!! Keep writing!!
Barbara

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

you ponders should be your ponders.

What was your intention behind changing the rhyming scheme in the last stanza?

Favorite idea: Where demons mourn your torment's end.

Posted 5 Years Ago


I love this poem. There is something soft and lilting about it as I read it out loud, listening to how the words sound, sweet and promising. This is very good. I do have a few things to review with you. If I'm going to take the time to read a poem that I like, I try to give meaningful and constructive feedback, so hopefully this does not offend.

Where you say, "Let you ponders.." I think you mean "Let your ponders..." or "Let you ponder..."

You might common case the starting "O"...it detracts for me.

You repeat the word, "light" twice in the last stanza so it feels repetitive and is distracting. "...days first light," and "morning light" mean the same thing. You might consider changing the 2nd of the two lines to something like, "Kiss your eyelids with sweet delight." Just a thought.

The last line is weak to me. This poem, these wishes, should end with a very powerful final line. Maybe something like, "Be tucked away out of sight," or "Be whisked away out of sight," or, "Be denied the day so bright."

One final suggestion, from a flow perspective, I found that inconsistent syllable count made the over piece sound a bit clunky. I struggle with this all the time. I always start with the message, which you've written beautifully here, then I add in the rhyme which you've done quite well, and finally some sort of structure to achieve better flow. The easiest here would be the same number of syllables per line...if you want to take it this far.

I have taken liberties here to suggest these changes and I hope that is ok, otherwise I do apologize. I always try to review they way I want my poems to be reviewed. My goal is always a better poem in the end!

Really lovely poem!! Keep writing!!
Barbara

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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Wow, I really like this poem a lot. Your use of couplets really helped the structure of your poem, and I love how you transition from night to day. "Let not the beauties of the night be ticked away deep inside" is my favorite line. Cheers:)

-Cord

Posted 6 Years Ago


Walker Andreasen

6 Years Ago

I never thought that much about that transition. Thank you for letting me look at my work from a dif.. read more
Beautiful. I love the hope I feel reading this poem; the idea that you can find a place where you can dream of nothing relevant, and be at peace. I love this line: "Where demons mourn your torment's end" so much.

Posted 6 Years Ago


I think this is probably the prettiest flowing poem I've read in a long time. Love it

Posted 6 Years Ago


I believe my heart just skipped a beat! Seriously, it's an amazing poem! Beautiful wording, great flow... everything! I think this could be turned into a very heartfelt, beautiful song as well, ever thought of that?

The land of dreams is captivating and beautiful (just like this poem) and one should indeed not let the beauties of the night get away...

It was a joy to read it, thank you. :)

Posted 6 Years Ago


Walker Andreasen

6 Years Ago

You're welcome! Thank you for liking it so much!
Trixolomanea

6 Years Ago

I merely expressed how I felt after reading the poem :)
Very lyrical sounding (my favorite kind of poetry!) "Let not the beauties of the night / Be tucked away deep inside." -I really loved those lines because it illustrates that while the day greats us with light and beauty, we shouldn't forget the beauty that the night holds for us as well. Really enjoyed reading this!

Posted 6 Years Ago


A beautiful piece of poetry. I like that it has an image to it, yet with most everyone's dreams, it'll be different for everyone who reads it. I think I only caught one small grammatical error. "Let you ponders wander free"~Let your ponders wonder free? Excellent all the same ^_~

Posted 6 Years Ago


Walker Andreasen

6 Years Ago

Nope! I meant wander as in, "He wandered the woods." :] and thank you for your wonderful review! And.. read more
"Where demons mourn your torments end." This line provokes a lot of sharp imagery and feeling...Gorgeous wording and sentiment.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Walker Andreasen

6 Years Ago

Well thank you very much BITB!
THe targeted mission of the words is thinly veiled, one finds themseves lost with you, well done, good read.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Walker Andreasen

6 Years Ago

Well thank you. I think this is one of the best reviews I've received.

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Added on July 20, 2012
Last Updated on June 19, 2015

Author

Walker Andreasen
Walker Andreasen

Grafenwoehr, Bayern, Germany



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If you're going to stop by, please at least leave a review before you go! My name is Walker Andreasen and writing is my passion. I write everything from stories to songs. The only thing I haven't wri.. more..

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