Green with Red

Green with Red

A Poem by H L Rose
"

"She likes hanging out with old people too much." - My Grandpa

"
How unique and slight a sight 
when green leaves hang with the red 
dancing the tune of memory 
painting with life's deep colors instead 
of accompanying the young branches 

growing along the strong and true 
singing a song bright and new 
wishing to give and learn from them 

what joyous pleasure it is to be 
a green leaf who hangs with the red 
they laugh with the sun and moon 
the breeze they call old friend 
they teach us how time passes 

and drifts

no golden thought or story lost 
for green leaves who hang with the red

© 2019 H L Rose


Author's Note

H L Rose
Experimenting with Merwin and dropping that pesky punctuation. Would love to hear your thoughts and critiques!

My Review

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Reviews

Wow! I like this poem both as a poem and because I'm an old guy now and am amazed whenever I find a young 'un who actually seeks to learn from another's experience. You work the metaphor beautifully, and yes, one has to 'supply' the needed pauses, but e.e. cummings, James Joyce, Emily Dickinson all broke the rules.

But before you do that, it is vital to know the rules, and why you are breaking them. At the risk of getting in the middle of that heated exchange you had with JayG., I'd say you both have valid points but are a bit defensive. I think he means well when he suggests that book by Fry (I have it--it is good) yet I do think he's trying to put you in a box of syntax/grammar that may not be completely commensurate with your style. And you're right to question ALL 'experts' and make your own call-- and then live with it. But maybe you might keep in mind if he did not care enough about your work, he wouldn't have spent so much time with his critique. And as a former English teacher, I'd say he knows his stuff.

In our society, alas, graciousness is a rare virtue. Be kind to each other: you both mean well, and you're both poets...and we are a species bordering on extinction.

Posted 5 Months Ago


H L Rose

5 Months Ago

Thank you very much! I like to break the rules in poetry! Of course there needs to be rules in order.. read more
A very nice allegory with the new leaves hanging with the old, culture carriers. I liked the structure and the tone of this one. JayG gave you technical feedback.

Posted 7 Months Ago


H L Rose

7 Months Ago

Thanks! I like when JayG reviews my poetry. It makes me think deeper about the things I write. But I.. read more
John Alexander McFadyen

7 Months Ago

He knows the technical side of the art well. Learn from it but also do your own thing.
H L Rose

7 Months Ago

He defiantly knows some technical stuff!

My dad has always taught me not to just tak.. read more
The purpose of punctuation is to help the reader. It tells them how you intend it to be read. Leaving it out and dropping in stanza breaks at random, as you have, make it more difficult to read. Remember, the reader has only what the words suggest, based on THEIR background, not your intent.

You want to look into prosody:

In S1, L1, there are three feet.

In L2, there are four (though dropping "the" fixes that and smooths the line).

L3 has three feet, but L4 has four, and "life's deep colors," rolls awkwardly from the tongue. Remember, poetry is meant to be read aloud, so the flow of stressed/unstressed syllables is important.

And with structured poetry, the rhyming scheme matters, because its predictability, like the structure of a song, helps the reader "stay on the beat." But S1's scheme is ABCBD. S2 is AAB. S3 is ABCDE.

A really good intro to structured poetry is the excerpt on Amazon, to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. Take a look. I think you'll find it eye-opening.

Sorry my news isn't better, but...well, you did ask. 🤪

Posted 7 Months Ago


H L Rose

7 Months Ago

“ease discomfort” is so not my goal.

I consider this a “discussion” not an .. read more
JayG

7 Months Ago

• You assume I’m offended because I am questioning you.

But you’re not questio.. read more
H L Rose

7 Months Ago

Why is the only other options when I don't agree with someone to “ignore”. That is not how you l.. read more
I really like the idea behind your poem, quite unique and invokes images of beautiful trees with green and red leaves.

Posted 7 Months Ago


H L Rose

7 Months Ago

Thanks! I appreciate your thoughts
Read this a second time. 100/100.

Posted 7 Months Ago


 Relic

7 Months Ago

I was listening to music (low volume) and reading it at the same time. Wow! My first review seems la.. read more
H L Rose

7 Months Ago

lackadaisical
I can't thank you enough for this awesome new vocab word.
 Relic

7 Months Ago

lol My pleasure.
This is one of the most intriguing extended metaphors I've read in awhile. I love how I was seeing & feeling actual red & green leaves in nature, reading along, while also being cognizant that your color choices = green (young) and red (old). You show the value of the young hanging with the old using relatable details. Not remembering your previous punctuation tendencies, but I prefer this with no punctuation, as your phrasing makes it perfectly clear how you intend for it to be read, plus leaving things open-ended so we can read enjambment or not (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 8 Months Ago


H L Rose

8 Months Ago

Thank you! Yes I like that aspect of leaving the punctuation out too.
I'm so glad the colors .. read more
You, my dear, may be like me and just born an old soul. There is so much to learn in lifetimes. No worries about getting ahead start :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Months Ago


H L Rose

9 Months Ago

Soooo much to learn. Thanks for your thoughts!
We can all learn from observation. Even little things can teach us a thing or two.

I like it.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 9 Months Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

H L Rose

9 Months Ago

Thank you! Little things Yes! An older lady was telling me a very short and simple story the other d.. read more

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Added on January 5, 2019
Last Updated on March 10, 2019
Tags: Poetry

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H L Rose
H L Rose

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