Fake It Till You Make It

A man struggles with addiction.

My hands tremble as I try to load another pipe.  It breaks again and little shards of glass twinkle on my fingertips.  How many times until get this right?  I haven't had a hit in so long.  I really need a f*****g hit.  I pick up another pipe.  My fingers gently clasp it and I lift it slowly.  It slips and shatters on the table.  Frustrated and cursing, I grab another pipe.  It breaks.  I grab another one.  And another.  I cry in frustration.  I  smash the rest of the little glass cylinders to dust with my fists and they start to bleed and it makes the table a sparkling red and I wake up.  My heart is pounding and I swallow hard.  There are no pipes or drugs to smoke out of them.  I sigh in relief.  Just another drug-dream.  

I've been having these dreams for the past month. I stopped using on April first and now it's May. When I put down the pipe and said I was done, my friends thought it was an April fools joke. I told them it wasn't and that they weren't my friends. But I almost said 'Yeah, I'm just playing, let's go get more.' But I was done. Of course, any addict has said 'I'm done' a thousand times. But here I am a month later fighting the cravings and the peer pressure and the sleepless nights and the people, the places, and the things, those little things that start my bones buzzing and shorten my breath. But I haven't picked up a drug since that night and I think it's because I'm in love with my therapist, as corny as that sounds. So when she suggested going to an A.A. meeting, that's Alcoholics Anonymous, I did so reluctantly just to show her I was a brave man.

I walked into a church where a bunch of tired looking people sat sipping coffee in the back room that had a poster on the wall that said "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it."  I sat down next to a guy with huge painted arms on one side and girl about 40 who had her eyes closed and her face upturned on the other.  They went around the room and each one told the group their name and how long they'd been sober.  "Hello, My name is Ruth, and I'm an alcoholic," the 40 year old said.  Then she proceeded to talk for 45 minutes about how she had no money in the bank and her husband who smacked her had left and the kids got taken away and she was trying, really trying, to pray every day to God to help her, and she's been sober 3 days.  Everyone clapped at that. And she said she knew she only had to trust in God, that she never really opened herself to God before even though she tried, but now she had, and now that she had "Let go and let God," everything was going to be alright.

So it was my turn and I said my name and how long I've been sober.  I said I was an addict, instead of an alcoholic, because that's what I was and it's the same thing anyway, so I thought I'd say addict because that's what we all were, regardless of what we used to get high.  But the big guy next to me said we are all alcoholics here, not addicts, and I said what's the difference, and they looked uncomfortable and said maybe I should try Narcotics Anonymous next time instead, that there were more of my kind there.   But I didn’t go to N.A. and I didn’t go back to A.A. because I know it’s all the same anyway.  

When I went back to the therapist I told her how I really enjoyed the meeting and made a few friends and am going to start the Twelve Steps.  And I said that she was really helpful and kind, and that I thought maybe I should come to therapy two times a week instead of one.  She said that would be fine, I can see you are making a lot of progress so it couldn’t hurt, if you think it will help.  And I thought about how I was lying, like an addict does, and that maybe I haven't really changed at all and I was just putting on a show.  But someone at the meeting had also said “Fake it till you make it.” So maybe it’s not that bad a thing, so long as I was sober. And I looked at the therapist and smiled, and said I felt pretty damn good.

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

I like the dream aspect in the beginning. Some of your thoughts got a bit jumbled in the middle, as though you were trying too hard, too fast, to get the words out. I write novels, and I'm not very familiar with flash fiction, but I don't think it is supposed to be written carelessly...from what I understand it is a short piece that conveys the character's thoughts and actions in a concise manner and comes to a reasonable conclusion. I think as writers it's our responsibility to our readers to ensure every word is exactly where it needs to be, and we achieve this only by editing and, if necessary, rewriting. The premise of your piece is intriguing, because we all know addicts lie. Period the end. One of the greatest gifts you can give to your readers is a story in which you SHOW as opposed to TELL. With a bit of editing, this could be a very good story. Thank you for sharing it with us, Sam.

-kimmer

[?]

I liked this story...seem more realistic than some I have read...Kept me interested from start to finish...If this is a true story...I wish you well..and hope for the best...Well written story...

[K-mo]

This is very good, it really draws you in

[MOON]

This is a very good story very engaging. Addicts often speak of telling the therapist family and friends what they want to hear. Your writing is clear and concise.

[Lynx]

This is a pretty good piece. The story flows well and feels realistic. However, I also think that some sentences were too long, and you've started too many sentences with "And".

I love the character in this. He doesn't seem too righteous or too broken. He just sounds human, which is rare. Two thumbs up, =).

[Amber S. Hays]

I love this. I love the feeling of being on edge it gives when I read it. I love the imagery in the beginning as well. Very good. Reminds me of how hard it is to let go of something. Even if you have the right people in your life.

[Rasputin]

I liked this one. I was never addicted to crack- booze and dope were always my poisons of choice. I've only been to a few AA meetings, and those were all when I was in detox. I've never been to NA, and don't intend to. I never cared for it. Anyway, good read.