Fallen Angel

2.0

A great war had been sparked
between The Dark and The Light;
The Light betrayed by one of the own,
so The Dark had grown in might.

The Traitor had been greatly loved,
so his treachery stung like a bee.
When he turned his back on them,
it was burnt into their memory.

Blood of demons, fallen angels,
once flowed through his veins,
and now it all spills out after
these sufferings and pains.

The Dark advanced upon The Light,
they had grown confident.
This sudden stroke of arrogance
Seemed to be heaven sent.

The Traitor stood on the front lines,
his eyes blazing red.
But when their strategy fell apart,
he was struck down dead.

Once a hero, now a villain,
despised by one and all,
his blood is now a symbol
of his perverted fantasy's fall.

The weight of the world so immense,
pressure mounting high,
so when guns came blazing,
he could only lay down and die.

Author's Note

No idea where the hell this came from, I just kinda blurted it out to myself at 3 in the morning. Reviews, criticisms and suggestions highly appreciated, especially when it comes to a title.

Reviews

[Cerulean]

Haha, at three in the morning? That is a job well done indeed :) I like the flow of this and that there is a somewhat solid concept to all of this. The stanzas are structured in a way that makes sure it stands firmly tall. Nice power in the stanzas :) :)

[Will]

Yeah, I'm a bit of a night owl :3 thank you, Cerulean, it means alot.

[Cerulean]

I don't know what I am, but I'm certainly not a day bird or a night owl. You can call me a Day Owl, maybe? Haha, no probs :) :)

[Leslie Philibert]

a very good write for such a young person...you have talent.

[Will]

Thank you very much, Leslie.

[Rita L. Sev]

Yep - that flows better, and I like the first stanzas.

"2.0" - :)

[Will]

Thank you Rita. I appreciate the help with this one.

[SteveB]

New first two stanzas and significant changes.

Again good rhyme and meter. I like the back story addition which explains the title.

You have made this much more specific but lost some of the mystery. That is the choice that needs to be made when doing a narrative piece. For example the first version while not giving a backstory was open to interpretation and what I was seeing in my mind for the final stanza was a criminal deciding on suicide by cop. Now it is clearly a vengeful battle.

Good job.

[Will]

I liked the mystery aspect, but I feel like this lays out what I wanted a bit better. I appreciate your input.

[SteveB]

My pleasure. We are all here to help each other and push each other to improve and excel.

[SteveB]

Hmmm.
You hint at a backstory which the reader must fill in. I personally like that.
Solid rhyme scheme and generally good meter. You might want to reconsider the 4th line of the 3rd stanza for meter though.
The title fits. Although you have him already fallen in the first stanza. Without giving away to much of the backstory can you hint at the fall?

[Will]

Thanks Steve. I'm definitely going to tinker with this one. Check back and we'll see what happens.

[SteveB]

I look forward to it

[Rita L. Sev]

Will, insomnia seems to be a great Muse for you - this is incredibly dark and vivid. For the most part, the flow is spot-on; read it aloud - it sounds great.

Fourth line in stanza 4, you could eliminate the word "and"; The last stanza doesn't flow as well as the rest - some longer lines. I think it could be tightened up for stronger impact in this already strong piece.

The weight of the world became too much,
pressure mounting high,
so when guns came blazing,
he could only lay down and die.

[Will]

I do tend to dish out better work in the dead of night, so you're spot on there. I agree with both of your suggestions, so I'm definitely going to tweak this poem later when I'm home on my tablet and not on my phone. Thanks for the read, review and praise, Rite. It's greatly appreciated. Check back later for some changes. It might not be until late tonight though ;)

[Careline]

You should listen to The Thin Grey Line by Ben & Alfie. This reminds me of it. It's good song for great poem!