Fun with entropy

Entropy (noun)
2. lack of order or predictability; gradual decline into disorder.
- New Oxford American Dictionary

We may not be the best people, but we’re not the worst. Graduate students are the worst.
- 30 Rock

Between 2009-10, I spent a year and a half as the lowest form of human life (according to Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy, who’ve never steered me wrong) and before that, four years at university. I still can’t believe I took out over $100k in loans to get high and watch 2 Girls 1 Cup, all for a degree in a language I already spoke. But I can forgive myself as the past is the past - except for when it isn’t. I went on to pursue a career in the classroom and would eventually land myself a cushy university gig with decent bennies and four months’ vacation a year, but even that wasn’t enough to keep me in academia. It’s become fashionable to hate academics, and that hatred is unfortunate and misguided, but to be fair, they are the most annoying people in the world.

Education gets a lot of flak for prioritizing theory over practice, and as a recovering educator, I’ve developed a new curriculum to change that. I want to teach a free college course on Western Civ, and when students walk in on the first day of class, there’s nothing but a huge bell curve on the chalkboard. Once butts are seated and argyle sweaters adjusted for maximum comfort, I just point to the graph and announce, “welcome to the second half, b*****s!” and then we all drink tequila and call the people we love most because really, that’s all we have left.

It’s fair to say the majority of people have lost faith in our institutions. Half the country thought our last two elections were rigged. Many still do. The notion of science has been muddled by both conspiracy theorists and the institutions themselves (looking at you, Sackler family). Initiatives that were supposed to level the cultural and socioeconomic playing fields with fairness and equality have achieved the exact opposite of what they were supposed to.

UFOs came, and nobody cared. Corporations became more powerful than governments. And the only way to get Americans to care about international diplomacy was for one of our own to marry into the British royal family; somehow, we all acted surprised when a biracial woman from Los Angeles wasn’t accepted into the whitest family in the known universe. The drama! The suspense! Dare I say the idea of a royal family in the 21st century is so f*****g outdated and idiotic and a*s-backwards that it doesn’t deserve any of our attention in the first place? Again, UFOs! The Pentagon released reports of UFO sightings last year, and we were more concerned with how well Prince Harry was adapting to the California lifestyle. Does sunscreen come in SPF 4 billion?

I’m no longer interested in making things “better.” I don’t care about the environment anymore. There will be no real change as long as we’re here. I’ve started vocalizing this and it’s usually met with “that’s what they want you to do, man, to become demoralized, to stop caring. Don’t fall into their trap.” Well ok then, what great strides are you making to combat the powers that be? How is your compost pile holding up against the big business interests that rape our planet, pollute our skies, abuse our workers - and oh, just happen to have all of our semi-elected politicians, judges, and talking heads wrapped around their fat, sweaty fingers? How’s the Prius running?

Our owners transcend border, culture, and race. This isn’t an America problem or even a Western problem; it’s a human one. I suppose I should change the title of this course to Sociology: How to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. I thought the end times would be more exciting than this, but it seems we’ll be going out with a whimper instead of the Big Bang we rode in on. C’est la vie.

Well this got off to a lovely start, didn’t it? Doom and gloom aside, I really am not trying to ruin your day, in fact I am hoping to do the opposite. Like a dirty needle or long weekend in Vegas, I want to leave you with something positive - so let’s get back to what matters most, what nobody can take from us: the people we love. And tequila. Lots and lots of tequila. Below are friendly suggestions for navigating all of this, whatever the hell it is. These have been a hellish couple of years for most of us and they’re a little less hellish when we get through them together. I know life advice is a little sanctimonious, but so is blogging about yourself, and I’ve been doing that for years. Anyway, here goes nothingness:

Call your mom
If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance her life didn’t pan out the way she’d hoped. Give her a ring and say hi.

Pay attention, but don’t bother with external forces beyond your control
Easier said than done, I know. It becomes (a little) less challenging if you can free yourself from political parties, religion, and any group that assigns itself a name (exception: The Wu-Tang Clan).

Take inventory of the people in your life
Your social circles should be getting smaller, but closer. You’ll need each other to hold on tight to when the bomb goes off. For a long time I prided myself on being something of a loner, and this was a mistake. I now love someone who loves me back, and I promise that everyone is better off this way. Two people can move mountains; by myself I can’t even move a couch.

Spread love
It's the Brooklyn way/The Moët and Alizé keep me pissy/Girls used to diss me/Now they write letters 'cause they miss me - my apologies, I’ve lapsed into Biggie again. This would not be the first time. East Coast 4 lyfe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Bang
You know what to do. Bow chicka wow-wow…in all seriousness, stop with the breadcrumb texting and puritanical bullshit and go meet someone in person. And then go to town on each other’s naughty bits. What are you, religious?

Ditch social media
The internet started out great, but higher bandwidth has only hastened its devolution into a cesspool of bad ideas, misinformation, and Facebook uncles. It has ruined the way we communicate, and if you think that’s just grandpa talk, go read a few comments sections and tell me how you feel. Better yet, find the person on your friends list you argue with the most, meet them for coffee in person, and watch how fast you both learn to empathize.

Drive to a remote location with a big bag of mushrooms
Trust me, bro.

Prepare for the Thunderdome
I was staunchly opposed to civilian gun ownership until last year when half my city caught fire and unarmed residents in several US cities were thrown into unmarked vans and whisked away into the night. Now I have amassed a small armory in what I call my Doomsday Closet, much to the chagrin of my girlfriend (she’ll come around). But the sad truth is there are millions of guns in circulation, legal and non, and a whole bunch of gunboners who are just itching for a chance to use theirs. If it happens in our lifetime, you don’t want to be the only person on the block armed with a spatula and frying pan.

Get a fire pit
Find a few friends and cook a meal over the fire. In that moment, the external world will burn away and you’ll lose total track of time and forget what year it is, at least for a moment.

It’s not the end of the world, but it is the end of us. And that’s ok. We’ll be gone, the cities and towns and everything we leave behind will be incorporated into a healing Earth, and life will go on without human beings. This tide might occasionally ebb and flow, but the wave coming will not be stopped; better to let it hit you, wash over you completely, pull you under until we’ve all returned from whence we came. Til then, I’ll be watching the waves from the shade of a palm tree, margarita in hand, with the people I love. What more could a boy ask for?

Author's Note

Feedback welcome