Taste the Rainbow

Taste the Rainbow

A Poem by Water_the_Sun

 

Thoughts like storm clouds swirl and
Sway the edges of her reality as she
Sips poison words and smears on war paint
And fights the same battle she has faught
Every waking moment of her life
A heavy burden, a sword-sharp weight
Twists her once straight spine and fills her dreams
Leaving her in the dark, writhing breathless and cold,
Like a rose in winter she walks among us
Dormant, sharp, strange, and spread against
The harsh cold clay façade she wears to keep us out
Or to keep herself in, its all the same
She hides beneath the soiled sheets of
Paper thin lies and smiles, her face cracking
And im the only one who seems to see
The beautiful light that sleeps beneath
Glowing faint, fighting strong
To stay illuminated after being
Held back for so long, it glitters like sugary snow
In the dark irredesence of the southern winter moonshine
Inside she has touched the stars
Tasted the sun and rocked the sea to sleep
But she sees herself as sharp claws and jagged teeth
And she refuses to believe, that
Though she is labled poison and painted black
Shes all skittles underneath

© 2009 Water_the_Sun


Author's Note

Water_the_Sun
This is a VERY rough draft, buti doubt ill get around to editing it:/

Its inspired by a friend who i love dearly and worry for so much.

Feel free to suggest where i should go with it or point out grammar/spelling/ blahblahblah errors:) thank you

My Review

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Reviews

Wow, the imagery is intense and the feeling is overwhelming (in a great way). I can't think of anything that I don't like about this! Amazing!

Posted 11 Years Ago


i am a huge fan of never rewriting, just throwing out the emotion as it came to you. i also like the fact that it feels rushed and a sort of panic sets in as i read because the "stanzas" are not broken up in any traditional way...all said i love it and think you should leave it alone...tops!!

Posted 11 Years Ago


The title of this piece was largely responsible for luring me in to reading it; truth be told, this is the first read (and hence, the first review) I've given in quite some time, and so I needed something fruity and exciting to get me interested again. Maybe your piece will be the one that helps shake the cobwebs loose.

The first thing I notice here is that you use virtually no punctuation and that you only capitalize the first letter of each line: That tells me you're going for a stream-of-consciousness feel and using first-line capitilization as an arbitrary reference back to standard grammar, as opposed to throwing it out entirely. To me, the combination of the two gives it a bit of a muddled effect: The piece is trying to shine as part of one genre (S.O.C., for example) and yet there's a very loose tether forcing it to be pigeonholed into something completely outside itself. My suggestion would be either (a)lose the capitals altogether, or (b)throw in some sort of punctuation. Of course, the easier to implement of the two would be suggestion (a), but I warn you: Presenting a piece with no punctuation and no capitals that still maintains some form of intelligence is a very difficult thing to do, to which I'm sure writers like ee cummings can attest. Personally (as I'm sure you saw in the piece you reviewed), I prefer pieces that still maintain that enough grammatic perk to be interesting and analyitical, but nothing too rigid or too confining. That's a tough line to walk, though.

To make my review decipherable, I'll break analyze the parts where I find natural breaks occurring.

"Thoughts like storm clouds swirl and
Sway the edges of her reality as she
Sips poison words and smears on war paint
And fights the same battle she has faught
Every waking moment of her life"

I like this as an introduction. I particularly like the use of poison as an adjective, and the image of war paint. My complaint, however, is that you use that powerful, gripping image and fall into a little bit of a cliché; particularly, I think using the phrase "every waking moment of her life" to describe the battles fought by your heroine is a bit bland. It would be hard to suggest something more compelling to go there instead; however, I'd consider using something a little more subtle there to describe the life of your subject.

"A heavy burden, a sword-sharp weight
Twists her once straight spine and fills her dreams
Leaving her in the dark, writhing breathless and cold,
------------------------------------------------------
Like a rose in winter she walks among us
Dormant, sharp, strange, and spread against
The harsh cold clay façade she wears to keep us out"

I drew that line in there because the verse around it was a little fuzzy. You end the line prior to that with a comma - "...writhing breathless and cold," - indicating that what comes next SHOULD (maybe) (probably) be a continuing sentence/thought/piece of verse; however, the line afterwards doesn't seem to carry that sort of flow, and instead suggests that you're attempting to begin a new though. You mention first the heavy burden over her, and then you mention the way she walks among us: My suggestion here is either (a)throw in a little piece of filler to make the segue more natural, or (b)change the ending of the prior piece to "...writhing breathless and cold." Of course, this gets back into my earlier suggestion that you infuse some standard grammatical prowess into the piece, so it's completely optional; from a reader's standpoint, however, I think that would stand out a bit more.

Besides that, I would both commend and warn against your use of adjectives. I commend them in that they're intriguing and original - I particularly like the fact that her façade is made of clay - but I warn against using too many of them. I think using harsh, cold AND clay makes the flow of that line a bit of a chore. Personally, I would remove harsh; I think describing it as merely "cold, clay" would keep it subtle enough to be poetic but would implicitly describe harshness that we as readers could easily infer.

"She hides beneath the soiled sheets of
Paper thin lies and smiles, her face cracking
And im the only one who seems to see
The beautiful light that sleeps beneath"

I like this. I like that you begin to make your previously-elevated heroine seem more human, more fallable. She's not on a pedestal as we'd previously thought; she's 100% real and genuine and afraid. She's a little generic. She's a little watered down. I think that really brings life to the piece.

"Glowing faint, fighting strong
To stay illuminated after being
Held back for so long, it glitters like sugary snow
In the dark irredesence of the southern winter moonshine"

I really like the imagery here. You paint a nice scene. My one complaint is that the third line seems a bit longer than most, and would probably read better if you split that idea up into two lines. Personally, I think your use of "southern winter moonshine" is nice: It's rare that we see a double entendre used in a way that's fluid and natural. The moon shines, but perhaps the irredesence you refer to is found only in moonshine? The second idea's not so much of a stretch if you consider the lines that follow (Inside she has touched the stars / Tasted the sun and rocked the sea to sleep). It's a nice touch, regardless.

And then, your ending....

"But she sees herself as sharp claws and jagged teeth
And she refuses to believe, that
Though she is labled poison and painted black
Shes all skittles underneath"

My only complaint is that...you haven't completed your task as a poet. I mean, sure - you've presented a lovely poem that I as a reader quite enjoyed. But your transition from cradling an ocean to a summarizing finale left me, personally, with a a thirst to know more. She has so many pleasing qualities - so many deep, dark secretes and hidden manifestations that she tries to hide away - and yet we're delivered to her synopsis instead of learning more about her as a heroine. She's tragic, and she's got so many wonderful qualities to offer; perhaps if you have the time, you should revisit the mindset of this piece and attempt to draw those lines together a bit more. I think the piece would benefit from something simple like that.

All in all, I'd say you have a very enjoyable read with lots of good qualities; at the same time, I'd say the potential for a masterpiece is just beyond the surface and would require only minimal effort to realize. For that reason, I find the most tragic part about this piece the Author's Note - yours is one poem that could benefit hugely from a small reworking/revisiting/revamping. Perhaps if life spares you the stress, you'll find the extra time to go back and make it happen.

Great work. And thanks for your review. :)

-Chas

Posted 11 Years Ago


reminds me of the lyrics for graveyard girl by m83

they aren't alike aesthetically but have the same theme

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

that was really good and very symbolic, and i am happy that you chose that as your ending (to be honest i would have been mad if there was no skittles reference in that poem :P)

also, sorry to nitpick, but it is "fought" not "faught"

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is really Good! i like this.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Oh the talent you have young lady. Your flow is brilliant and fluent, and a joy to read.

Great work.

Posted 11 Years Ago


I actually think this work is fantastic the way it is. Its a fine quality to verbalize as you do and i enjoyed the piece very much. My kind of writing. All the best to your friend and keep on pluggin.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Yes it sounds like there is much to worry about for this friend. I hope the best for this person and for your anguish that accompanys it.

This was a good piece, I hope she has read it.
Blessings to you both.

Antonio


Posted 11 Years Ago


Loved this, the way it flows is just ingenius! :D Fantastic work, I loved the imagination and your talent shines through.

Posted 11 Years Ago



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Added on October 14, 2009
Last Updated on October 14, 2009

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Water_the_Sun
Water_the_Sun

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