The Dinner Doubles or A Clone of Your Own

A Stage Play by ZackOfBridge

A dinner date between a set of clones

THE DINNER DOUBLES OR A CLONE OF YOUR OWN

ACT [1] SCENE [1]

LUSUS

Ah Hell! I've left my keys, Dolly. What will I do?

DOLLY

You're fine, Lusus.

LUSUS

No, wait, yes, and my wallet. I'll have to go back and get

it--you go ahead and knock, the conversation must go on.

DOLLY

Funny, you don't need either to eat at the neighbor's

house. Check your pockets, have you left your sense behind?

LUSUS

My cents? Well I imagine that would be in my wallet, dear.

DOLLY

Sense.

LUSUS

Ah, like of the common sort? Where is my common sense?

[Looks around for it as though it were a little dog] Oh yes. Shall we go home to rewatch our wedding tape? I'll point out the exact moment it scampers away from neglect.

DOLLY

Like a rat?

LUSUS

More like a tramp in the street. Remind me again why for

the third time this month our dinner is served on Adam and Evelyn's table instead of our own?

DOLLY

They are--

LUSUS

Ahh but tell it to them [He sweeps his hand over the

audience].

DOLLY

Whom? The crickets in the lawn?

LUSUS

Crickets in the lawn? Don't be dim, you mean you can't see

them? [Points at someone in the audience's face] Him? How

about Her?

DOLLY

Insects, thats all thats out there. [Looks to the audience

with disgust] Crickets I imagine, I can hear them strum

their tiny violins for you, Lusus. You appreciate their

pity, don't you?

LUSUS

Of course I do, it is much deserved. To spend so much time

with these people. They're so unoriginal.

DOLLY

Don't be ridiculous. [To the audience] We're the clones of

these people.

LUSUS

It's vulgar. Did Frankenstein insist that he and the

monster meet regularly for drinks and ice cream chasers?

All the monster wanted was a companion. And look here I've

got one.

DOLLY

A monster's companion, you flatter me Lu.

LUSUS

Please don't make me go. I really don't see why you enjoy

these dinners so much.

DOLLY

If we could not share a meal with our own clones a few

times out of the month--well it just wouldn't be normal.

Borderline Inhumane. Be nice. Have fun with yourself. Adam

enjoys your company.

LUSUS

HAH! Sure he does. That man could enjoy the company of a

wooden post with googly eyes pasted to its front. Inhumane.

To have to listen to that most insipid babbling, and then

see it come from a mouth just like mine. That's what is

inhumane.

DOLLY

He trusts you because you've got the same face as he does.

LUSUS

Such an unfortunate face! His nose comes out just like

this, his smirk, awful hair. Really just a punchable face.

And his laugh, HAH! Just exactly like that HAH!

DOLLY

I know it well.

The next lines are read at the same time. Dolly still speaks to the audience and lusus speaks towards dolly.

LUSUS

Doubt it would do any good, a punch to his face. It's so

elastic, I can see it now, retracting back into place,

perfect, unaffected. Like a putty mask.

DOLLY

But it's not just Adam. There is Evelyn to consider. She

needs my company and I need the company she keeps.

LUSUS

I don't doubt it. Actually I am certain of it, Dolly. Dolly

I am, certain that's it. He has gone and invented a mask

impervious to a good true sock

DOLLY

The darling sensitive thing she is. We must visit. Someone

must appreciate her for her aesthetic qualities.

LUSUS

That's why we were invited, Dolly. Of course what else? 'So

tell us about the new and resilient putty mask, constructed

from recycled pets and environmentally responsible cell

tissue?

DOLLY

How the bridge of her nose comes to here, her smile raises

to here, just like this [She smiles to the audience]. Her

hair flows like so [bats at her hair]. Where else in the

world could a woman like that be found? And how does one

tell a darling sensitive thing like that that her services

are no longer required. Its time to move on.

LUSUS

Its gluten free and contains zero trans fats, you say? Wow!

[Begins to walk away, but Dolly pulls on his ear]. Ow!

D****t, Mrs. Sugarbottom! What is all this?

DOLLY

Don't call me that.

LUSUS

It's a pet name.

DOLLY

Its not, and I am not your pet.

LUSUS

If its not a pet name it still happens to be your legal

name. The one you took when you married me.

DOLLY

I don't like it.

LUSUS

It suits me, Mrs. Sugarbo--

DOLLY

Stop that.

LUSUS

What are we doing here?

DOLLY

I already said, they are our clones and---

LUSUS

Yes, uh-huh, and its indecent not to spend time with those

that are identical to you. Yes. But I don't want to be

decent. It's how they look. Stocky bodies, stout faces.

what are we doing here? I saw your calendar. Your Calendar,

the one with moon cycles and the like. If we are really

going to do this, tonight's best. Is this not the best

night?

DOLLY

Sure.

LUSUS

So what is this?

DOLLY

What is what?

LUSUS

What? This! Are we, you, still interested in doing this?

DOLLY

This? [Points to the door].

LUSUS

No not this, anything but this. This [Points to Evelyn,

points to self], you know? Are we still going to do this?

DOLLY

Ah, that, yes I think so. It was my idea.

LUSUS

You've got me fooled.

DOLLY

Don't Lusus.

LUSUS

You have. From what I have observed its not done at the

dinner table. Not the way we plan on making our round at

it. I suppose it is true that it can technically be done at

a dinner table, but--

DOLLY

No, you are right, we are not doing it at dinner. And I

wasn't going to say anything because I know you would just

up and drop it, but--

LUSUS

Drop it? Whatever it is I certainly would not 'just up and

drop it.'

DOLLY

You'd drop your c**k if it were tied to your hand. But

fine, this thing [Tentatively touches her stomach] well its

already been done. It. Has happened. I could have come

alone and still been a plus one.

LUSUS

So then why didn't you! [Coughs and stutters] I mean,

Dolly, this is great. This. This is huge.

DOLLY

Huge. Yes, I will be. Now shut up, this is what I meant.

You become excited. It doesn't look good on you. And don't

say anything to Adam and Evie about it.

LUSUS

Evie?

DOLLY

Evie?

LUSUS

You called her Evie.

DOLLY

I did? I must have for short. Short for Evelyn.

LUSUS

Yes because the extra syllable is an unbelievable strain.

DOLLY

Shhh. I am going to knock now.

LUSUS

Clones clones. You know, if they have a child too. The

children would be siblings? That is from a genetic

perspective.

DOLLY

Shut up about children and genetics.

LUSUS

But what's left?

DOLLY

I hear religion and politics are popular.

They knock on the door. The entire frame falls around them.

ACT [1] SCENE [2]

ADAM

Clonies! My beautiful clone, Leonard, Come in, come in.

LUSUS

Its Lusus, Lusus is my name, but that's perfectly alright.

We have only met 48 times this year and I am your clone.

ADAM

Maybe if you had let me choose your name I wouldn't have

any problem remembering.

LUSUS

Again with this.

ADAM

I am sorry but Howard McBroDown named his clone,and his

clone, Peter Pepperdoodle --on the corner--, named his

clone and Peter Pepperdoodle's clone, Poncho Porterville,

begot a clone and named him Pregovich Pastovich, and he

got to name his clone and here I am, Adam Parsnip, with a

clone who insisted on naming himself. It makes us all sound

like idiots. Is that what you wanted? Excuse me Dolly, come

in. Come in. It seems, louis was it? Is in something of a

mood.

Dolly and lusus look at the doorframe around them and hesitantly step over it.

DOLLY

Tell me about it, oh but first tell it to them [she sweeps

her hand over the audience assuming an audience remains by

this point in the play].

ADAM

What?

DOLLY

Thats what he said. He had me talking to the insects in

your lawn.

ADAM

In our lawn? Of course. We've got an awful case of them

here in the house too. See look right there [gestures

towards the audience].

DOLLY

[Dolly crouches at front of stage, stares an audience

member in the face] Yes I can see that. Look at them.

Horrifying. And that smell.

ADAM

They reek, I know.

DOLLY

Oh they are absolutely pungent, you must get rid of them,

anyway, sorry we're late. Those damned dinosaurs. Move your

crusty cretaceous asses! Thats what I say to them. I doubt

they even understand English. [Scoffs] They come to this

era and don't even bother to learn the language. Sorry

we're late. How they block the freeway. Can you imagine LA

traffic without dinosaurs? I imagine it would be like

flying, so smooth! Nothing to stand in your way! Sorry

we're late.

ADAM

You couldn't be late, we didn't invite you. You can't be

late when you're not invited. Its a physical impossibility.

LUSUS

Not invited? Dolly we are bothering them. We are a

bothersome couple. Adam here was probably screaming at a

basket of rotting fruit or splicing the genes of a minotaur

with a mango. He is a scientist you know.

ADAM

No, oh please no Larry. Do not let that scare you two

adorable clonies away. The minotaur must be ripe anyhow.

Evelyn will be thrilled to see you. Come in Come in. Look

here, four drinks. [Counts on his finger 1,2,3,4] Thats

enough for each of us.

Enter Evelyn

EVELYN

Dolly. You brought Lusus.

DOLLY

Again, sorry to show up late like this. Those dinosaurs.

They're plain meddlers with no regard for dinner dates

between clones.

EVELYN

Creatures like that left all manners in the mesozoic. They

come over here with the mud of Pangina still stuck to their

feet.

ADAM

Pangea, darling. They are from Pangea.

EVELYN

Yes, Sangria, thank you.

LUSUS

Its Pangea.

EVELYN

Whatever. Like that's any better, Pangea. Doesn't it just

sound awful, like diarrhea or gonorrhea, or tortilla.

DOLLY

Thank you for having the two of us.

EVELYN

Of course, there is nothing better than having you, Dolly. I

could have you everyday. Every night.

LUSUS

Uh, yes thank you Evelyn. That must be the hostess in you.

My my Adam, your face seems so real--expertly crafted. [He

pinches and stretches Adam's cheeks] Bully for you.

ADAM

Uh, yes thank you. Here, for you.

LUSUS

Drinks, you read my mind. [Lusus takes both glasses].

ADAM

Read your mind, how fun for me, reading your mind. I

imagine it would be like a pop-up book for small children.

Lusus drinks from one glass and then the other and the other in rapid succession until...

EVELYN

[Evelyn takes a drink from Lusus and gives it to Dolly]

Those drinks are for the both of you.

DOLLY

A drink for me. This, this is what I want. Alcohol. Thank

you, Evie--Evelyn.

LUSUS

Mind reading. That reminds me, Adam, have your boys at the

lab gotten to my prompt?

ADAM

Regarding telepathy? I assumed you were being fuh- fuh-

Facetious!

DOLLY

Bless you, Adam.

LUSUS

Facetious! I am being facetious? He shoves shrunken sperm

whales into sardine cans and I am being facetious.

ADAM

We don't shrink anymore, unfortunately profits weren't

large enough. We are in the business of stretching now. You

wouldn't believe the number of things that can be

stretched: life spans, gas mileage, the truth, you name it.

EVELYN

Doll, you knew the invitation was for you only?

DOLLY

Was it?

LUSUS

I simply wanted to know whether an illiterate could read

minds and if the deaf could hear thoughts. I should have

known. You invited me into your home to make the fool of

me...To throw me into the volcano.

EVELYN

You weren't invited at all.

ADAM

You aren't here to be thrown into a volcano, Lusus. I just

don't take you seriously is all.

LUSUS

My own clone. Copy. Reflection. Makes me the fool. The fool

boiling in the volcano. Fine. But if I am a fool, that

makes you a fool and your precious Peter Pepperdoodle too.

EVELYN

You're not drinking? You know, I took the fatal risk of

snatching it from your husband, you may know him as the man

boiling in the volcano.

DOLLY

Oh I do, its lovely. [Clicks tongue on teeth] It's got an

earthy flavor, almost sulphuric.

EVELYN

You haven't had even a sip.

DOLLY

[She sets the glass down without drinking from it]. But I

have, I am drinking it right at this very moment.

ADAM

Dolly, you're drink is okay?

DOLLY

Oh yes, its brilliant.

EVELYN

How would you know? You're lips have yet to touch the

glass.

DOLLY

[Flattered] My lips have your eye? [Reconsiders] Its

terribly rude to stare.

LUSUS

Dolly won't be drinking tonight.

EVELYN

And she still came? You're a brave one. Are you sure we are

clones?

ADAM

My God, it's the drink.

LUSUS

Yes, its the drink, Adam.

DOLLY

The drink is fine.

ADAM

Of course it's the drink.

DOLLY

I am sure it is lovely.

EVELYN

Its much better when it is drunk.

ADAM

It's awful. I am ashamed.

LUSUS

Terrible, Adam. I am mildly offended. We had better go.

[Starts towards the door] You need some time to think about

what you have done. 40 lashes should be ample for the

offense.

ADAM

[On his knees] Oh the spiteful universe! Howard McBrodown,

you have forsaken me.

LUSUS

Can you put an end to this? Tell them.

EVELYN

Tell us?

LUSUS

Yes, Dolly has something to tell you two.

DOLLY

I have nothing to announce.

LUSUS

Come on, Dolly. Out with it. Dolly has been carrying--

DOLLY

A great burden! I am drunk already.

EVELYN

Drunk?

DOLLY

Positively lit. I have a problem.

LUSUS

Oh you're drunk are you?

DOLLY

Yes, darling. You know this--drunk. My body has got the

dizzies.[Looks at Adam and Lusus] I am seeing doubles.

EVELYN

Dolly, lets go into the kitchen. We'll get you some bread.

Dolly and evelyn exit

ACT [1] SCENE [3]

Light music can be heard.

DOLLY

That music. Did you Turn on the Radio?

The music slowly amplifies. They dance with one another.

EVELYN

Oh its those tomatoes. They always harmonize around supper

time.

DOLLY

Beautiful. Sad. Why do you think they sound so conflicted?

EVELYN

Its the hormones. Especially, this time of the month. I

grow them myself in the garden.

DOLLY

You garden? You grow things? I thought you only grew tired

of Adam?

EVELYN

I have thought about only eating meat, there seems to be so

much less agony, less guilt for me that way. I hate dicing

a tomato and hearing it squeal like a pig. It's awful. At

least if I eat meat, I could have a quiet, peaceful

kitchen. Quiet kitchen, quiet conscience.

DOLLY

Oh but you have got to love a crisp apple, could you give

that up? [Sadly] I suppose, all of us have to give up

something.

EVELYN

Oh I don't eat apples. Orders from the big man, my doctor.

So that wouldn't be a problem.

DOLLY

Doctor?

EVELYN

Yes, a doctor. Adam makes me go. He thinks there is

something wrong with me. He wants me to be happy. But

nothing he can do makes me happier than that first time I

grabbed your hand.

DOLLY

Didn't it flop around like a fish?

EVELYN

Or when our legs met under the table. Do you remember what

you did?

DOLLY

I spat a grape in Lu's drink...And so did you.

EVELYN

Your leg was like a cactus. Oh Dolly how I love you. Funny,

I'm the only person I ever loved.

DOLLY

Gee [frightened] that's swell.

EVELYN

Swell?

DOLLY

Yes, it's swell. Among other things that are swell.

EVELYN

Swell. No, having exact change is swell. Finding a dollar

in a pair of jeans is swell. The price of fuel falling from

eighty dollars a gallon to seventy-nine is swell. Swell!

DOLLY

Stop saying that. Its lost all meaning.

EVELYN

Has love lost all meaning? Or is everything just swell? My

apologies. Swell! Like an infected wound or a stubbed toe.

What is this, Doll?

DOLLY

What is what?

EVELYN

This. There is something the matter with you. I know you

are not drunk. Is it your husband? It must be. To be

married to a man with such a ridiculous name, Stooge-us.

DOLLY

It's Lusus.

EVELYN

I knew it was him! The man won't even let you drink. Not a

good sign.

DOLLY

He and I are having a child, Evelyn. We won't be coming

over for dinner anymore.

EVELYN

A child? No dinner? But surely, you will still come over.

To uh, uh, dance. Like we are doing now, like we have been.

DOLLY

No, no more dancing.

EVELYN

You know I don't mean dancing?

DOLLY

Yes, I understood that.

EVELYN

You're done with all of it then?

DOLLY

I'll be devoting that time to Lusus and this [gestures to

stomach].

EVELYN

To your stomach? Has he put you on a diet too? That

chauvinistic b*****d! Oh, the child, right. Well isn't that

swell?

DOLLY

Among other things that are swell.

ACT [1] SCENE [4]

ADAM

I had no idea about Dolly, Lusus.

LUSUS

She's---

ADAM

It explains so much, lately Evelyn has had her share of

troubles.

LUSUS

No, you don't---

ADAM

I can't read anything from her. It's like she is always

facing away. Her back is always to me. It might be better

if that were true that she didn't look at me, but she does.

In her face there is nothing. No adoration, excitement, not

even disgust. I miss her scowl of disapproval greatly. Look

at me talk. You know exactly what I mean! what with her and

Dolly being of the same genetic caste.

LUSUS

No, no, Dolly has got an expressive face. She could beat

you at a round of chess with her eyebrows alone. Its just

you.

ADAM

But I am a decent enough man. I use mouthwash! I rinse for

the full minute-- sixty seconds of swish, I do it until my

eyes tear up. I am a good man! I am trying! And I floss!

I'm not saying I am any Saint Kanye of West [He crosses

himself; taps his head, his chest, left shoulder and

right], but d****t I floss my teeth until blood runs from

the gums.

LUSUS

You are a regular martyr. Do you write erotic love letters

to your dentist as well?

ADAM

Evelyn is despondent, quiet, melancholic, dare I say it?

Analytic! She--Can I tell you Lusus. We had some tests

run...They call it an imbalance of her humors. Her levels

of black bile are in dangerous excess. Its causing all

manners of grief.

LUSUS

[Sarcastically] That is awful. Did you have an apothecary

brew something up for that?

ADAM

Am I a sap? Of course I did. Nothing, and none of the

doctor's suggested treatments are helping either.

LUSUS

What are you doing in way of treatment?

ADAM

I say we have tried everything: Electro-shock, mercury

drops, even Advanced-invasive gardening. Nothing helps. And

you know what, I can't help but to blame you for all this.

LUSUS

Naturally.

ADAM

Yes. Naturally.

LUSUS

How have I done this?

ADAM

It started when you gave yourself that ridiculous name.

What kind of name is Lupus?

LUSUS

It's Lusus!

ADAM

Oh what does it matter, its ridiculous. Its taken its toll

on me, and that stress, Evelyn must be feeling it too. I

swear the only thing that makes her feel better is when you

and Dolly come to visit. And you have gone and ruined that

too.

LUSUS

Ruined? But how can we ruin a night we weren't invited too?

[Imitates Adam's voice, so basically nothing changes] Its a

physical impossibility.

ADAM

Look at Dolly, she's drunk already.

LUSUS

She's not drunk.

ADAM

She couldn't even look at the drink in her hand. Its

terrible. You come all this way and the night is ruined

just like that. Which reminds me. When will you have a

clone of your own?

LUSUS

A clone of my own?

ADAM

Yes, you will have to move into the neighborhood so we can

be close to the fellow. It could do some good for all of

us.

LUSUS

[Dread engulfs Lusus's face] As therapeutic as that might

be, I am not having a clone of my own. Dolly and I are

having a child. I was trying to tell you she's not an

alcoholic, she's pregnant.

ADAM

[Laughs] A child. You and Dolly all mixed together. Very

vintage. That's funny.

LUSUS

The truth often is.

ADAM

The truth? Who's talking about the truth? You can't be

serious. You can't have a child. How could you! How could

you! [Voice lowers into a secretive whisper] How do you?

Could you explain that to me?

LUSUS

Oh its simple really, what happens is---

ADAM

Oh stop it! You are insane. What will Howard McBroDown

think of you?

LUSUS

What will he think of me or that other fellow? Lupus was

his name?

ADAM

Forget you, what will he think of me if my own clone goes

and mucks it all up?

LUSUS

What do I care what he thinks?

ADAM

What do you care? He begot Peter Pepperdoodle who begot

Poncho Porterville who begot Pregovich Pastovich who begot

me. You will be the end of the line. An anticlimax. I knew

I should have named you! Letting you name yourself was the

first ski on a slippery slope to utter disgrace.

LUSUS

Did you ever think trying to please all these people is

what made you crack? Did you ever think its not Evelyn or

me or anybody. Its you. Frankly I'm surprised you didn't

think of it first. A child, something none of those who

came before you had. I'll be the first.

ADAM

[Brightens] Well, I hadn't thought of--

EVELYN

Adam!

ADAM

[Adam hugs Lusus in fright] What was that? Was it my

conscience again? It always says the most hateful things to

me.

Enter Evelyn and Dolly

EVELYN

Adam, we are having child.

ADAM

[Still holding onto Lusus, he grins at him] Evelyn that is

a beautiful idea. We can start now. [Clears the table with

an aggressive swipe of his arm, sits Evelyn on table] No,

that hardly seems appropriate. Of course we need to meet with our physician, have some tests run, consult with an oracle, sacrifice at least three---

EVELYN

Stop that. You're too happy. That's not what this is. I

want one now, Adam. No physical, no oracle. No before this,

afterbirth that, I want one now.

LUSUS

She wants one now, Adam.

ADAM

That is what she said.

DOLLY

Evie, can I speak to you?

EVELYN

Oh yes, I would love to talk with my dolly. Oh Dolly, I

love you too. What was that? You really mean it? That we'll

be the bestest friends forever and ever until the sun

explodes and dinosaurs rain from the sky? Anything you want

to say to me you can say in front of my child. My child

[looks around for it as though it were a little dog]. Where

is my child, Adam?

Adam picks up phone, but it doesn't have to a be a phone.

DOLLY

Put it down, Adam.

ADAM

Yes, hello, I would like to place an order for delivery. No

not a clone, A child, yes. What do I want on it? Geez, I

hadn't thought. A nose, eyes for sure, maybe throw in a

couple freckles.

EVELYN

There will be not a single freckle on my child!

ADAM

Oh no no, not a single freckle. What size? Let's see, I am

pretty average, my wife is exceedingly average, lets have

an average. Sounds great [hangs up phone].

EVELYN

What did they say? Will I have my child?

ADAM

I would say so. If the child comes after 30 minutes, its

free. Oh the excitement, Evelyn and I all mixed together. I

must tell Poncho Porterville!

Adam skips to the door, if any spare flower petals are present he throws them as he skips. He opens door, a man and young girl stand at the door. The man is dressed like a mail man or a milk man or a mechanic.

MAN

I told them a million times, why do the little beasts need

teeth? Does no good for me to have their dental records

stamped into my hand.

ADAM

That was much quicker than I expected.

MAN

All they did was make a kid. It's simple. Birds do it, bees

do it, even educated fleas do it. Sign there [signals to

forehead; Adam signs]. Initial here [raises shirt and

signals just above belly button; Adam signs]. Sir, would

you like to donate today to send an underprivileged

dinosaur to college?

ADAM

Donate! Sure! Maybe when dinosaurs fall from the sky!...I

suppose then seeking higher education would be the least of

their worries.

MAN

[Takes a note on sheet of paper, tongue sticking partially

out of mouth in concentration] "When dinosaurs fall from

the sky". Okay, there is your instruction manual. That

'bout does 'er.

ADAM

That does not 'bout do 'er.' [Adam pinches The Daughter's

cheeks. Opens her jaw to inspect her teeth. She bites him]

She bit me!

MAN

They do that, nasty little creatures.

ADAM

Nasty!? It's wonderful, such bite strength. Bet she'll

floss just like her old man. I floss! I am a good man, I'm

no Saint John of Cusak, but I floss!

MAN

Really though, watch out for her, she bit the head off a

bat on the way here.

DAUGHTER

Ozzy Ozzy Ozzy, Oy Oy Oy

ADAM

She killed it just like that? Not even a hint of

compassion or empathy at all?

MAN

None that I can speak of.

ADAM

By god! She'll be a scientist!

MAN

One more thing--

ADAM

Shh. Shh. All quiet.

Adam reveals a magnifying glass and inspects the daughter closely. He gags from what he sees.

ADAM

Three freckles!

EVELYN

I said not a single freckle!

ADAM

She said not a single freckle! What is it you boys do at

that warehouse of yours?

MAN

We did exactly as you asked, sir. You said not a single

freckle. We gave you three. Besides you already signed

there and initialed here. If it makes you feel any better

they say freckles are angel's kisses.

ADAM

Well you tell this sick "Angel" fellow to stay away from my

daughter!

Pulls girl into home and closes door on man. There is a knock. Adam opens door.

MAN

One more thing, there seem to be a storm marching in,

eating up homes like cream filled bonbons. Could I possibly

come in? I would ask to use your restroom but judging from

the smell that s**t has sailed.

ADAM

Leave immediately.

MAN

But I'm afwaid.

Adam slams door

ACT [1] SCENE [5]

ADAM

This is our child, Evelyn. Our daughter.

EVELYN

Does she know how to use the bathroom?

Girl shakes head no.

EVELYN

And television?

ADAM

[Flipping through booklet] They say she needs immediate and

significant parental stimulus. Its all in here, here look.

EVELYN

[Slaps booklet away] You know I only read morse code.

Theres no time, Adam. Didn't you hear? She needs immediate

stimulus.

ADAM

Oh yes yes, immediate stimulus. Says so right here in this.

EVELYN

[To Daughter] Do you have a favorite program dear?

Daughter nods head yes.

EVELYN

Make yourself decent and set her in front of the

Television.

ADAM

[Talking to himself] Evelyn tells me to set her in front of

the television. Here she is in front of the TV.

LUSUS

Gotta listen to the wolf [coughs] wife. Say does this one

have a name?

ADAM

[Brightens] Well I hadn't even considered. I've been so

swamped lately taking care of the child I hadn't even

gotten around to naming her.

DAUGHTER

I have a name, I gave it to myself.

ADAM

You-You what? But you can't name yourself.

LUSUS

[To the daughter] You and I are about to become very good

friends. Sure she can name herself, if she's bright enough

to bite you upon meeting you, she's at least capable of

naming herself.

ADAM

Don't encourage her, it says here never to encourage

children [gestures to booklet]. What is this name you've

given yourself?

DAUGHTER

Salvador Dalí.

LUSUS

What a name, Adam. You could call her Sallí for short.

ADAM

She'll never make anything of herself with a name like

that. [Pokes Lusus in the chest] What did you do?

LUSUS

Me?

SALLÍ

I'm going to be an artist papa, a great artist. My skeletal

remains will be put on exhibit in the Louvre.

ADAM

Art? Do you mean that ghastly thing hanging above motel

room beds? You will do nothing of the sort. [Pokes Lusus in

the chest again] Leonidas, I'm going to kill you before the

incredibly stinted life span of a clone does!

LUSUS

My name is Lusus! Not Larry, not louis, not Lupus!

EVELYN

My child is an artist, Dolly. Does your child do anything

at all?

DOLLY

It hasn't bitten anybody yet.

EVELYN

It seems to me the most this child [points to Dolly's

stomach], if that is what you are willing to call it, can

do is deprive you of drink and uh, dance. But my child,

just watch, get mommy a drink, Sallí. [Snaps her fingers at

Sallí. Sallí does not move from television].

DOLLY

You're angry, Evelyn.

EVELYN

I am not angry. I. Am. A. Mother. You're angry. My child's

an artist, her skeleton will be on exhibit in the Louvre

before your child can spit up on your shoulder. So hah!

DOLLY

Angry? I'm concerned. Are you hearing yourself? You're

hurt, and I'm sorry for that, but I didn't want to sneak

around to make myself feel better anymore. With this

[gestures to stomach] I feel better. No sneaking around, in

a couple months this will be as obvious as it gets.

SALLÍ

[She speaks at a pace that is too fast] DINOSAURS!

EVELYN

Do not interrupt the adults.

SALLÍ

[She speaks at a pace that is too Slow] DINOSAURS!

EVELYN

She did it again. Adam, she's busted. I told them no

freckles and now look at her.

ADAM

[Adam flips fervently through booklet] I'm looking darling,

I'm looking.

EVELYN

Can we refund her?

LUSUS

Return her? But what about her bite strength?

DOLLY

Yeah, she nearly took off Adam's finger. Isn't that worth

something?

ADAM

Of course, but if she's busted...We can't refund her,

Evelyn. I signed there and initialed here [Points to

forehead and belly button] That's as binding as our

marriage. Maybe she's hungry? Do children get hungry?

EVELYN

What, like a person? She has the television, she needs more

than that?

SALLÍ

[She speaks at a pace that is just right] DINOSAURS!

ACT [1] SCENE [6]

The thumping of audience members leaving and slamming the door on the way out can be heard.

DOLLY

Dinosaurs! Raining from the sky.

ADAM

Oh, its just a drizzle. Sprinkling. [A thump and a shriek

shakes the stage] A mist if you will. Minor puddles.

LUSUS

We'll be puddles if we stay here! You did this, Adam! I

know it was you. Dinosaurs fall in your name.

EVELYN

[Laughing, opens an umbrella] Everyone gather under my

umbrella. Oh no! I opened the umbrella under the roof. Now

we'll have the worst of luck.

Everyone gathers under umbrella. Another thump and the lights fade out and then back on. The light shines only on them under the umbrella all else is dark.

DOLLY

Evelyn no! Take your hand out of there. Evelyn, You can't

touch me there anymore.

EVELYN

That's not my hand. I am holding the umbrella.

ADAM

And what a great job of holding it you are doing. It's

really a gift of yours

EVELYN

[Flattered] Thank you, Adam darling. It comes naturally. It

must be a maternal instinct. [A thump and a shriek from a

dinosaur falling from the sky] Sallí how about that drink