Sleep

I liked to sit here

with you and

wander my thoughts,

my thoughts I

forgot

at age twenty-two

when my body was

dead and my brain was too,

on bad that afternoon

I sat with you

and thought…

Is there no escape?

No escape from my skin

no escape from my fate

my heart ripped in two

my tongue,

my brain

one lung or two?

Is there a life?

A life

after the death we

think is so real?

So real

choose to feel

more real than the war we

refuse to conceal? I’m

sweating I’m dying

my bodys alive,

trapped in this state

this state so confined

and obsessed with what

we are and what we

are not

I’m forced to deal

deal with the

me

I refuse to see

when eyes are wide

I am broken inside

by the things

that I’ve become…

the things at this internal

war started from.

So I’d like to sit here with you

at age twenty-two

when my body is

dead and my brain is too,

and sit back in awe

and start  to weep,

weep at the day

I got enough sleep.

Author's Note

It's been a while since I've posted anything and I figured i'd try and post something new.
I really like it so I hope you do too xo ({

Reviews

[TheSweet]

Cool rhyme scheme, I liked the repeated bit, felt kind of like a chorus. It's pretty good, I think your word use and tone is starting to ground itself as your style.

There's a lot of 'I' and 'Me' in it, though - I think there's a few places it's easy to assume who the referent is, so might not be necessary to point it out. Also, there's some punctuation missing in places, at least for me.

I'd recommend writing it out as prose to proofread, make it flow as if you were reading it as intended, and then put the line separations in. It might not even look much different, but it's the little details that makes a work shine.

Decent poem, keep it up!

[Enigma]

Well thank you for the critique but the lack of punctuation in those small bits and how it slightly runs on in some places is completely intended for this particular piece. Along with when I chose to separate the sentences to give it structure, and the over used "I" and "Me"; all are on purpose. I am perfectly happy with it for once. C:

Even so, I adore your reviews. You're always pushing for greatness and improvement and I absolutely love it. For this I give my thanks xo

[TheSweet]

Well that's fine; I can only appreciate it, then! You should only ever write for yourself. :)