Sandwich Monster

Sandwich Monster

A Story by YouoweYoupay

I want to help you go home.

"I made a sandwich. Then I took my pills. Then I stretched my legs and too deep breaths."

"What is a... I'm sorry. Please, continue."

"No, it's alright. What did you want to ask?"

"What is a sandwich?"

"It's food. Nourishment. Two pieces of bread. In between them, we put things like jam or chocolate spread or salty things like cheese or eggs."

"Thank you for explaining. Please keep talking. I want you to tell me more."

"Well, the last- the last memory I can recall was having a fight with my mother. She wanted me to do the laundry. I hate that. Then I stormed into my room.. And now I'm in another world. Your world."

"My world?... I want to help you go home. But only if you promise to make me a... what do you call it? A sandwich."

"Done deal. Just get me out of here, will you?"

© 2017 YouoweYoupay

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I am a linear straightforward kind of writer/reader, so I honestly do not get this at all, even tho I've read it 3 times. But I would not be as critical as some of your other reviewers have been. Many of the best writers on this website, beloved writers here -- I do not understand half the time. This is highly nuanced writing, which is the opposite of straightforward writing. I'm fine with both & I try to get better at understanding the nuanced stuff by reading it even if I don't understand it. Your writing (overall, what I've read so far) feels too intentional for me to assume there's not something interestingly layered here that I'm just not getting (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 2 Years Ago

I tried to reply by mail, but I suspect the site is failing, because it was unable to send a mail, and is screwing up other functions. So here's what you would have gotten:

I looked. Take a deep breath. 😮

It's not bad news, and it's not a matter of talent or potential. It's that most of the story remains in your head. You talk ABOUT the action, and about things that have context for you, but story isn't talked about, it happens, and does so in real-time. Think about the reader.

When you read, every line points to ideas, images, memories, and more, all stored in your head. So as you read, everything makes perfect sense, driven by both those memories and your intent for how the words should be taken.

But the reader? They have only what the words suggest to them. And for them, every line points to ideas, images, memories, and more, all stored in YOUR head. And since you're not there to ask...

See the problem?

Another problem you face is that readers aren't seeking to learn the details of what happened. They don't want to get to know your characters, and their history. They have one single goal: They want to be entertained. And they want to gain that entertainment by living the story AS-THE-PROTAGONIST. They want to live the story in real time, too, in the moment the protagonist calls now.. And nothing we learned about writing techniques in our school days prepared us to handle that because we learned only nonfiction writing skills.

The solution is simple, as I've already mentioned. Add the tricks of writing fiction to the nonfiction skills you already own. Without that you're guessing. As Mark Twain observed, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

We can't use the tool we don't know exist, nor fix a problem we don't see as one.

There are no hints I can give that will have you writing fiction like a pro because it's all interconnected, and to explain one point might require ten pages to introduce and clarify another that's relevant to it.

The articles in my writing blog are written for the newer writer, to introduce the issues we have to take into account when writing, and they may be of help. Other than that, I'd suggest you take a look at Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It's a very gentle introduction to the field, and one of the best I've found.

My Articles:

Posted 3 Years Ago

Two things: 1. I am sure in the first line you meant "took" and not "too". Also this sentence, "we put things like jam or chocolate spread or salty things..." would read better if it was, "we put things like jam, chocolate spread, or salty things like cheese or eggs."

2. First read through I was a little confused about what was going on in the story... but i caught on after re-reading the first line of the story.

Now, I am assuming that the sandwich is the narrator being caught somewhere between life and death, am I correct?

Posted 3 Years Ago

Psychedelic... i love meta stories and this is a good example. Loved it

Posted 3 Years Ago

Lol well, I hope you've had the sandwich by now? Have you?😜

Your sandwich description made made chuckle😀thankyou for sharing !


Posted 3 Years Ago

I felt as if I had lifted a phone and got a crossed line - which everyone bar none will listen to for noseyness but it doesn't mean it's satisfying.
Hats off for the uniqueness though

Posted 3 Years Ago

When you read this you can hear the emotion in the "voices" of the ones speaking.

When you read this you know who the speakers are, where they are, and what's driving them to speak.

But what does a reader get? Unknown people in an unknown place, speaking for unknown reasons in a monotone.

A story is not a record of what happens. That's history. It takes place in the heart and mind of the protagonist. It lies in that person's struggle to remain in control of their life. And the methodology for communicating the story is not related to the writing skills we learn in our schooldays, because their goal is to inform. Fiction's goal is to entertain.

Dig around in the local library system's fiction writing section. Lots of good advice to be found there. You might also dig around in the writing articles in my blog, for a better idea of the issues involved.

Jay Greenstein

Posted 3 Years Ago

Nice! Is this the beginning of something new? Are you teasing us with a wider world in this story? Or is this the whole deal, one and done? Either way, I like it!

One small thing...

"Then I stretched my legs and took* deep breaths."
Other than that, brilliant!

Posted 3 Years Ago

Did you eat the sandwich? A interesting tale in the poetry my friend. Thank you for sharing your words and thoughts.

Posted 3 Years Ago

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9 Reviews
Added on August 13, 2017
Last Updated on August 13, 2017



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