Solace

How does it feel like to be surrounded by a sea of people, yet feel so alone?

“Its true,” she whispered to herself, “I am like a character in one of my own stories”

 

She tried to smile at the amusing irony she had just thought of. But instead of an innocent, small, insignificant smile… she began to cry.

And immediately, she tried to stop.

No I musnt cry, she said, I’m not like idiotic girls crying over matters. No she was stronger, she really was. She tried to shake it off, she wasn’t going to spill over measly tears and she tried her best to smile. A grin, a laugh, any minute now she would do either, forgetting that she ever wanted to cry.

Yes, she would smile again…

But why weren’t her lips curving upwards? Why wouldn’t that small spark of the feeling everything is going to be fine, touch her. Why didn’t she feel it?

She held her chest and looked around, the night growing in on her, the darkness coming closer and closer, seeping in, almost as if it were drowning her. She felt nauseous, claustrophobic… for the first time in her life, she felt true fear.

And just realizing that she was incapable of even the tiniest form of happiness, she cried even more.

 

She let everything out in those tears, frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger, yearning….everything.

She let out years of pent up emotion, all being locked away in a dark box at the back of her mind. All pushed away, giving excuses for them all.

‘It’s just my mood swings again’ she would say, and smile at her friends. Her friends would playfully smack her across the head and walk away, away from her, back to their own business as if nothing happened at all. ‘Stupid girl’ they would say and laugh.

And she would just sit there, alone, watching them walk away.

Warped in her thoughts, sigh after sigh, how she wished one of her so deemed ‘best friends’ would stop, turn around, sit next to her and see through that fake, fake smile and say ‘So what wrong?’

‘Why is it so hard?’ she would ask herself, ‘why is it so hard for me to say what I feel?’

‘Why is it so hard for me? Why can’t I tell them what I really feel?’

She hugged her knees and bowed her head, her wispy, copper hair, flying around her with the intensity of the wind.

Because, the answer would come to her instantaneously, they won’t be your friends anymore. That disgusting voice would murmur, no one likes sad people. You must be happy, it would say, always be happy. They would get sick and tired of your complaints and your problems, they would leave you.

They would hate you. 

Then she would reason, they are not like that, they would listen, they would help…

No, they won’t.

The most cruel, bitter fact of it all was that deep, deep down, despite all her arguments against herself, she knew. She knew that whatever that voice had said to her was true.

It’s all true.

 

She blinked the remaining of her tears away, and wiped her cheeks with the edges oh her jacket sleeve. She took a deep breathe, only to let it come out in soft sobs.

Why was she crying? She wasn’t facing any serious problems. Her parents weren’t abusive, she wasn’t a victim of a vice, she wasn’t dying… or was she?

She had no reason t cry, yet no matter how much she tried to dry her eyes, they would always fill themselves with more tears.

What was happening to her? Why was she crying so much? Why did she feel so inexplicably sad? Why?

Why?

 

The wind was cold and the night was darker than ever before. She looked up at the sky and at the moon. She raised her hand to it, capturing the silvery light as it fell through her fingers. If only the moon’s rays were as warm as the Sun’s, it would have given the night so much more, she thought.

She never liked the night. The darkness, the black atmosphere, she hated it. She loved the sun, the bright, warm, shining, sun. She loved the happiness it possessed, she loved looking up to it and feeling the heat on her face.

The sun symbolized everything luminescent, everything that was light, free and happy. She loved the Sun.

 

 

Back to where she was now, she huddled closer. Her eyes were tired, and so was she. Is this was it feels like? She asked herself. Is this what it feels like to be alone?

No, you stupid girl, it was that sick voice again, you are not alone, you have your family, friends… many, many friends….

But what the point of so many people around you when your feel such an extent of solidarity?

No, but she loved them. It’s true, she loved them all. But they never gave her the type of companionship she wanted. They never gave her a chance to show them who she was. They never bothered to know. They never knew the real her. And at times like this, sometimes she wondered….

She never knew who she was either.

 

“Its not true!” she yelled into the night, “ITS NOT TRUE!” she stood up and looked to the dark sky. “I am NOT like those people in my stories”

She closed her eyes and fisted her hands tightly. “I don’t have anyone….” She shook her head, “I don’t have anyone….” She repeated.

All her stories, in all her wordy creations, the one sad and upset always had someone to comfort them. A mysterious new friend, or an elderly person. They always found happiness in the end. They always had those special people say something wise, insightful, words to them. They would be cheery and bright, they would be eternally happy. And they would smile, make her feel better, make her laugh, and the sun would shine, and the wind would carry all their sadness away….

“It’s not true…” she fell to her knees hands, tears now staining the grass beneath her. “I don’t have anyone….”

No one…

 

 

Why was she crying?

She didn’t know it herself. All she knew it was she couldn’t take it anymore. The smiles, the fake smiles, she couldn’t put them up anymore. She was sad. And she wanted to show it. She was tired of pretending for the sake of the people around her.

What was happening to her?

I don’t know, she answered. I don’t….

What happened to the cheerful, happy girl, full of life and light? What happened to those wonderful thoughts of sunrises on a misty morning, thoughts of magnificent stars against the sky’s black canvas, thoughts of love, friendship… What happened to the girl who loved to cheer people up, the person who could bring a smile to anyone face… What happened to the girl with sparkling eyes, a perpetual ghost of happiness radiating around her… What happened to her?

‘What’s happening to me?’

 

 

And as suddenly as it began, she stopped crying. Her relentless tears stopped. She looked around and she felt something.

‘Maybe this is it…’ she thought, her heart began racing. She felt something and she was so sure it was going to happen…

Any minute now…

Someone, anyone, would come to her in this lonely spot and talk to her. And make her feel better. Someone would come, she was so sure. It happened in all her stories and all the books she read. She was so hopeful.

So she did the only thing she could have, she waited….

And waited…

Still hoping…

She waited for someone to come…

 

Someone…

 

Anyone…

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

I want to know what you make of it. What you think of the piece as a whole, irrespective of the fact that the grammar is off at a few places. I made it that way to exhibit some sort of emotion.
Please tell me what you think? =]

Reviews

[Christine]

I loved this, first off, because it was a great write, and enjoyable to read. I also loved this because I felt I can relate to this so much, it was so personal. I really enjoyed the third person view on this, it felt to me as if you were looking back at something and seeing a different person. Even if this isn't about you personally, it still gave that effect that it was very personal, so kudos to that. I did think the format was a little strange. I liked how you broke it up into different sections, I guess I don't like how it all just seems blocky, and too straight. I did love this piece though, keep up the great work!

[Natalie]

There is so much raw emotion, and the fear of not understanding that emotion is evident and well protrayed. I think first person POV would make it more personal, more terrifying. And I agree with Alicia that something needed to have sparked this revelation and spiral of fear. It's like a black moment from the middle of a sotry...without the story.

[Alicia™]

I absolutely love this!! Though I personally would've preferred a bit of a prologue of how she got there - begin with a flashback, maybe? - I love the way you wrote this. You got the emotions right.

Buuut, I don't really understand why the grammar is off. In her thoughts, the grammar should be off to show emotion - I agree - but for the rest, it is YOU who is describing it, unless you're writing in her POV, writing it down… Even though I probably don't make sense hahaha.

Awesome job!! :)

[Jenny Nelson]

Well, I must say this feels familiar. I think you presented many struggles that a lot of people deal (or don't) with. You definitely got the emotion, particularly the frustration, across quite well. I've wrote about the topic myself.

[Mr. Revan]

the presentation of it is simply amazing, in my opinion. i've heard stories, poems, etc. like this before, but each one is unique, and this one especially, since it is the longest piece that you could categorize as lonely, sad... but more so because of the detail given to the character that it represents. but i must ask, your personal opinion, what must one do if nobody comes? does one give themself something to look forward to besides a companionship?

[Miss Coral]

Very great use of emotion, and the train of thought expressed in it.

Nice job. :)